Years in the making...

So it's been a while...

2009-05-20T13:15:00.003-05:00

Yes, yes, I know...it has been a while. I have to be honest... it's been a while for a reason. I have cheated on my blog and started a new blog. A blog that I have kept private...until today.
Why a new blog you ask? Well... I wasn't quite ready to publish it here that....................

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes! Yes! You read that correctly! God has blessed us with a baby! Hard to believe I am typing those words! It is true and slowly starting to really sink in. This has been such a long time coming. There were times, I truly wondered if we would ever get this moment.

We are still a little early- 9 weeks on Friday, but we have heard the glorious strong heartbeat 2x's now, so I am feel more comfortable with telling people. It has been the greatest shocker to tell people... love hearing their reactions!

If you would like to continue to read about this journey... visit my new blog:
After Years In The Making

Happy "Blog"iversary To Me!!

2009-04-17T11:31:00.004-05:00

Today is the 1 year anniversary of my first blog post! Hard to believe an entire has gone by since I wrote that first post. Amazing-- all the ups, downs, and ups you can have in 1 year!

I wanted to share something I read yesterday because I thought it was just beautiful!

"I wish you enough!"©By Bob Perk

I never really thought that I'd spend as much time in airports as I do. I don't know why. I always wanted to be famous and that would mean lots of travel. But I'm not famous, yet I do see more than my share of airports.

I love them and I hate them. I love them because of the people I get to watch. But they are also the same reason why I hate airports. It all comes down to "hello" and "goodbye."I must have mentioned this a few times while writing my stories for you.

Recently I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together. They had announced her departure and standing near the security gate, they hugged and he said, "I love you. I wish you enough." She in turn said, "Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Daddy."

They kissed and she left. He walked over toward the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say goodbye to someone knowing it would be forever?"

"Yes, I have," I replied. Saying that brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my Dad had done for me. Recognizing that his days were limited, I took the time to tell him face to face how much he meant to me.

So I knew what this man experiencing.

"Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever goodbye?" I asked.

"I am old and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, the next trip back would be for my funeral," he said.

"When you were saying goodbye I heard you say, "I wish you enough." May I ask what that means?"

He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone." He paused for a moment and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, he smiled even more."When we said 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them," he continued and then turning toward me he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.

"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough "Hello's" to get you through the final "Goodbye."

He then began to sob and walked away.

Happy Easter!

2009-04-13T06:57:00.003-05:00

I know I am a day late. I felt I was a little bitter yesterday and decided probably better I not post. Holiday's are sometimes rough. Each holiday I think- "oh maybe next we will have a baby!"... well after saying that multiple times for the past 5 years... well, you know. So anyways, yesterday was not the easiest of days. I have become numb in a sense that I don't cry about it anymore and I can somewhat keep my attitude good, but deep down, Gary and I both know something is missing.

Yesterday turned out to be a very quiet Easter Sunday. Gary and I ended up just staying home together. We had planned to go to G's family, but due to some illness (Granny) and bad weather (supposed tornado warnings-according to my BIL) we decided to just stay home. I am really glad we did. It was nice to go to our first holiday mass at our church. Gary made it really special by dressing up in his choker whites= YUMMY!! :) See below:

Not sure if you can really see-- but Gary is not only sporting his whites, but a nice big black eye too! A result of playing basketball with kids half his age! He's no spring chicken!

Then we decided to go for Easter brunch. It was nice to enjoy a nice meal. We came home and I got to nap for a few hour-- that was so nice! The weather was not nice here yesterday- rainy and stormy-- so it was so nice to lay in bed and watch some movies!

Sometimes I worry that I am too much of a homebody, but honestly, I am just so comfortable in my house. Even though this past Easter is not how I am used to celebrating holidays... this year... it was okay!

Hope you all had a great day! xoxo

Last ditch effort...

2009-03-31T12:55:00.004-05:00

for our 2009 baby. I believe I will be ovulating this week. If I ovulate on time (cycle day 14) then my due date would be December 25th. How wonderful of a Christmas blessing would it be to get pregnant this month? Beyond words. Do I have great hope that it can happen?? Honestly... no, but I do believe in the power of prayer...so help us out! Please send us a prayer or two this week. Thank you!!!

I also want to say thank you to all who still check in on us regularly. I know my posts have gotten few and far between, but it is nice to know that there are some out there still following along. I hope one day to have a wonderful announcement for you all! :)

Oh... and check out our new baby on the right. Well, she really isn't new, but I just put her picture up over the weekend. In January we added to our furry family. Her name is Girly...and that she is! She prances around a lot and thinks she is just queen bee!

The Moments Hit Hard Sometimes

2009-03-24T22:09:00.003-05:00

There are days-- I think I am invincible...nothing can beat me. Then there are days like today...when, man, things just hit me and my emotions take over. I am sure it was the arrival of my period...that realization that again...another month...still no blessing (at least not that are apparent to me today). It is scary...and some days...so hard to deal with.

Moving here to LA was scary for me. We essentially moved here not knowing anyone-- except G's family-- and they are over an hour away. I was blessed ( in a very big way) with great neighbors. They have become my family-- literally everything to me here-- besides G and my furbabies! During my breakdown today I started IM'ing with my neighbor. I knew she would understand this breakdown. While she has never been pained with IF-- her faith is so strong- I knew she would know just what to say to bring me through. Sure enough... she knew exactly what to say... She sent me this...

As hard as i can imagine it would be, God does have a plan in store for all of us. But i also know that he wants to bless us immensely, to provide us our hopes, dreams and goals. Ironically enough, this came through from an email i get each day:

God’s plan for your life didn't go away just because you had some disappointments, setbacks, or because somebody treated you unfairly. God didn't write you off just because you made some poor decisions. No, He knew every mistake you’d ever make; He knew every person who would wrong you, and He still called you. He still designed a perfect plan for your life. No matter what’s happened in your past, God’s plan for your good remains. He still has a bright future in store for you. If you will get your hopes back and get your vision in line with God’s Word, then the rest of your life will be the best of your life! Keep standing, keep believing, and get a vision for your future because the Lord has an amazing future in store for you!

In that moment...those typed words...whew! They really meant alot to me and gave me the clarity I needed in that exact moment.

I have been blessed in ways I dont even recognize right now. Amazing!

Not quite trained...

2009-03-16T07:17:00.003-05:00

So I thought I had my husband fully trained as to what was and was not okay to say to me. Yesterday...I learned not.

After church yesterday morning, we decided to go out for breakfast. Here is how part of our conversation went:

G: So I will have a new chief experience coming up. (G is a Chief in the N.avy and runs a recruiting station)

M: Oh, really? What?

G: A pregnant recruiter.

M: What? Who?

G: Who do you think? I only have one female recruiter.

M: Umm... she's pregnant???? (note: she's not married either)

G: Yeah, didnt want it. Total surprise.

M: :::hold back the tears:::

Can someone explain it to me? Anyone?? I get frustrated when people say total surprise. Like did they miss the lesson in school??? Sex + no protection= possible pregnancy. How can there be a surprise?? Seems like simple math to me. I wish that simple math worked for me and so many women I know-- WHO ACTUALLY WANT IT! Needless to say... the rest of breakfast was pretty quiet. :(

Yikes! March is here already!

2009-03-08T14:48:00.003-05:00

Holy crap! Where did February go? I just looked to see the date of my last post--February 16th...almost 3 weeks ago. Man...I've got to get with the program! ha!!

Well, February surely was a blur! It was my first real month in my new position for work. If February is any indication of my level of business in this position-- 2009 will be over before I know it! So far things are going well.

I definitely like that I am busy, but I almost feel like it takes me away from the reality of my life a little. Like the busier I am...the less I think about babies. Which should be nearly impossible considering all the babies around me. I had the honor of visiting with my "ivf driving buddy" a couple weeks ago. Her twin girls were almost 2 weeks old and absolutely perfect! Teeny tiny perfect babies. Completely beautiful. I left her house sad, but peaceful. It was a very strange range of emotion. I was sad in the sense that I couldn't help but wish I had a newborn, but a peace knowing that her struggle had been far longer than mine and she did get her happy ending. Made me feel like I know my happy ending will come some day. Some days I question that, but in the moments after our visit... I felt like I knew one day I would know that happiness.

My sister made a visit the last week in February and it was so wonderful to have her here. I always love her visits. They usually don't consist of anything too exciting, but just having her here always makes me happy! I will continue to try to get her to move here, but I don't think I will ever be successful. :(

Last week work took me to Houston. The weather was beautiful and it gave me some serious thinking time. I can think at home, but my time spent on a plane really seems to give me that concentrated thinking time. With April drawing closer...the anniversary of this blog comes closer. I started this blog with the hope that it was going to transition from a infertility blog into a baby blog. Hard to imagine that almost a year has pasted and it is still an infertility blog. So sad.

Someday.

I am getting bad at this blogging thing...

2009-02-16T09:04:00.002-06:00

I wish I had something to blog about! Well...actually...I could blog... but I wish I had something baby related to blog about-- I guess that is more accurate! I've got nothing. Actually...I will take that back too-- I have nothing personally baby related to blog about, but I can blog about my friends babies! They are everywhere...and I am so excited for them!

Way back when... when we did our IVF...you all probably remember me saying that I had made a friend that I could ride to the clinic with. I am not sure if I ever updated that she actually got pregnant from that IVF and just last week-- she welcomed her twin girls into the world! Amazing! I have another good friend who got pregnant the same week and she is due in just 3-4 short weeks! So crazy to think that had our IVF worked...I would be due right around now. I know it is probably not healthy to think like that...but it is my reality.

I think I have gotten to a point, while I am so sad for us, I am so happy for those around us. I think there was a period of time when the idea of being happy for others was too hard. The question "why not us?" was too real. I think it is kind of like moving through stages of grief. You eventually get to a point where you start to accept the situation you are in and know that you need to make the best of it. I still pray daily that Gary and I will be blessed, but I now have a better understanding that it might not happen.

I am also going to ask for some prayers in this post too. On one of the message boards I go to we did pair ups last year-- calling ourselves-- "trouble trying to conceive sisters". Well last July my "sister" got pregnant. Last week she had a placental abrupt ion and delivered her baby boy at 33 weeks. Both mom and baby are doing well... but Baby "Trip" is tiny-- 2lbs. 15oz. If you have a prayer to spare-- please say one for Kelly and Trip.

So...it's been a while

2009-01-28T07:12:00.002-06:00

I feel like I have several posts with this title! I seem to go through ebs and flows of having things to write about.

Thing here have been busy. I officially started my new job role last Monday. This prompted a trip to Houston for training. I am really excited about the new position-- nervous, but excited! I feel like I am in a situation where I am terrified that I am getting in over my head. I was asked to take on this position-- I didn't really interview for it. So while I feel good that my company has confidence in me that I can handle the new job...I in a way feel like I have faked them out...like I am a good actress or something. Such a scary place to be! I am terrified of failing or not being able to handle it. Oh...and did I mention that this was a created position...I am the only one in it. So I feel like I am a trial and error case too. Anyway... so things have been busy. I have not unloaded my old responsibilities either...so my workload is pretty big right now! But I will make it through!

Gary is busy with work as well! Things in the recruiting world seem to be steady these days. I think this economy is really helping! In fact... Gary has been faced with issues they have never seen-- people are not getting out of the military...so recruiting is running out of jobs for the kids to pick from. It's so strange! At this point... it is like someone needs to get out in order for another to go in. So that has been a challenge!

On the baby front...things have been quiet. We are just coming around again to start thinking about what we might want to do next. I feel like I really needed all those months off of thinking about it. It has been a much needed break. Unfortunately we were not so lucky to get a break positive, but that's okay. At this point, we really don't know what direction we want to go. We have completely put it in God's hands and are going to let him lead the way.

I am hoping I can get back into the blogging on a more regular basis. Although it probably wont be baby related...I do really enjoy writing!

Good Message

2009-01-09T07:06:00.003-06:00

I have gotten 2 good messages this week that I wanted to share. No real update on us... just things to think about and remember.

