So it's been a while...

Yes, yes, I know...it has been a while. I have to be honest... it's been a while for a reason. I have cheated on my blog and started a new blog. A blog that I have kept private...until today.
Why a new blog you ask? Well... I wasn't quite ready to publish it here that....................

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes! Yes! You read that correctly! God has blessed us with a baby! Hard to believe I am typing those words! It is true and slowly starting to really sink in. This has been such a long time coming. There were times, I truly wondered if we would ever get this moment.

We are still a little early- 9 weeks on Friday, but we have heard the glorious strong heartbeat 2x's now, so I am feel more comfortable with telling people. It has been the greatest shocker to tell people... love hearing their reactions!

If you would like to continue to read about this journey... visit my new blog:
After Years In The Making

Happy "Blog"iversary To Me!!

Today is the 1 year anniversary of my first blog post! Hard to believe an entire has gone by since I wrote that first post. Amazing-- all the ups, downs, and ups you can have in 1 year!

I wanted to share something I read yesterday because I thought it was just beautiful!


"I wish you enough!"©By Bob Perk

I never really thought that I'd spend as much time in airports as I do. I don't know why. I always wanted to be famous and that would mean lots of travel. But I'm not famous, yet I do see more than my share of airports.

I love them and I hate them. I love them because of the people I get to watch. But they are also the same reason why I hate airports. It all comes down to "hello" and "goodbye."I must have mentioned this a few times while writing my stories for you.

Recently I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together. They had announced her departure and standing near the security gate, they hugged and he said, "I love you. I wish you enough." She in turn said, "Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Daddy."

They kissed and she left. He walked over toward the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say goodbye to someone knowing it would be forever?"

"Yes, I have," I replied. Saying that brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my Dad had done for me. Recognizing that his days were limited, I took the time to tell him face to face how much he meant to me.

So I knew what this man experiencing.

"Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever goodbye?" I asked.

"I am old and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, the next trip back would be for my funeral," he said.

"When you were saying goodbye I heard you say, "I wish you enough." May I ask what that means?"

He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone." He paused for a moment and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, he smiled even more."When we said 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them," he continued and then turning toward me he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.

"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough "Hello's" to get you through the final "Goodbye."

He then began to sob and walked away.

Happy Easter!

I know I am a day late. I felt I was a little bitter yesterday and decided probably better I not post. Holiday's are sometimes rough. Each holiday I think- "oh maybe next we will have a baby!"... well after saying that multiple times for the past 5 years... well, you know. So anyways, yesterday was not the easiest of days. I have become numb in a sense that I don't cry about it anymore and I can somewhat keep my attitude good, but deep down, Gary and I both know something is missing.

Yesterday turned out to be a very quiet Easter Sunday. Gary and I ended up just staying home together. We had planned to go to G's family, but due to some illness (Granny) and bad weather (supposed tornado warnings-according to my BIL) we decided to just stay home. I am really glad we did. It was nice to go to our first holiday mass at our church. Gary made it really special by dressing up in his choker whites= YUMMY!! :) See below:

Not sure if you can really see-- but Gary is not only sporting his whites, but a nice big black eye too! A result of playing basketball with kids half his age! He's no spring chicken!

Then we decided to go for Easter brunch. It was nice to enjoy a nice meal. We came home and I got to nap for a few hour-- that was so nice! The weather was not nice here yesterday- rainy and stormy-- so it was so nice to lay in bed and watch some movies!

Sometimes I worry that I am too much of a homebody, but honestly, I am just so comfortable in my house. Even though this past Easter is not how I am used to celebrating holidays... this year... it was okay!

Hope you all had a great day! xoxo

Last ditch effort...

for our 2009 baby. I believe I will be ovulating this week. If I ovulate on time (cycle day 14) then my due date would be December 25th. How wonderful of a Christmas blessing would it be to get pregnant this month? Beyond words. Do I have great hope that it can happen?? Honestly... no, but I do believe in the power of prayer...so help us out! Please send us a prayer or two this week. Thank you!!!

I also want to say thank you to all who still check in on us regularly. I know my posts have gotten few and far between, but it is nice to know that there are some out there still following along. I hope one day to have a wonderful announcement for you all! :)

Oh... and check out our new baby on the right. Well, she really isn't new, but I just put her picture up over