Quote:
'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.
'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.' Something good will happen to you today; something that you have been waiting to hear.

This video-- what a message!

Happy 2009!

2009-01-01T10:06:00.003-06:00

It's a new year! Time to start fresh! I woke up this morning to crisp air and LOTS of sunshine! What better way to start new year? I cant think of one! Gary and I had a quiet night at home last night. We rang in the new year with some wine (Captain and coke for Gary), a couple of movies, a to die for dinner, a little snooze from 11:15-11:45 (hehe...I am old!) and a champagne toast and kiss at midnight! It was really really nice! Now that I am older I realize how wonderful it is to wake up on New Years Day without a hangover. Seems for years that was the goal...how smashed can you get and how awful can you feel on day 1 of the next year. Those days are long gone and I love it!

As for the annual new years resolution... I have given this some thought. Seems every year...I make a resolution and within a few days I break it. Not a good way to start a new year. So this year... I have decided to make one resolution...one resolution that will play out how ever it needs to for me--but doesn't have a HUGE guilt tag associated with it if I end up not being perfect. My resolution---- To stop allowing our fertility challenges and my traveling for work to be an excuse to not take care of myself. Seems for the past year I have been using our fertility challenges and my inconsistent schedule as an excuse to not exercise, be unhealthy and eat less than optimal. I am done with that. 2009 is my year to focus on myself and my health. I will have my ups and I will have my downs...but that is okay.

I am worried a little about 2009-- I will be honest. I have this immense fear that an entire year will go by again and we still will be without child. I pray (daily) that this isn't the case. I pray that God blesses Gary and I with a baby in 2009. I pray that our timeline and God's timeline falls in line. For all those that pray for us...thank you! I wish everyone a happy, healthy 2009! Let this be a WONDERFUL year!

Merry Christmas

2008-12-29T08:29:00.006-06:00

I know I am a few days late, but with the traveling and all...not easy to update the blog.

Ahh...the joys of coming home after being away. Gary and I had a WONDERFUL trip to CT. For me... just the idea of 5 days of spending time with my family, relaxing and visiting-- makes me so happy! I was really looking forward to Christmas Eve-- that is our big family get together! It definately did not disappoint! Yummy food, yummy drinks and LOTS of laughs!

Me and my Memere

Gary and I in front of the tree

Hanging out with the cousins

Family photo opportunity

Christmas day for us-- nice and quiet! Over the years our Christmas day has evolved into a relax at home day. We used to do the big family thing on Christmas day too, but since my cousin's and I have grown older and gotten married and had kids... our parents have opted for hanging home together as a family.

Our standard Christmas morning photo

This Christmas my mother and I decided to go see a movie... the boys... they stayed home. We went and saw Mar.ley and M.e. Wow. That is all I will say. Good movie. VERY sad. Cried a ton. If you have a dog and you cant imagine your life without him (like me)... be very careful. I was a sobbing mess. My mother was a sobbing mess and she is not even a fan of dogs. Nuff said!

Then we headed home and hit the bottle. Hehehe...that sounds bad but seriously...check it out! This bottle of wine was given to Gary and I in 2002 when we got engaged. The family I used to nanny for gave it to us. Needless to say...this isnt exactly a bottle of wine that you just open on a Friday night. We *thought* it was a bottle we could milk on for a few days... umm...yeah... try 1. Ha! We 4 wine drinkers in the house... the bottle went down nicely! :)

Other than that... our visit was quiet! On Friday, Gary and I hit the casino for some afternoon gambling-- we lost. :( I got to do some shopping with my mom on Saturday... love it! Gary and I spent Saturday night hanging out with my cousin, her hubby and my sister watching the UFC fight. It was a great time!

Despite a delay leaving Newar.k yesterday... we were happy to get home last night!

Oh it has been a while!

2008-12-15T07:15:00.004-06:00

So, it has been a while since I last post-- almost 3 weeks to be exact! The whirlwind of the holidays has really sucked me in and I have completely lost all sense of time! Hard to believe today we are half way through December already! That means in 16 days- 2008 will be over! Wow! Seriously-- where has this year gone?

News on the baby front... not much to report. Gary and I are now praying that 2009 will be our year. It really is scary going into another year unsure if it is "the" year. I am terrified to think

about the idea that 1 year from now...I could be sitting at my computer...reflecting back on my year and saying the words..."Gary and I are hoping 2010 is our year." I pray to God that is not the case. While I know 2009 will be busy and we will have a lot going on our desire to have a baby is stronger than ever! Being parents is our #1 priority and goal. I have recently been promoted at work and I am excited about it, and I know all too well that you need to live life for today, I cant help but wonder how my promotion will affect our efforts to have a baby. I will likely have to do more traveling and hopefully I can manage that schedule with any Dr. appts. we might have. I guess if there is one thing I have learned this year-- it is amazing what can happen in a year!

I am anxiously awaiting the holidays! I am so excited for Christmas this year-- it is almost ridiculous! Gary and I are traveling to CT for the holidays! We haven't been with my family for Christmas since 2004! That seems SO long ago! It was! 2005 and 2006 Gary and I spent Christmas alone in Washingt.on trying to make our own holiday traditions. I think in 2005 that equated to having a couple of the single sail.ors on Gary's boat over and for dinner- having turkey and ribs! ha! 2006 was really quiet...we made dinner and watched the movie The Fam.ily Sto.ne (LOVE that movie-cry ever time!). Last year, of course we spent Christmas with Gary's family. It was the first time I ever spent Christmas with them and I think for Gary-- it had been 8 or so years! It was nice. Watching our nieces open their presents was the highlight. This year though... YAY!! we will be with my family! Christmas eve is our big get together and I love every minute. I think Christmas day will be quiet! Just the way I like it!!

Oh... I was just about to sign off, but I have the TV on and on the To.day Show they are giving an update on the Cayl.ee An.thony case-- makes me sick. How could someone do something so horrific? There is NO doubt in my mind her mother had something to do with it. So I pose the question-- Why can a monster have a baby and we cant? Just awful. My thoughts and prayers are with those that actually loved and tried to protect that little girl.

That is all for now... If I don't post again before next week--
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!

When it rains- it pours...

2008-11-25T18:59:00.002-06:00

Found out today (yes-- all today) that 3 (count them 1, 2, 3!) friends are expecting. Very excited for them...very sad for us.

Pouring myself a BIG ol' glass of wine! Pity party for 1 please!

Giving Thanks...

2008-11-25T08:01:00.002-06:00

I know I haven't blogged in a while...I have been crazy busy with work and quite honestly haven't had much to write about. Our vacation seems like a lifetime ago! I had 2 back to back weeks of traveling for work and thankfully this is a short holiday week!

Hard to believe it is Thanksgiving already! This year has gone by faster than I can even think about. I had lunch yesterday with my IVF "carpool buddy" (who I now call my friend) and we were talking about how she is 6 months along already! 6 months! Honestly, it seems like last month I was making the 1.5 hour trek to the Dr.

Although my tone in much of this blog has not been one of thanksgiving...I am extremely thankful for the year I have had! This has been my year of learning and growing. I have learned so much about myself and about the strength of my relationship with my husband, family and friends. I am beyond thankful that I have the support system that I have! I have learned about myself and what I can and can not handle-- these lessons have been invaluable!

We are staying close to home this year for the holiday-- hosting Gary's entire family! I am excited and nervous-- 11 people will be sitting down at the same time to eat! YIKES! Thankfully I will not be stressing over a turkey-- Granny is bringing that! Phew! To me-- making the side dishes is easy and actually something I quite enjoy-- so I am looking forward to it! I will make one dessert today (pumpkin cheesecake) and the other tomorrow (pecan pie)-- so it will be good to have those out of the way!

I wish you all a happy and safe Thanksgiving!

Seriously????

2008-11-13T11:58:00.000-06:00

The pregnant man is pregnant again...

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=6244878&page=1

Seriously? :(

Ahh...Mexico!!

2008-11-11T08:20:00.006-06:00

Wow! What a wonderful week!! Having waited for this trip for months, I had very high expectations. I wanted to relax, relax and do more relaxing. Safe to say... my expectations were met.

The week leading up to our vacation was anything but relaxing. The Navy through us a curve ball and changed the date of Gary's audit at the last minute. This caused me to have to spend an hour on the phone with the airline trying to figure out how to change Gary's ticket. It was a mess. Thankfully Gary was able to come...2 days late...but he made it! We had a wonderful time. We got to spend some quality time with good friends, relax our butts off, enjoy the sun and warm weather and see some of the sites of Mexico. It was a perfect vacation!

Here are some picutres~~~

Horrible Kitty Mommy!

2008-11-02T15:26:00.002-06:00

In my post below-- I failed to mention that in the 5 years since we married we also adopted our cat Tupper. What a horrible kitty mommy I am. For that...Tupper gets his own post!

Yes, he is a little over weight, but the camera adds 10lbs. ;)

Long Awaited Vacation

2008-11-02T11:25:00.003-06:00

Well, the vacation we have been waiting for since February is finally here! I leave for Mex.ico tomorrow and Gary will meet me there on Wednesday. We didn't plan to travel separately but the N.avy had a different plan. Gary has an recruiting station audit first thing on Wednesday morning...then he will fly to Mexic.o in the afternoon. He should be at our resort by 11pm on Wednesday night--hopefully. Preparation for this audit has been extremely stressful for Gary and having it interrupt his long awaited vacation didn't help! I know he will be ready to relax by the time he gets there.
This vacation is to celebrate our 5 year anniversary! Hard for me to believe that in just 5 days shy of 5 years-- we got married! Time has flown by. In the past 5 years we've:

~Moved 4 times-- 2 being cross country.
~We adopted our furbaby Tanner.
~We bought our first home.
~We each bought new vehicles- twice.
~Had 2 failed intrauterine insemination's.
~Had 1 failed in vitro.

All in all we have had a great 5 years--more positives than negatives!! Of course adding a baby to the pictures is our ultimate goal, but looking back-- there is nothing I can complain about of our first 5 years of marriage! I am a very lucky woman!!

National Infertility Awareness Week

2008-10-20T09:50:00.004-05:00

Happy Monday! Yesterday marked the start of the 19th Annual National Infertility Awareness Week. Since infertility affects 7.3 million Americans (1 in 6 couples--and we happen to be part of that statistic) I thought I would write a post to mark this week.

We have been so fortunate in our journey and have had the most supportive friends and family. How they knew how to be supportive-- I have no idea how, they just knew! I know many out there are not so lucky!! Many out there have to deal with the myriad of questions-- invasive and sometimes ignorant. Resolve.org is an organization dedicated to infertility. For me-- it has been a great resource!

I came across this site last night and it touched me deeply. Whoever created it-- surely felt the pain and heartache that infertility can bring. I wanted to share with you all b/c I thought it was beautiful.

Empty Arms Video

Thank you to all our friends and family that have supported us-we couldn't/ can't make it through this journey without you!

St. Gerard-Patron St. of Mothers

2008-10-16T07:30:00.004-05:00

Today is the Feast Day of St. Gerard-- Patron Saint of Mothers.

If you feel so inclined, please say a prayer today for all the mothers and mothers to be of the world.

For Motherhood:
O good St. Gerard, powerful intercessor before the throne of God, wonder-worker of our day, I call upon you and seek your help. While on earth, you always fulfilled God's designs; help me, too, always do God's holy will. Beseech the master of life, from whom all parenthood proceeds, to bless me with offspring, that I may raise up children to God in this life and heirs to the kingdom of God's glory in the life to come. Amen.

For Mother With Child:
O almighty and everlasting God, through the Holy Spirit, you prepared the body and soul of the glorious virgin Mary to be a worthy dwelling place of your divine Son. Through the same Holy Spirit, you sanctified St. John the Baptist, while still in his mother's womb. Hear the prayers of your humble servant who implores you, through the intercession of St. Gerard, to protect me amid the dangers of childbearing and to watch over the child with which you blessed me. May this child be cleansed by the saving water of baptism and, after a Christian life on earth, may we, both mother and child, attain everlasting bliss in heaven. Amen.

Power of Prayer

2008-10-10T07:45:00.003-05:00

Okay, I know I said yesterday I wasn't going to have much to post about...but this I have to post about!

On one of the infertility message boards that I visit daily, one of the girls decided to start a 9 day novena to St. Theresa. I have done it before, so I decided to join in again. We started last week and we were checking in daily for 9 days. Each day we would post our intention, say the prayer that was posted and answer a question of the day. With this St. Theresa novena we asked for confirmation of our prayers being heard by asking to be shown or showered with roses.

Yesterday was our last day-- so our question of the day was to state how we saw our rose. The other girls-had very obvious sitings-- me on the other hand-- all I could remember seeing was a green rose on the alter at church this past week. I thought, well, that must have been it-- that must have been my sign. So I posted my intention and answered the question of the day and went back to work.

Around noon yesterday, while I was on the phone with my sister, I noticed DHL pull up in front of my house and they rang the door bell, but since I was on the phone I didn't get up right away. So once I hung up with my sister, I went to get the package. It was a box from FTD. I opened the card-- from my sister-- the flowers were for my birthday which was last week. She was crazy busy with a wedding that she was in over the weekend and hadn't had a chance to send anything. I open the box... ROSES and calla lilies. ROSES!!! I just stood there in amazement. St. Theresa heard my prayers and wanted to let me know!

The power of prayer is amazing!

Just nothing to write about...

2008-10-09T07:24:00.002-05:00

HI
So I haven't written anything in over a week...b/c...I just don't have anything to write about! Last week was rough. I had some really bad days. Basically just feeling sorry for myself and Gary. My birthday came and went. Nothing spectacular-- which at 31-- is just fine! :) Gary did get me a Wii and a Wii Fit though and I have been LOVING it! I have used it everyday. Not really sure if I will lose weight with it, but it is fun to use and I figure 30-60 minutes on it vs. sitting on my butt-- gotta be worth something, right?

So no real updates. We are still laying low on the baby situation. The last couple months of this year will be extremely busy with work travel, vacation travel (YAY! Mexico!!) and holiday travel (YAY!! CT!!), so really no time to be trying to do anything IVF related. We are focusing hard, paying down some bills and maybe in 2009 we can regroup and decide what to do baby related. Although my desire is as strong as it was in...well...forever... the mental break of not having it be in EVERY thought has been nice. I have had a chance to refocus on things I was pushing to the side earlier this year.

My posts may become few and far between as I have some busy weeks ahead. I apologize in advance, but still check in (if you have interest) as I may come up with things to post about!! :)

Empty and Angry

2008-09-29T07:26:00.003-05:00

This is going to be an emotional post-- so Mom-- if you are at work--stop reading.

A year has gone by. 1 year. I posted a message on my support message board a year ago about how upset I was that I was turning 30 and still not pregnant. Here we are. "Celebrating" a birthday this week... still not pregnant. I feel like it is hitting me hard.

I am starting to get angry with myself, because my anger about all of this and my negative feeling about all of this are becoming uncontrollable. Uncontrollable in a sense of-- I am overly emotional at every pregnancy story line on EVERY show I watch, I have a pissy attitude towards the "It's a Boy!" balloons attached to our new neighbors mailbox and I cant help but having a sinking feeling in my stomach and in my heart when I see newborn babies. I worry daily about having a break down when seeing my neighbor-- who successfully got pregnant the same month we did our IVF. S & J know that I am OVER the moon excited for them-- I am just terrified that at some point my emotions are not going to be able to handle it. I know S knows this and she has been very sensitive to me. It makes me sad though, I feel like I am not being the friend to her-- that I should be...that I want to be. Am I going to have to go through the rest of my life feeling like this?

I no longer know to deal with all this crap gracefully. I just don't know how to do it. I feel like everyday I am dealing with trying to come to terms with the idea that I may never have it (the opportunity to be a mom, "the moments" of a BFP, hearing my baby cry for the first time, that sense of unconditional love, etc). I have to sit back and watch everyone else earn it no problem, but Gary and I may never have it. It breaks my heart. Why not us?

Ahh...What a great weekend!

2008-09-22T07:28:00.004-05:00

Gary and I just had a great weekend away! Saturday was the Khaki Ball for Gary's command. A Khaki Ball is more of a party than a ball and it is to celebrate the recent promotion of sailors from First Class Petty Officer to Chief Petty Officer. It is the biggest promotion one would have in their career and a very meaningful and important experience. Gary was promoted to Chief in 2006, but due to his submarine schedule, he didnt get to experience everything he should have. There is a month long "initiation" period, the actual pinning event, change of the uniform from "the blues" to "khaki" and then the ball. I am so happy we got to go to the ball this year. We had a good time and I had the chance to meet a lot of Gary's co-workers. We had a good time!

It is funny though... many of the couples we met this weekend have children. And of course, as you would imagine, their children come up in conversation. The conversation always leads to the question-- "Do you have kids?" Standard response from us... "No, not yet." (with a partial smile). More times than not-- the response we get is-- "Oh, wait... wait as long as you can...blah, blah, blah." I usually tune out after they said "Wait..." It just strikes me as funny- that we get that response so often. I causes me to reflect on my own interactions with people. Do I ever say things that in the eyes of someone else may bother them? Do I ever have ignorant responses to conversation? Unless the person is comfortable saying something, it is impossible to know, but just gives me a reason to pause before I speak.

All in all we had a great weekend! Today, I am off to New Orleans for a conference. Thankfully this is my last trip for a month. The next trip we take...to MEXICO!!! YAY!!

Bad Blogger

2008-09-16T10:00:00.012-05:00

I know...I know...I have been a bad blogger. I really havent had much of an update to give and this week I am in CT for work and visiting family.

Anytime I come to CT my days seem to fly by. I have a 1- 1.5 hour commute into the office and usually my evenings are busy with visiting. This time has been no different.

Had a great weekend hanging out with my family! On Saturday, I got to make a trip to the CT shore. There is something about the CT shore that I just love! Maybe it is because I am no where near a beach in LA or b/c I just have this thing for water. It is extremely calming to me and anytime I am around it-- I am happy. The trip made for a few good pictures--

Me and my cousin Abby~being silly

Me and my Mom on the Mystic Drawbridge

Mmmm...Mystic Pizza

Me and my Aunt Lisa

Watch Hill

Tagged- Randomness

2008-09-11T13:17:00.002-05:00

I was tagged by T-bird

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

Six Random Things about Me:
1. I used to be flexible enough to put both feet behind my head
2. I cant think about popsicle sticks/tongue depressors without breaking out in goose bumps
3. I usually talk to my mother at least once a day
4. I have a 6 inch scar on my leg from having a birthmark removed when I was 5
5. I never take my wedding rings off- unless I am working with raw chicken or in my flower beds
6. I just ate lunch but my stomach is growling already :(

Six people is too many to tag... so I tag anyone that reads this that has a blog! ;)

Let the fall craziness begin!

2008-09-05T08:50:00.002-05:00

This weekend marks my last "quiet" weekend of the fall (yes, fall just begun!!)! Next week the craziness of life and work kick in again and I start my busy travel season. I have quite a few trips planned between now and Thanksgiving-- racking up the frequent flier miles!!

The fall will be really busy for both Gary and myself-- which right now-- I consider to be a good thing. At this point-- I fear my emotions when the holiday's roll around. Holiday's including my 31st birthday in less than a month. Last year-- when I turned 30-- I was CERTAIN that by 31-- I would be pregnant. Well... pretty sure that is not the case. This really saddens me. The thought of going through another holiday season with motherhood not in sight really sucks.

I still don't really know how to deal with this disappointment. I still feel disappointed everyday. I am not crying about it as much anymore-- which is good-- but I still truly feel disappointed. Back in the spring-- I was looking ahead to things we have going on this fall and as we were planning-- I was envisioning myself as pregnant. Now these events are rolling around, and I am not- but my mind still has them planned like I should be. Does that even make sense? Example-- I have a surprise planned for Gary in November, and when I planned it-- I planned it specifically for November expecting that I would be pregnant and that it wouldn't be so hot out and that I could enjoy it too. LOL-- now I guess it doesn't really matter-- the heat is not an issue because I am not pregnant.

I don't know... I am on this crazy roller coaster and I am tired of the peaks and valleys.

Not to get political...

2008-09-01T19:07:00.004-05:00

BUT, can I say that it really bothers me that Sarah Palin (McCain's VP running mate) has a 17 year old daughter that is 5 months pregnant.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/09/01/palin.daughter/index.html

To refer to my older post-- Life's Not Fair!

Long weekends are for yard work...

2008-08-31T13:20:00.005-05:00

Well... at least one day should be spent doing yard work. Thankfully for me...that day was yesterday!

We spent Saturday riping bushes up in front of the house. The house was landscaped when we bought it but over the past year-- the bushes have just started to look unkept-- no matter how much we prune and groom. So we decided that a weekend project would be to rip out the bushes and replace with a cleaner landscape.

When we bought the house- here is what the landscaping looked like:

You can see--there were LOTS of bushes-- small boxwood bushes. Which by themselves are not bad-- but when you literally have 30 of them. Blech! I was tired of them.

Last fall-- we pulled up all the bushes on the left side of the walkway. We replaced those with new mulch and some low elephant grass. Yesterday- we pulled up the boxwoods and other bushes on the right of the walkway against the garage.

Here is how it looks today:

Now that I post these picture-- I realize we have more work to do! Guess it will be off to Lowe's later!! Fun times being a homeowner!!

My thoughts exactly...

2008-08-27T22:42:00.002-05:00

I hate to be a downer... and I hope you all have your tissues ready. This song...sums up all my feelings. I apologize now for only being able to post a link-- I haven't yet figured out how to post a video (anyone want to tell me how??? :) ) Mom...don't be mad... it might be a tear jerker. Below are the words to the song-- could Kelly Coffey have nailed it on the head any better?

I Would Die For That

"I Would Die For That"

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

Operation "Surprise Parents"- Complete!

2008-08-25T12:18:00.011-05:00

In just 1 week my parents will celebrate their 35th wedding anniversary! Not only is this accomplishment a remarkable one, but it is also some what of an inspiration. I truly feel that my parents have "the marriage" that everyone wants. They are lovey, they tiff, they tease, they are a unit, they are independent, they are an example! They are not perfect-- but who is? Whose relationship is? No ones... but in terms of a perfect example of how to survive year after year with another-- they do a great job!

Anyway... so in 1 week they will celebrate 35 years together. I wanted to mark this occasion! Gary and I decided that we would fly to CT and surprise them! I also wanted to have a BBQ to celebrate. My sister and I recruited the help of my whole family (6 aunts, 7 uncles and a bunch of cousins) to help execute this "surprise." Well... it was a success!! Gary and I flew up to CT on Thursday and our plan was for my sister to lure them to a restaurant where we would surprise them. Well...my mom... wasn't playing along. She insisted that she didn't want to go out to dinner. Boo... there goes that idea. So then my sister thought it would be good just to show up at their house. Okay...that could work. We got there-- my dad wasn't home yet--boo #2. So we shocked my mom. Hehehe... she had no idea! The look on her face-- priceless. She was shocked! Then my dad came home-- he was shocked too! So much so-- that my sister said she was worried--he turned really pale. Poor guy--we werent looking to give him a heart attack!!

We had the big BBQ for them on Saturday- we had a great time!! The weather was perfect and it was so nice to spend a day with my family and just relax. Well...I say relax...I wasn't really relaxed-- feeding and organizing a party for 40 is no easy feat! I had lots of help though!!

Here are some pictures from the day...

The Family

The "girls"--my sister and 4 cousins

Party in full swing

Nothing like a little competative bean bag toss

Cheers!

Yay!! Party success!!

Ugh...Life's not fair

2008-08-20T16:14:00.003-05:00

I hate that statement- "Life's Not Fair" but seriously-- it's not. Two things today have struck me as really being "not fair".

As I have said before- I belong to a message board that specifically focuses on Trouble Trying to Conceive. This week has seemed to be really really bad. A lot of women testing negative and it is heartbreaking. I have somewhat distanced myself from reading the board for a couple of reasons. The posts about positives-- while exciting-- were making me sadder and sadder for me and Gary. The posts about negatives-- constant reminders of that raw emotion I felt after the failed IVF. It sucks! While I am excited and overjoyed for those that have "graduated" to the Success after Infertility board---I almost feel left behind. I long for my graduation and all emotions that come with that!

Just the simple point that some of us who want to be mommies so badly have to wait years for those moments-- not fair! The idea that we have to experience bad, sad, angry and bitter feelings about anything to do with getting pregnant (an occasion that should only be happy and exciting)--not fair!

My other "not fair" moment- I went to the vet today to pick up Tanner's heart worm medicine. As I am in the waiting room-- a dad comes in with his 2 kids who had clearly been crying. I thought maybe their pet was in the hospital and passed away. Then I noticed that the dad was carrying the pet. I think it was a puppy- i heard him say "7 weeks old". The kids were sobbing. Heartbroken. I literally teared up. Family pets dying--not fair!

Some days just seem so negative. Hard to find a ton of things to be happy and excited about. I know eventually it will change...but some days the "not fair's" just seem to be so in your face!

Alls Quiet Here...

2008-08-13T07:28:00.002-05:00

Not much to report here-- hence the lack of posts.

Things have been relatively quiet! Gary and I had a good weekend catching up. We hadn't really had more than 1 day to ourselves in over 2 weeks, so it was nice to just hang out together and talk.

In our quest to find our "religious" fit here-- aka--a church we want to go to-- we made it back to the same church 2 weeks in a row. Anyone that knows me-- knows I grew up going to church--every Sunday--even through college (well, almost every Sunday). Once Gary and I got married-- because we chose to do it outside the catholic church and *gasp* I married someone who was divorced without an annulment-- I was no longer "allowed" to receive Communion in the catholic church-- so I basically lost my desire to practice my faith there. Yes, I have gone to catholic church several times since... each time... I remain seated during communion-- allowing myself to stick out like a sore thumb. Annoying. So since moving to LA I have visited several churches- different religions-- trying to find one where I feel like I fit in. Now Gary on the other hand-- not a big church go'er. Picture me begging on Christmas and Easter for him to go with me--so I don't have to go by myself. Anyway- a few weeks ago I mentioned I thought I wanted to try the Episcopal church here in town and wondered if he would go with me. He needed a couple weeks processing time, but committed to go with me. I was thrilled. We went-- it was nice-- very similar to catholic mass which makes me comfortable. We got a warm welcome from the pastor's wife and the pastor himself on our way out. I think they were being nice... or they were hoping to slip in the words "Jean's are not appropriate church attire!" Yup-- we wore jeans. I have been to the catholic church here a couple times-- seen people in jeans-- so I assumed jeans would be okay at this church too. Umm...yeah...no! I was wrong! We were the only 2 in jeans-- in the entire church. We sat in the second to last row-- watched every single person walk in- I am not exaggerating! How embarassing!

This past weekend...we decided to go again. We even went to buy Gary new "church" clothes. Ha! Who knows what is happening to us down here-- we may have found our fit!

Other than that... we are plugging along. We havent made any decisions on what our next step will be on the baby front. It has been a nice mental break to not be so focused on it. I still think about it daily, but it is not consuming my every thought-- like it was before. Eventually we will know what the "right" next step will be...but for now... no clue!

My desire to be a mommy

2008-08-08T21:20:00.006-05:00

I will preface this post by saying that it is Friday night-- I have had a glass (or 2 (: ) of wine and Gary is not home-- so my feelings are magnified...

I was just on My.space and I was looking at a picture that my my cousin had tagged of me holding her daughter.

I am gazing at her daughter-- this was taken late last summer/ early fall. I think at that point-- I had put so much hope in the "it will just happen" theory and I was really hopeful that by this baby's 1st birthday I would be far along in my own pregnancy. Now here we are-- not only did it "not just happen" but we used major medical intervention and it still didn't "happen."

I have been fairly passive in my last few posts about how strong my desire for a baby still is. Partly my way of coping and partly my way of trying to fake you all out in thinking that I am okay. I still hurt, Gary still hurts, we still hurt as a couple who together want to have our own baby.

I don't know how or when I will get past all of this. I try to keep occupied-- try to keep my mind busy so I don't focus on how the IVF didn't work--but when all is said and done-- I still so incredibly sad. All I want is that feeling-- that feeling of love, of need, of completeness (is that even a word?).

I know we still have your thoughts and prayers and I thank you everyday for them-- I would not make it through without!

Slowly digging out...

2008-08-05T13:38:00.005-05:00

Vacations are wonderful... but dealing with the load of work you have to face when you get back... is not!

I had a great visit with my sister and cousin- I was so sad to say good bye to them. It was just nice to hang around and visit, eat too much, drink too much, have uncontrollable laughs and of course catch up on some sleep! I always hate saying good bye to visiting family...I just never know when our next visitors will be!

The boys are still getting along great! I am so thrilled that they are co-existing happily!

Gary is away this week for work- New Orleans of all places! Sad that he is gone, but kinda nice to have a completely quiet house to myself! I worked an extremely long day yesterday, did some cleaning, made dinner and was in bed at 9pm! Some would say that is lame...but not me!

So I have a bit of a dilemma... my last "therapy" appt- which was anything but therapeutic- I schedule a next appointment. I felt bad. I couldn't look this lady in the face and tell her I couldn't have her as my therapist b/c she just so happens to be 8 months prego. Well...my next appt. is today/ was today. She called this morning to remind me-- I didn't answer. She called back a couple hours later-- I didn't answer. I was wanting to try to call her and pray that I just got her voicemail. No such luck... I called... she answered. I am such a chicken... I rescheduled for Thursday. Uugghhh... I need to get out of this...I feel bad- like I am going to hurt her feelings or something. Sucks!

Oh and like rubbing salt in a wound-- we got our invoice from the fertility clinic for the ICSI procedure they did during the egg retrieval. Umm...yeah... A LOT of $$$...for nothing. It's gonna suck to write that check. You think they would be sympathetic to the fact that we have already paid a ton of money and have NOTHING to show for it. Couldn't they give a discount or something. Again...SUCKS!

My memory

2008-07-30T07:31:00.009-05:00

So I wanted to do something to mark this time in our lives. I wanted a way to always remember all that Gary and I had gone through-- not that I could have easily forgotten. I decided to get a tattoo. Never really thought that I could go through with it...but yesterday I did!

My tattoo was thoroughly thought out. Two branches of cherry blossoms. One branch has 7 flowers with each flower having 5 petals. This totals 35 petals and that is Gary's age. The other branch has 6 flowers with each flower having 5 petals. This totals 30 petals and that is my age. Then we added butterflies to represent our embryo's.

Cherry blossoms represent spiritual beauty. I truly feel like my spirit has had to go through a transformation in this process so I thought they were a great symbol. The butterflies- small and beautiful- just as my embryo's once were.

Just like the entire IVF process-- it was painful!

Dogs, Cats and Hurricanes

2008-07-29T10:10:00.012-05:00

So I have a couple fun things to post about today!

First- my sister and cousin made it to the deep south without incident...well, sort of! At midnight on Thursday my sister and cousin began their trek to LA. Remember a couple posts back I told you they were moving my cat, Tupper? Well it was an adventure for them. They were flying out of Newa.rk which is 2 hours from where they were starting. So they started with a small road trip. Tupper was not much fond of the carrier...so he rode to NJ in the lap. Ha! He literally worked himself out of the zipped up cat carrier and made his way to the front seats. He fought the carrier the entire trip. But made it to LA safe and sound.

Next was the adventure of introducing Tupper and Tanner. I was stressing about this. I had no idea how either was going to react! Gary didn't really believe in a slow introduction. The photo montage shows how it went:

Needles to say...they are like best buds now! Went FAR better than I could have ever imagined. Don't be fooled-- there was hissing from Tupper and whimpering from Tanner but that soon passed.

Second- the girl's adventure to N.ew Orlean.s. We had a great time!! That is the Hurricane part of my title. Although we never did have the famous Ne.w Orl.ean's drink... we had many in place of it!

We made the 4.5 trip down to N.ew Orlea.ns on Sunday. On our agenda when we got there-- lunch and then a walking "cocktail" tour of the Fr.ench Qua.rter. We had a great lunch at the only microbrew in the Frenc.h Quart.er- Cresen.t Cit.y Brew.HouseThe Cocktail tour of the Quar.ter was really interesting. We got to visit 5 bars and learn the colorful history behind each one and their speciality drinks. Definitely tried somethings I never would have.

Some pictures of our night out...

Do we look like tourists???

In a Pirates bar--trying a "Green Fairy" made with absinthe
Enjoying Bou.rbon St

We had a great time... great drinks and many laughs... all without hangover!! :)

Well that sucked!

2008-07-24T20:50:00.002-05:00

So I thought seeing a therapist to talk through this roller coaster of emotions I was on would be a good idea. I have been warned by others that it is important to seek the help of a therapist who knows how to deal with infertility. Many people think they are being helpful but often times can say things that are hurtful--even when they have the best of intentions.

So I received the name of a therapist from my Dr., but she was over an hour and a half away. So I figured I would give a therapist in my town a try. Called her up, she sounded nice, scheduled the appointment, she didn't ask many questions, I didn't really think much of it.

The appointment was today. Gary came with me. We got there a bit early...sat in the waiting area...heard the clack, clack, clack of her shoes across the hardwood floor...turned around... and was eye level with an 8 month belly. Shit! Yup... the therapist that I thought would solve all my problems... 8 months pregnant! Needless to say... the appointment was not very helpful. She was very nice but I couldn't let out what I really wanted to let out and it was kind of awkward all around.

Guess I will be hauling it to a new therapist...this is what I get for trying to save gas and money.

Tagged for another Meme

2008-07-24T10:49:00.002-05:00

These are fun and good for a 5 minute distraction from work!! :)

Shawna tagged me for this meme...All you have to do is answer the questions with one word, and tag four people. I think that this is the perfect time for distractions

1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Your significant other? lifting
3. Your hair? straight
4. Your mother? awesome
5. Your father? awesome
6. Your favorite thing? hugs
7. Your dream last night? boring
8. Your favorite drink? coffee
9. Your dream/goal? babies
10. The room you’re in? Office
11. Your hobby? cakes
12. Your fear? childless
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Home
14. What you’re not? skinny
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. One of your wish list items? babies
17. Where you grew up? Connecticut
18. The last thing you did? researched
19. What are you wearing? clothes
20. Favorite gadget? mixer
21. Your pets? lovable
22. Your computer? crappy
23. Your mood? anxious
24. Missing someone? yes
25. Your car? dirty
26. Something you’re not wearing? socks
27. Favorite store? Target
28. Like someone? yup
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
31. Last time you cried? yesterday

Fun!!

Slap... and Hugs

2008-07-24T07:39:00.003-05:00

Cant wait for this to show up in my mailbox on Saturday.... wahoo... (again...sense the sarcasm)

Okay... I was going to have this just be a negative post-- I even clicked "publish" but I have decided to come back in and tell you a positive thing too!! I have some of the most amazingly thoughtful and generous friends and family. It seems everyday I have received some act of kindness! These thoughts and gifts have given me smiles everyday! I just need to say thank you!! Thank you for the emails, the phone calls, the flowers, the pajama's, the bubble bath, the hummingbird feeder and the cards!! Each and everyone has made me smile! Thank you!!

Well... nothing we didn't already know...awesome! (sense the sarcasim)

2008-07-21T18:22:00.003-05:00

Finally talked to the Dr. today. Unfortunately he didn't tell us anything we didn't already know. My need to talk to him was basically to confirm my understanding of how he came up with the predicted 35% success rate if we tried again.

His answer:
-Based on his clinical judgement looking at all of the factors that went into the first cycle-i.e. sperm quality, # of embryos we produced, quality of those embryos, my response to the meds, how the embryo's developed, our ages, etc. that is how he determines is prediction.

So really nothing knew. In the week and a half since the dreaded voicemail-- I was able to figure that out on my own. Just annoying. Annoying that there isn't some "Ahh Ha!" reason as to why this didn't work. Oh, but don't worry-- he did suggest we try again. Umm.... yes! of course you do. Win or lose... you still get our money. I hate to sound cynical and bitter...but honestly...I kinda am. (very sad to admit)

Anyway... that's that. We will keep moving forward...slowly...but surely!

Keeping Busy

2008-07-20T12:16:00.004-05:00

I am finding that the busier I keep myself... the better off I am. I have thrown myself back into working out and getting my butt back in shape. My neighbor "R" and I have nightly dates to do our walking/ jogging and I have been using J.illian M.ich.ael's 30.Day.Shred for the past 4 days. That is a crazy hard workout. I figure...if my butt is going to visit Mexico in 4 months... it better look good (or at least as good as I can get it!)

I have really been putting my new hobby to the test-- cake decorating. Yesterday we celebrated our niece's 2nd birthday at my brother in laws. Our niece-- obsessed with Spid.erman. So that is what she wanted for a cake. I was up for the challenge...the results...

I will say-- I was impressed with the results. I wont lie and say it was easy-- took me about 2 1/2 hours to do, but overall I was very pleased!

Soon I will be taking orders!! ha!!

My mind is bored

2008-07-17T07:28:00.006-05:00

My mind is bored. I feel like I have kind of run out of things to really think about (or write about...hence this post)! I have thought about babies for so long and I am really trying to take a break from thinking about them. Although I will admit-- this is extremely difficult! Every time I go to the Internet...it seems some celebrity has just had a baby-- Brangelina (x2!), Jamie-Lynn, Nicole and the list goes on. They are everywhere... I will never be able to avoid it!

Gary and I have been doing a lot of reflecting this week. This week I really caught a glimpse of just how sad Gary is. This of course... breaks my heart. I want to make it better for him. I want him to know it is okay to be sad and grieve just like I am/have. But he is a man and he is "okay".

We have not talked to the Dr. yet. I called on Monday- he is in CA for a conference-- back in the office tomorrow. The nurse told me she would put my file on his desk and ask him to give me a call. I have my list of questions ready! Maybe his answers will give us some closure and guide us in the direction of our next step-- whatever that might be!

In other news... I am off tomorrow and so ready for a long weekend!!! We don't have plans this weekend and I love it!! I need to get my house in order for our house guests coming next Friday. I cant wait! We will also be getting a new addition to our family. No, not a baby. And really he isn't a new addition...just a new addition to our home in LA. Tupper-- mine and Gary's first baby.Our cat has been living with my parents since we moved to WA in November 2005. My parents are evicting him (just kidding!)... so he is making his first plane ride next week! We are praying he and Tanner get along. As long as we can convince Tanner that Tupper is not a squirrel- I think we will be good! Wish us luck!!!

Well that was negative

2008-07-14T07:15:00.003-05:00

Okay... so I am back from a nice long walk and I reflected on how negative my last post sounded. I hate to try to pretend that everything is rosey... cause it is not... but I also hate to sound depressed. Hmm... how to walk that fine line!

Anyway...I thought I would post some positives...
- My Family-- I have the best family ever! Not only do I have a great husband, but I have the best parents and sister ever! AND not only that... my I have the greatest extended family too! A wonderful Me mere and lots of wonderful aunts, uncles and cousins!!
- My Friends--I have old friends, new friends, Internet friends, blog friends...they are just everywhere and I am so grateful for all of them!
- Tanner-- my most awesome dog!
- My upcoming vacation- my sister and cousin are visiting for a week at the end of the month! I cant wait!!
- My 2nd upcoming vacation- Gary and I are headed to Mexico in November with great friends of ours to celebrate our 5 year anniversary!!
- Getting back into an exercise routine! Feels so good to get out and be active...even if it feels like a sauna outside.

Whew... just posting that makes me feel better! :)

Couple days of digestion

2008-07-14T06:15:00.002-05:00

Now that I have had a couple days to digest the fact that we are not pregnant... I have realized I am really sad. I was laying in bed last night and Gary and I started talking. I think it was the first time I had thought about the fact that I really wasn't pregnant. It was like I realized... I am not going to be 18 weeks along when we go to Mexico for our 5 year anniversary in November, I am not going to be pregnant over the holidays and I am not due on March 18th like that "estimated due date" calculator told me I would be. These were thoughts that I had thought about almost daily since we started the whole IVF process in April. I am a planner by nature so of course I had thought ahead about every moment the rest of this year holds and thought about how it would feel b/c I would be pregnant. And now here I sit on July 14th... and I am not. SUCKS!

The thing that I was thinking about last night that made me so sad--I want a baby/ a child made up of me and Gary. ME and GARY! Sure we could adopt, sure we could use donor sperm, but neither of those options include both parts of us. That makes me sad beyond belief. This wasn't supposed to be so difficult.

Guess I am just feeling a bit frustrated this morning! And it's Monday. Uugghh. I need to call and try to talk to the Dr. today. I think we played phone tag last week. I kinda feel like I tried to avoid calling him on Friday-- almost like I don't want to hear the words he is going to tell me. I need the info... but I don't want it. I really hate this.

What to do?

2008-07-10T05:54:00.002-05:00

It's early. I couldn't sleep.

I feel like I am in the weirdest place. Like I just don't know what to do. Gary and I have focused so much time and energy the past 3 months into this and I feel like it is over in the blink of an eye. We waited for yesterday for so long and in a 45 second voicemail it was over. I think I am in shock. I am not sure if it has really hit me that again, I have no idea when we will have our baby. I think that is the hardest part. At least with IVF we had a form of a timeline (which I have learned I apparently have no control over). Everyone says "just relax, it will happen" and that is all fine and good, but when you have so much hope and you feel like what you need is so close and then it is gone-- I cant explain it. I feel like I have no more tears. Even yesterday- I cried, but not nearly as hard as I did over Sunday and Monday. Since Sunday, I have been praying for strength to get through this. I guess this is it-- this is my strength. Is not crying a sign of strength? I guess. I also want to be sure I am not kidding myself. Like I am pretending to be strong b/c I think it will just be easier. I think only time will tell about that.

I need to call and actually talk to the Dr. today. I felt I was too emotional yesterday to call him back, ask him the questions I needed to and be in the frame of mind to listen to his answers. The Dr. said that if we tried again, we would probably have about a 35% success rate (I need to know how that was determined). As of right now, I do not think Gary and I will do another round of IVF-- at least not anytime soon. Without revealing actual $ amounts-- we have invested ALOT of money into this and we are just not in a place to do this again. I see no point in continually depleting our savings to have a baby that we then cant provide for. Yes, a baby would be worth all the money in the world, but Gary and I need to do what we are comfortable with.

Not really sure if I will post anymore. I mean I really started this blog to document our journey with infertility to parenthood. We've got the first part down, but the second, who knows when that will be ours. I want to repost an excerpt from one of my very first posts. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for us- be happy for us. Because of this journey, Gary and my's relationship has just become stronger than I could ever imagine.

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?
"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.
"No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.
"Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.
"While I would never choose infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

Not the news I was hoping for

2008-07-09T14:53:00.003-05:00

Dr. called and left a message. Our blood test was negative. Not a huge surprise (I peed on a stick this morning and it was negative) but hurts terribly none the less.

I have no idea what we will do at this point. Gary and I will both need time to heal from this emotional, physical and financial roller coaster we have been on. We put everything we have into this.

Thank you all for your support, prayers, well wishes and thoughts. I could not have gotten through this without all of you.

The dreaded wait

2008-07-09T10:16:00.001-05:00

Blood is drawn...drive home complete...now we sit and wait for the phone to ring. I am a complete bag of nerves. My hands... literally shaking.

The next few hours need to FLY by!!!

Clear mind (well clearer)

2008-07-08T06:35:00.002-05:00

I have a clearer mind today than I did yesterday. I decided yesterday that I would not be testing today. I will not test at home tomorrow either. I have decided I can not torture myself like that any longer. At this point-- all of this is out of our hands. If Gary and I were meant to get pregnant from this cycle, then I will have a very shocking call tomorrow afternoon. If we weren't, well then we will regroup and figure out what to do next. In the words of my wonderful hubby- "We will have our baby." One way or another.

One thing that my friend told me-- that I keep reminding myself is this:
"God doesn't give us the dream and desire if He is not going to fulfill it for us. Our problem is His time does not always meet our schedule!"

I have learned a lot from this friend and she knows who she is. Thank you D.

I also had a great walk yesterday afternoon with another of my wonderful friends "R". She is my ear and my shoulder here and I honestly don't know what I would do without her. She is always so clear and level headed and talking to her ALWAYS makes me feel better. We walked and talked and after 45 minutes-- I felt SO much better. My mind felt more clear. And darn it- I forgot how good it felt to exercise... sadly it has been a LONG time.

I also had another great friend (M) call me yesterday. Actually she called me twice-- which never happens! :) So when she called a second time...I knew she had something good to tell me. She called to tell me that her sister in law, who has amazing triplets from IVF, called to tell her that she read my blog and wanted me to know that she felt exactly as I felt on Sunday and that she tested negative up to a couple days before her blood test. This gives me hope. The more stories I find out there... the more my hope builds. Thank you M and P! :)

So this is where I am. I am tearless as I write this- which makes me feel like I am at peace with whatever happens tomorrow. We all know how I hope it ends... but only time will tell. Thank you all for your strength and prayers-- they have meant the world to Gary and me!

Trying...

2008-07-07T11:29:00.000-05:00

Still testing negative...still trying to stay positive.

Moments of Doubt and Worry

2008-07-06T13:00:00.004-05:00

So the morning has been pretty rough. Through this entire process I have tried really really hard to keep a positive attitude. Today, I am really struggling with staying positive.
While I know it is still early, I am 8 days past my transfer and I tested negative this morning.

Broke my heart.

Again, I know it is still early, but when you read as much as I do on the Internet, you learn things that can cause doubt. It seems most see a + around day 7 or 8. I have read a few people say they didn't get their + until day 9, 10 or 11, but most seem to be earlier than that.

When I get into a situation like this-- where I have put so much of my heart and soul into something-- it takes everything of me emotionally. I cried for hours this morning. Pulled it together long enough to go to church. Came home, Gary was awake, sobbed again for a good half hour. I am just terrified we have put all we have into this and we are going to be disappointed. I know-- not a positive outlook, but I am tired. Being positive is hard sometimes and I am exhausted.

I think the hardest part of this morning was that I had a dream this morning. I dreamt I took a test and it was positive. So I took another test and that one was positive too. And then I took a digital and that test was positive too. When I woke up-- I thought it was real and I was pregnant. Then I realized it was a dream and I still had to get up and pee and test. So I did. My test wasn't positive. Almost like having your dreams crushed.

I have not given up all hope yet-- I am still praying tomorrow I wake up, test and see those beautiful pink lines appear. I am also praying that my friend/carpool buddy has the miracle of seeing those beautiful pink lines too (maybe she already has???? :) )!!

Daily Play by Play

2008-07-02T07:18:00.005-05:00

I thought this was very interesting-- I picked it up from Wendy's blog.

Here is what is happening daily with a 3 day transfer:

1dpt ..Embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins, as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

Notes: dpt= days past transfer

Blastocyst=an embryo which has developed to the point of having 2 different cell components and a fluid cavity

A constant test

2008-06-30T19:36:00.003-05:00

This entire process seems like a constant test. Being tested to see how much we can handle. We are tested emotional, physically, financially and spiritually. Some tests are easier than others. Some tests once complete are like a victory. Some test are so challenging we want to give up. Some tests rock us to the core.

This entire process has been the biggest challenge of my life! Everyday I am amazed that I have been able to get through it-- and kept my sanity (which Gary may argue with!). Gary has been my rock through this- my voice of reason! Without him- this experience would not have been as "easy".

These are some of the thoughts I have pondered on over the past couple days. Laying around not being able to do much gives much time for reflection. Uugghh... bed rest alone has been a test! One that I am happy to say is over!

Next test... stay patient and wait out the next couple weeks until my blood test. This may the most difficult of all!

And now our babies bake...

2008-06-28T19:10:00.002-05:00

We had our 3 day transfer today. I was extremely nervous when the call came at 9:15 this morning. My nerves have certainly been getting the best of me. I was wide awake at 3am...watching a cheesy Lindsey Lohan movie- "Just My Luck". If you haven't seen it... unless you need something to put you back to sleep at 3am...I don't really recommend it. Put me back to sleep for a couple hours, but not for long...I was walking into Walmart this morning at 7am. I figured if I was going to be a nervous wreck- I might as well get my grocery shopping done while Walmart was empty. Actually I wanted to buy Pomegranate juice and Walmart has the best prices so that was really my motivation to go to Walmart so early.

So anyway... about our embies! First embryo's are graded at our clinic on a scale of 1-5-- 1 being the best. The embryos are graded based on how fast they are splitting, how their cell shape looks and how many cells they have. At this point-- 3 days past retrieval-- we want the embryos to be 8 cells-- that means they are splitting on track. So the Dr. told us we had one 8-cell Grade 1 embryo, one 8-cell Grade 2, one 7-cell Grade 2, and a few 6-cell Grade 3's. We were thrilled to hear that we had at least one perfect Grade 1 and an above average Grade 2. Huge sigh of relief! The Dr. told us that the grade 3's seemed to be fragmenting negatively--so that is why they had us come in for the 3 day transfer.

The actual procedure took about 20 minutes or so. Slightly uncomfortable but nothing too bad. The Valium I popped prior to going in probably helped with that! Thankfully Gary was allowed to be in the room with me and held my hand the whole time.

So now we sit and wait and hope our babies get cozy! 48 hours of bed rest will hopefully help with that! Gary is fully ready to wait on me hand and foot!! Yay! I have my stock pile of magazines and the remote close by!

10 still going strong...

2008-06-27T18:17:00.003-05:00

Got our call from the nurse this afternoon. She said we still had 10 embryos--thank God! She did say the Dr. sounded like he was leaning towards a 3 day transfer--- so tomorrow will likely be our day! We should expect to get a call around 9 or so and we will head over.
Positive thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated for our babies!! I consider myself and Gary parents already and in 9 months we will be welcoming our baby (or babies) into the world!
I will keep you posted after our transfer...

Fertilized Report is in!!!

2008-06-26T10:02:00.002-05:00

So just got off the phone with the nurse...
Of our 21 eggs, 15 were mature and of those 15, 10 fertilized!! I am so happy! But I am fully aware that we are not out of the dark yet and there is always a chance that some of those 10 can drop off.

Please pray that our embies stay strong and keep on growing!!!

If all goes well-- we will have our transfer either on Saturday or on Monday...but I wont know until Saturday morning.

I will keep you all posted!

Blackjack!!!

2008-06-25T16:37:00.002-05:00

Well, just got back from the egg retrieval a little bit ago! Overall I feel pretty good---slept most of the way home because I was feeling a little queasy.

So...reason my entry is titled blackjack??? We got 21! 21 eggs!!! YAY! I am beyond thrilled!! Of course we know not all will be mature and even less will actually fertilized, but having 21 to start greatly increases our odds! We are really excited!

So I am going to lay low for the rest of the night since I am still pretty achy and I will post our fertilized report when I get the call tomorrow!

Thank you all for you thoughts, prayers and well wishes! They mean a lot to me!

Triggering Tonight!!!

2008-06-23T14:17:00.004-05:00

This makes it all seem real. Time has flown by so fast and I honestly cant believe we are at this point already! I am beyond excited...but scared and nervous at the same time!

Wednesday will be our day!

***Edit- Since a lot of have asked-- I figured I would clarify here-- when I say "triggering" what I was refering to was a shot that triggers my ovaries to release my eggs. :) I worked!!! See my post above! ;)

This WEEK!!!

2008-06-22T13:00:00.005-05:00

Oh.my.gosh!!! Can I just tell you... time has flown by! It is so hard to believe that almost 10 weeks ago... I posted my first entry. Now here we are! Unreal and SO exciting!!! I am feeling extremely positive and hopeful that this week is it-- the week I get knocked up! (I know not the most appropriate term, but sounds funny when I say it to Gary!!)

I wanted to show you all a picture of my good luck cake to Gary. I have been taking a cake decorating class for the past 3 weeks and so we are pretty "caked out". Since I started the class I have been making white cakes since that is what the teacher had suggested--for frosting ease. Well, Gary likes chocolate-- so yesterday afternoon-- I decide to change it up a bit and make him a chocolate cake. Then I decided to be corny...

Get it? Took Gary a second... ha!!

Yay! 3 more!!

2008-06-21T18:15:00.002-05:00

Went for a check up today-- turn out good! I now have 12 follies-- measuring between 15 and 9--so the Dr. thinks I am in good shape! I will go back on Monday for another check up...hopefully these follies keep growing and maturing!!

I am starting to bruise up pretty bad from the injections. Not fun or attractive to look at... poor Gary! Thankfully after (hopefully) Monday when I trigger I will be done with these injections! I will have to start progesterone in oil injections (PIO)...but that is just 1 and in my bum. I have heard not so good things about the PIO--long needles, hurt, leave bruises, etc... so I am not out of pain quite yet! Of course, I am sure this is nothing compared to labor...so I am just prepping myself-- right??? :)

Praying for more eggs...

2008-06-19T11:04:00.005-05:00

Went for blood work and an ultrasound this morning! Went pretty good! Dr. says I have 9 eggs as of right now. He said it was good. I was hoping for many more than that! I asked him if I could release more-- he said I would probably end up with about 9 or 10. I know I need to stay positive and know that 9 is a good number, but I will ask everyone to say a little prayer that I release a couple more. I would love 12 or 15! :)

I keep having these moments of... I cant believe it is almost time already! I still feel like it was just yesterday that we went in for our consult! I called Gary yesterday and told him he was "knocking me up" in a week... he laughed... then said-- I cant believe it is next week already. Time really has flown by!

I got to carpool to the clinic today-- it was great! I will admit...I was a little nervous...riding for 3 hours with a complete stranger. But honestly... I was quite comfortable with her. We chatted the whole time...had some good laughs... made the 200 mile trip much more enjoyable! And...I saved $50! Yay!!

Also... bought my mommy mobile over the weekend!! Yay! I am so excited! We traded my car in for a 2008 Nissan Pathfinder! I think it is going to be the perfect family vehicle-- with room for Tanner too!!

Happy Birthday to Tammy too!! Wish I was in CT to celebrate with you!

Jinx

2008-06-17T12:23:00.002-05:00

So I think I jinxed myself with my last post about how my tummy was sore. Not soon after I posted did the clinic call and tell me I needed to up my dosing AND that I have to split the doses to morning and evening injections! Great... 2 added injections per day! I really am going to run out of room!

In light of trying to stay positive...I know this is all for a good cause! I know that in 3 weeks when I pee on that stick and see 2 lines...it will have all been worth it! Each and every needle stick I endure will be in effort of a miracle!!

I am also happy to say that I have found a car pool buddy! As I have posted before my clinic is an hour and a half from my house...aka $70 in gas! So when I went in on Monday for my 30 seconds of blood work-- i mentioned to the nurse how great it would be to know someone from my town who was cycling with me. She said they actually had a couple ladies from my town. So I gave the nurse my number and told her that if anyone came in on Monday from my town and was also going in the day of my next appointment to give them my number and if they were interested in carpooling to give me a call. Sure enough... Monday afternoon-- I got a call. So on Thursday I will be riding to my appt. with a complete stranger! Ha! Seems strange...but in reality she and I already have something bonding us together--INFERTILITY! I look forward to hearing her story! (hopefully she will want to share)

My tummy is sore...

2008-06-16T12:28:00.004-05:00

I am only on day 3 of "3 a days" and my tummy is already very sore. My "3 a days" you ask? Well that would be my 5 units of Lupron, 5oiu of Follistim and 75iu of Repronex. Good stuff huh? I have 3 injections for the next 8 days-- I think I am going to run out of space!! I have been favoring my left side because it seemed to hurt less on that side, but now that side is sore. I will have to move back to the right side tonight and give the left a chance to heal.

I went for blood work today! Waiting for the clinic to call and let me know how I am responding to the meds so far. Right now I am stimulating my ovaries. Word on the street is I will probably get very bloated and really feel my ovaries working. Generally I can feel when I am ovulating so I am expecting this is going to be like ovulation on steroids--aka- not fun!

Father's Day

2008-06-15T15:21:00.007-05:00

I woke up with one thought this morning... please let this be the last Father's Day that Gary has to get a card from only the dog! I pray that next father's day we have the opportunity to get up as a family and celebrate!

As for my dad-- he is the best! I know he doesn't read my blog, but I thought I would pay tribute to him today!

This picture is he and I in Victoria, British Columbia. I am pretty sure--when I think back to this moment--we were in "make up" mode. I think we had just had some little tiff about something to do with the restaurant we were in. I cant remember all the details-- but I am glad to see how big we are smiling... true daddy's little girl love!!

Quiet and Slow

2008-06-12T11:48:00.002-05:00

So things for the past few days have been pretty quiet-- meaning-- not much to report! I have been doing my nightly injections of lupron. Like I said a few posts back-- it hasn't been to bad. I have actually been giving the injections to myself. Gary was out of town for a night over the weekend--so I had no choice. Sunday night--he made me bleed-- so I have cut him out of the process. I don't think I hurt his feelings!! :)
Went for a check up today-- blood work and ultrasound. The ultrasound looked good-- no cysts! I don't think I have ever had a cyst so it wasn't a real big surprise. I learned how to do my next round of meds-- Follistim and Repronex. So I wait for the call this afternoon (blood work results) and I will start the new meds on Saturday. That will be 3 injections per day-- my poor tummy!
All in all I am feeling pretty good. Slightly more moody and emotional than normal, but I guess that is to be expected. If Gary can make it through the whirlwind of my mood then I think we should be in great shape!!
On one of the message boards I frequently read there have been a ton of BFP (big fat positives) lately-- so I am hoping that is a good sign. Not that their BFP's have anything to do with me... but I will grasp at straws if I have to!!

Tagged Again

2008-06-08T08:32:00.005-05:00

I have been tagged again! This time by Shawna:

Here are the rules:The rules of the game get posted at the beginning. Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5-6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1. What was I doing 10 years ago? I was still in college at Plymouth State College. Actually-in June of 1998 I was nannying in Watch Hill, RI for a great family. Nannying at the beach gave me a couple of WONDERFUL summers. It was definitely hard work, but I had great friends with me, made some great friends and had some fun experiences!!

2. Five things on my to do list for today. 1. Hang the pictures back on my wall in my living room(I painted yesterday), 2. do some laundry, 3. get to the gym, 4. make dinner for me and my hubby, and 5. Watch the season premiere of Army Wives!!! (so excited!!)

3. Snacks I enjoy. TLC Mediterranean crackers with laughing cow cheese, carrots with hummus, peanut butter toast with banana, popcorn

4. Things I would do if I was a billionaire. A couple things: Try to help fund finding the cure for cancer, Adopt some babies, Travel the world! There is so much I would love to see if I had an endless bank account! I would also shop my heart out!! :)

5. Places I have lived. CT, NH, RI, WA and now LA

My meme

2008-06-07T20:35:00.007-05:00

I have been tagged by VA Blondie for a meme. Description below:

The meme originated over an idea that was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith & Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure. It's a compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet ten dollars that he could sum up his life in six words. His words were, "For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn."

1. Write your own six word memoir.
2. Post it to your blog including a visual illustration if you would like.

3. Link to the person who tagged you in your post and to this original post.

4. Tag 5 more blogs with links
5. Don't forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation to play.

My six word memoir:

Daughter, Sister, Wife, Friend, Wannabe Mom

I tag:

1. His Eyes and My Nose

2. Nit

3. Maybe Baby

4. We're Barren, How 'bout You?

5. Baby Step

Lupron Straight Up Please!

2008-06-05T07:58:00.004-05:00

That is how I roll these days...It wasn't so bad. I have been fretting about these abdominal injections, but I have to say... when all was said and done. It wasn't so bad!

I think Gary enjoyed it a little too much though! :)

Daddy Instincts

2008-06-04T11:50:00.002-05:00

I meant to post this over the weekend and forgot. I have to just tell you how cute Gary was at the baseball game on Friday night and how I know he is going to be an awesome daddy.

So our seats on Friday night were in row 8 along the third base line-- prime target place for speeding foul balls. About 20 minutes before the game starts an older woman comes and sits in front of us. She had several bags with her and puts them in a couple of the other seats-- we figured she had others with her. A little bit later a younger girl and an older man join her (assuming her husband and daughter). Her daughter has a young baby in a swaddler. Now generally I would think nothing of this. Gary looks at me, looks at the girl and shakes his head. He leans over to me and says-- "This is a very bad place to be sitting with a baby-- what is wrong with people?" I thought it was so cute that his first thought was about the safety of the baby! His protective instincts are there... and the baby wasn't even his!

Thankfully, the only time a foul ball came in our direction... the mother and baby were already gone.

Ovary Check, Baseball and Window Shopping- Does it get better??

2008-06-01T20:49:00.007-05:00

What a great weekend we had! Seriously... I wish every weekend was a 3 day weekend!

Our weekend started off on Friday. We were heading to Arlington, TX to watch Texas Rangers baseball. Anyone who knows my hubby knows that a majority of his life revolves around sports! On any given night of the week the sound of baseball on TV echos through our house. He literally watches it almost every night! So this weekend was our first trip to the Ballpark in Arlington to watch a couple games. (I will fully admit- I have come to really enjoy baseball!!--but please don't tell my hubby ;) )

On our way out we stopped in Shreveport for my blood work and mock transfer appointment. It went great! Took far less time than I had expected. Basically the Dr. did his thing to measure and route his map for the actual egg transfer. He told me my ovaries looked great and because of this he was going to save us a trip this week! Yay!! I wont lie-- being able to save the $60 in gas it takes to get there and back-- a wonderful thing!! Because we were not going to be making the trip out there this week they had to show us how to do the injections. I have to say-- now that they showed us how to do it-- I am not as worried. I still don't think the pain of nightly injections will be fun, but the actual process doesn't seem like it will be so bad! Hallelujah!!!

After our appt. we made the 3.5 hour drive to Arlington! The weather was absolutely gorgeous this weekend! On the hotter side (mid 90's and 70% humidty), but not a cloud in the sky. Perfect weather for 2 night baseball games. We had great seats and a great time!

While we were in the Dallas area we took advantage of being able to browse in a "nice" mall-- so we headed to the Dallas Galleria. Nice stores-- great for lots of browsing! The only thing we purchased... candy apples! :) Rocky Mountain Chocolate Company has the best! The most unhealthy way to eat an apple- but a total treat!

Today we made our way home! We were so anxious to see Tanner. We talked about him all weekend! He spent the 2 nights across the street at our neighbors (Thanks Rachelle!). They have a 6 month old Rottie puppy who is a total ball of energy. Tanner was pooped when we picked him up. This has been his position since he came home... Poor thing...tough being a doggie! :)I will say...I think he has the right idea! I am beat and ready to head to bed!

All in all...this was a great weekend before the madness of our IVF life begins! Bring it on! :)

Comments, Comments, Comments

2008-05-29T07:03:00.003-05:00

I Love Them!!

I am participating in NaComLeaMo and I have received so many comments!! It is nice to receive comments from people who can relate! Of course... I am not comment bias-- I love comments from those that cant relate too!!! :)

I took this picture of Tanner yesterday... thought I would share! This face makes me smile a million times a day--everyday!!

Happy Hump Day!!!

2008-05-28T06:46:00.002-05:00

I don't have much to write about today, but figured since I hadn't written since the weekend-- I better write!

Thankfully my week is almost over! Thanks to the holiday on Monday and my wonderful "summer" Friday's-- this was a whopping big 3 day week for me! This weekend Gary and I are heading to Dallas to watch 2 baseball games! I am really looking forward to the weekend away and I am praying mother nature gives us a little heat and humidity relief-- so we can actually enjoy being at the games!

On our way out to Dallas on Friday we will stop in Shreveport at the clinic. I will have some bloowork done and my "mock" transfer. With the mock transfer-- they are going to go in and take a look at my lining and ovaries-- make sure there are not polyps/cyst. I don't think I have ever had either-- so we should be good to go. They will also measure my uterus-- this helps them prepare so that the day of the actual egg transfer they know exactly what they are working with!

Next week really starts the process for us-- next Wednesday--I go in for more blood work (I think they may suck me dry!) and for our "injection" class! YIKES!! Gary will essentially learn how to stab me with those needles that I glare at each time I walk by the dining room table. I think they are haunting me!!

I have read about some side effects of the drugs I will be taking next week-- mainly headaches and bloat. I pray that I don't have that reaction b/c honestly I hate headaches! I don't really know anyone that likes them... but I really hate them. We'll see...I guess if that is the worst part of all this... I can manage!

In case I don't write again until after the weekend... have a great one!

Not 1, but 2 Baby Bellies

2008-05-24T09:27:00.003-05:00

So I am back from my week long trip to NJ. Meetings were long and somewhat exhausting but what can be expected??

I read alot of other women's blogs and a lot of message boards. One trend that I often see among others who are having trouble trying to conceive is this uncontrollable emotion around the news of "others" getting pregnant or the sight of pregnant bellies. I will fully admit-- I have questioned myself a time or two on how it makes me feel to find out someone is pregnant or question myself on the decision to have dinner with a very pregnant friend. I sadly almost think I was forcing myself to question b/c it seemed that that was what I was supposed to do. I have been trying for so long so it "should" upset me that I have had 12 friends/ family members in the 4 years I have been trying get pregnant--get pregnant (some twice). It "should" upset me that I have friends who planned out "when" they were going to get pregnant- AND it worked! It "should" upset me that people who don't know about our struggles say ignorant things-- without knowing. Now I don't think I would be human if I didn't feel a little sting when these situations happen, but I do think I have been forcing myself to feel stabbed by these situations. Based on where we stand with our journey and my faith--that has changed!

With my trip to NJ came the knowledge that I would be with a pregnant co-worker for 3 days. On my plane ride up I was thinking about how it would make me feel to look at her pregnant belly for the next couple days. Was it going to upset me? Was I going to want to break into tears at the sight of how cute she looked? Was I going to avoid looking? I decided NO to all of those! I am beyond thrilled for her-- and why shouldn't I be? Why should our troubles to conceive interrupt my excitement and happiness for others? What kind of person would that make me? It would make me a person I don't want to be-- so I will fight it!

Well, unexpectedly-- there was not just 1 baby belly, but there were 2! Wasn't really prepared for that...but I think that my revalation on my plane ride set me up good! The second baby belly was of another co-worker who I had last seen in November. Back then it was my first time meeting her. I remember she and I having a conversation about her 3 year old daughter and how she said that they would probably start trying for their 2nd soon. Well- I learned this trip that that was her way of saying she was 9 weeks along but not telling anyone! ha!

I looked at both of these co-workers over the past week with awe. I am SO excited! The thought of soon having a belly where you know there is a life growing inside-- i cant explain it. I cant explain how it will make me feel to know that all this time of waiting is finally over and in a few months we will welcome our own baby into the world. Some may think I am jumping the gun since I am not even pregnant yet-- but I have to be positive...I have to know this will work.

The "coined" 18 years start today...

2008-05-19T09:30:00.003-05:00

Day 1! Yay!! I am really feeling like today is Day 1 of our next 18 years!! Today marks the day that all the "statistics" talk about. How much it costs to raise a child for 18 years...blah, blah, blah. Funny our 18 year costs starts prior to our baby being conceived (do they have a statistic for that??), but ultimately every penny will be worth it! No doubt!!!

We start our protocol today. I happily handed Gary his little blue Doxycycline pill this morning. I took mine as well. I will start my birth control tonight. I haven't taken birth control in sometime, so I figure making part of my evening routine will be best.

I head out to NJ tomorrow for a couple days of work meetings...so I probably wont do any posting until later in the week or over the weekend! Memorial Day this weekend-- how quickly it came up. I wouldn't be lying if I said that even though it is only Monday...I am really really looking forward to a long weekend!

Now I am scared

2008-05-16T09:27:00.006-05:00

The meds came. Considering how much we paid-- I would have expected the box to be much larger! Everything was neatly and strategically placed in side.

So...here it is:

And...it's contents:

YIKES-- the syringes (there are a lot of them :( ):

Just to give you an idea

2008-05-16T08:14:00.002-05:00

So I ordered my meds yesterday! YIKES! The lady on the phone literally rattled down a list of meds for like 5 minutes and then says-- "Does that sound about right?" Umm...I guess. Since I cant pronounce half of what you just said-- sure that sounds great!! Words that I did grab in her ramblings-- syringes--YIKES and Valium--YAY! Ha!

So they should all be here today.

I start my birth control (bcp) on Monday. I haven't been on birth control in years- I hope I can remember to take the little pill everyday. I will be on bcp for about 3 weeks. Along with the bcp I have to take my prenatal, additional folic acid, baby aspirin and Gary and I will both need to take a round of antibiotics. My IVF cocktail as Gary calls it! Maybe if I put them in a martini glass that will make it better... not so sure!
Around June 4th I will start my injections. This is where I start to get nervous!! I need to be injected daily for the next 20 days or so. Scary!!! I will have Gary do the injections for me (yes-- he is very excited about this!), but i will have a few days in which I will need to do them myself b/c Gary will be away. I hope I can handle this part!
Within all these injections I have a number of monitoring appointments. The Dr. will keep a close watch on my levels to be sure we are not over stimulating my ovaries and that we are aiding the uterus to make a perfect lining for implantation. We want that embryo to snuggle in nice for 9 months!!
Hopefully if I respond just the way I should-- we have our egg retrieval scheduled for June 25th!

And guilt for my bitchy attitude sets in

2008-05-14T09:51:00.002-05:00

So i finally heard from the nurse. She had a severe allergic reaction to some medication she was taking-- it nearly landed her in the hospital and she is out on medical leave until Monday. So of course I feel bad. I feel bad that I swore her up and down all day yesterday. In my defense-- she never told me that if I don't hear back from her from a voicemail the same day or the next morning that I should call the regular nurse line. How would I know that? So anyway...I forgive her for not getting back to me...and still feel guilty about being so pissed off yesterday!

YAY! I start my birth control pills on Monday! Very exciting! I have the whole plan mapped out...appointment by appointment by appointment. My social calendar is going to be very busy soon! Ha! How on earth will I keep up??

I should be receiving all my meds in the mail sometime this week-- I think there is going to be alot. Kind of scary. Kind of exciting. I will take a picture when they arrive--so you all can share in the excitement! :)

Time to focus on work again...

Not trying to string you along...

2008-05-14T07:05:00.003-05:00

I don't want you to think I have this amazing ability to increase the level of suspense and anticipation surrounding this. Fact of the matter is... I don't have any news. I haven't talked to the IVF coordinator-- despite multiple voice mails-- I am starting to take it personally!

Gary is heading down there today for some blood work and tests-- I am going to go for the ride. I know...I know...wasn't it just me that was complaining about the ride to Shreveport?? Yes, but--Gary has been really busy with work and extra circulars (aka--coaching and playing baseball) so I am going to take advantage of getting to spend a few quiet hours with him today! "Nurse Cindy" is the one who is supposed to do his blood draw...so if I don't hear from her this morning... I will corner her when we get there. She should know there is no escaping us!! :) (I sound so threatening don't I???)

I promise-- as soon as I know something...I will update!

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T08:11:00.007-05:00

Just wanted to wish my family and friends a Happy Mother's Day! For a few of you...this is your first!! Enjoy the day with your babies! For my mom... it's your 30th!! :) Wish I could be with you to celebrate.

Hopefully at this time next year...I will be celebrating my first! I am pretty sure I said that last year at this time... and the year before, but I am much more confident that it could be a reality this time!!

And...still...waiting...

2008-05-09T15:59:00.002-05:00

Not sure what is going on...but pretty sure the clinic is trying to kill me via anticipation.

Still no word... :( Maybe Monday...

Just waiting...and waiting...and waiting....

2008-05-06T18:37:00.004-05:00

Everyday that goes by... is complete torture! Right now I am waiting for the IVF Nurse Coordinator to call me and give me my "plan."
I was impatient last week and called pretending I was calling for a follow-up on my blood work. (sneaky...i know) She called me back and told me my blood work looked fine (phew...I was worried!) and told me she would call this week with my IVF plan. So I know today is only Tuesday... the 2nd day of the week...but I couldn't wait any longer... I had to call again.
So I left a message and she just called me back. This time...I pretended the reason for my call was that I need to schedule some meetings for work and really needed to know my approximate schedule before I could do that. (not 100% untrue, but I certainly could have waited a few more days!) Anyway... we chatted a bit and she gave me the 2 possible weeks that the magic could happen. AND she said that she would be calling either tomorrow, Thursday or Friday (way to narrow it down Nurse Cindy!)to go over the actual and complete plan.
I am sure they realize...but I don't think they REALLY realize how long each day seems when you are waiting to hear about when you will have the opportunity to create a baby.

Slow but steady wins the race...right???

Thinking Transformation...

2008-05-03T09:26:00.003-05:00

I have realized that I have done a lot of growing in the past 6 months or so. In the past 6 months- I have started reading other peoples blogs- almost on a daily basis. The types of blogs I read vary-- some are just basic blogs of friends, some are cooking blogs, many are infertility blogs, some are life after infertility blogs and some are more morbid- about death of babies or spouses.

I have learned from each one. I continually learn how funny some of my friends (or friends husbands) are. I learn how to make the perfect banana bread. I learned that I will have a table full of drugs to inject into my body here in a few weeks. I have learned about the challenges of having triplets. I have learned about heartache from losing babies after having them become part of your family. And I have learned strength from a now single dad who tragically lost his wife 27 hours after his baby was born.

I had a some what deep conversation (over instant messenger) yesterday with a friend/co-worker and we were discussing how your thinking changes. By reading about what other people are going through- by witnessing their very open and raw emotion-- it changes your own thinking. It forces you to reflect on your own life and think about how you deal with the "challenges and struggles" that you have and sets a new level of appreciation for what you have.

While I do think that I lived in denial for years about how difficult it would be for Gary and I to get pregnant, I think that realization of my denial (mom- you were there...think back to our Dallas trip) has made me a stronger, less naive person. I am beyond thankful that we have the opportunity to try IVF to conceive. I will not be naive and say that I am 100% positive it will work-- because I am not. But just having this awesome opportunity will be a learning experience and I pray each night that it ends positively (maybe 2 times over ;) ).
I also received a "forward" this week from my dear neighbor about thinking positively. Now generally I don't really read forwards, but the subject line got me...so I read it. Made me think and some what prompted me to write this morning:

When your hut's on fire
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, "God! How could you do this to me?" Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.

The Moral of This Story: It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.

My psychic abilities...

2008-04-30T09:06:00.003-05:00

So, I wanted to tell you about my new found psychic abilities. Crazy... I know...but listen to this.

So I have a contact at one of the vendors I use for work- her name is Chris. On Monday night, I had this weird dream. Chris sent out this really funny weird email and in it she announces she was pregnant. I dont really remember what else the email said, but found it strange that she had thrown in, sort of off the cuff, that she was pregnant. So I wake up yesterday morning, think about the dream, think it was kind of strange... but then forgot about it.

This morning, I happen to get an email from Chris saying that she is out of the office today and will not be able to make our standing monthly conference call. So I email her back-- thanking her for letting me know and I proceed to tell her about the funny dream I had about her.

Umm... yeah... she just called me. She is 9 weeks pregnant! Now I am totally weirded out about this for a few of reasons:
1. I maybe talk to Chris once or twice a month-- why she was randomly in my dream-- I have NO idea.
2. I never see Chris (she is in Houston)- so it is not like we have ever had pregnancy/baby conversations or such. It's not even like I could have seen abnormal behavior (eating crackers, running to the bathroom, etc.) and suspected.
and
3. I have had stuff like this happen to me before and it ALWAYS freaks me out.

So... I am just waiting to have a dream about myself having a baby and we will be all set!! :)

Thermometer Grave Yard

2008-04-29T09:03:00.005-05:00

Well... I have decided to put my basal thermometer to rest. When we really started focusing on trying to get pregnant- I started taking my temperature daily and recording it. Your temps are supposed to dictate where you are in your cycle and when you are most fertile. The issue with temping is that you have to do it first thing after you wake up---before you even get up to pee. And it is supposed to be after 4 solid hours of sleep. Oh, and another requirement...try to take your temp around the same time daily.

Easy right?

Well... it became pretty consuming for me. If I woke at 3am-- I had to have a mental debate with my self...do I take my temp now...or can I get up and pee and sleep 4 more hours? Have I already been sleeping 4 hours? What if I only sleep 3 hours-- will I have to discard this temp? Umm...yeah... mental debates in the middle of the night... don't always go well. I have fallen asleep with the thermometer in my mouth... woken up and wondered what the hell I was doing! Dropped the thermometer when trying to reach for it with my eye's closed. Trying to feel around for it on the floor--in the dark...without having to get out of bed.

Okay...I digress...I am putting the thermometer to bed...hopefully forever! Just wanted to share the moment with you!!

What my nightstand typically looks like...

The Graveyard... yes... i have more than 1 thermometer...

Goodnight... FOREVER!!!

.

2008-04-26T06:50:00.002-05:00

n WAHOO!!!! (and that is all I am going to say about that!)

Phew...sigh of relief

2008-04-24T07:57:00.002-05:00

So I told my boss today about what was going on. Normally I wouldn't share something like this with my boss...but considering the # of appts. I will have over the next couple months... I thought it would be important. When we had our consult with the Dr. I believe he said I would have 13 visits! 13! That is a lot and considering the clinic is an hour and a half away... it will never be a quick trip.

Anyway... she was really great! I was an emotional mess (thanks for that gene mom!) and she quickly calmed me down. Told me to take the time I needed and to take the time and focus on what I was doing. I assured her I would schedule my appts. first thing in the a.m. and always be available via cell. Again...told me not to worry about it. I have to say-- it lifts some weight off my shoulders. This is all very emotional and stressful and knowing that I have the support of my boss- gives me one less thing to stress about!

Now it is just a waiting game. I am expecting I will have to go to Shreveport for my 1st blood work either on Sunday or Monday. That is what is going to get this whole ball rolling!! Of course...the blood work is dependant on when my "Aunt Flo" comes... so come on Auntie!! ha! I will have never have been so excited to get my period before!! hehehe....

A Little Lesson...

2008-04-21T19:42:00.003-05:00

I have decided to back up a step and give an overview of what IVF is. Since most of those that I am going to share this blog with have never experience infertility-- I want to back up so that you have an idea as to what the heck I am talking about! :)

I guess the best way explain what IVF is-- is to just give you the definition-- I think it pretty much sums it up (well...good enough for now anyway ;) ):

In vitro fertilization^[1] (IVF) is a technique in which egg cells are fertilised by sperm outside the woman's womb, in vitro. IVF is a major treatment in infertility when other methods of assisted reproductive technology have failed. The process involves hormonally controlling the ovulatory process, removing ova (eggs) from the woman's ovaries and letting sperm fertilise them in a fluid medium. The fertilised egg (zygote) is then transferred to the patient's uterus with the intent to establish a successful pregnancy.

Doesn't it sound really fun???? Can't wait... seriously...I can't! :)

I hope that helps...

And we have a plan...

2008-04-21T17:14:00.003-05:00

Holy crap! We have a plan!

Gary and I met with Dr. Vandermolen at The Center for Fertility and Reproduction today. It was an all day event. We left the house at 8am for our 11am appt. I was afraid to be late! Ha! We got down to Shreveport plenty early, had breakfast at IHop and then headed over to the clinic. We got there super early and I thought it would be a good thing. Well... we were still sitting in the waiting room at noon. Note to self-- getting there early does us no good.

Dr. Vandermolen was a nice guy. Spent lots of time going over our medical history, current history and past tests/ procedures. We were armed with it all. :) I think he was a little surprised! Based on Gary's numbers he suggested that we do IVF with ICSI. Basically this the IVF where they inject the sperm right into the egg-- therefore increasing the chance for fertilizing (which is the goal).

So... it is a 6 week prep period which includes everything from blood work, birth control pills (regulate the hormones), daily injections, ultrasounds and eventually the egg retrieval. It really is all very amazing and this clinic has pretty standard success rates. I have done research and they are tied for 1st in success rates in the State of LA-- so that is good!

So... if all goes well... Baby Robinson will be here with us at this time next year! :)

What god meant when he gave me infertility...

2008-04-18T14:10:00.004-05:00

I was on "The Nest" today (a message board I frequently visit) and a "nestie" who is also having trouble trying to conceive posted this...and I just thought it was very fitting (she is not sure where it came from-- so neither am I):

"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?
"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.
"No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.
"Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.
"While I would never choose infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

Yay! Only one more week!

2008-04-18T07:43:00.001-05:00

So back in September...Gary and I joined a bowling league. I hadn't bowled in years, but thought...what the heck-- give us something to do on Thursday nights. Both Gary's brother and Granddad also bowled in this league--so for Gary it was a good opportunity to see his family each week.

Okay...so back to the point where I said this league started in September... 32 weeks! That is how long this league was... 32 LONG weeks! We had fun... but the bowling alley is in Shreveport...which is over an hour from our house. Getting there wasn't too bad...but the ride home...generally torture! Anyways... next week is our last week!!! Wahoo!! Too bad next week-- we have to make the drive to Shreveport 3 times... Monday for our Dr.'s appt, Thursday for our last night of bowling and again on Friday for the bowling awards banquet. Don't get me wrong...i don't think we are getting any awards...but we may get some money. Not sure how much they pay out to the 25 out of 30 seed team...but if it covers our gas... we will be happy!

I better stop complaining about the drive to Shreveport b/c if we start IVF... some weeks I will have to make multiple trips for monitoring and tests. Of course...those trips... i wont mind one bit!!! :)

Getting Ready

2008-04-17T14:47:00.000-05:00

Well... I have decided to start a blog. A blog about our struggle with infertility.

Why you ask?

Well...I have read many blogs that are written by strong women who are dealing with this awful situation. I have found hope in many of their postings and I have seen the support they have received from family, friends and strangers... some who can relate and some who cant.

The blogging world is amazing... I have followed several women's stories from the beginning stages of IF to adoption to miscarriages to birth and multiple birth. Each story is unique and I learn a little (many times alot) something from each one. Even if no one takes something away from my blog... I will have our story documented to show our future children! Hopefully they will see how very much we wanted them and worked hard for them!!

So... about us getting ready... we have our first appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist on Monday! I am so excited, anxious and very nervous! I have no idea what this doctor is going to say to us. I have all our medical records for the past 4 years. Gary's is a book! ha! I have call all the dr. offices that have done tests on us in the past and asked for a copy of those records... I am really hoping our new dr. doesnt want to repeat the tests.

Send good thoughts...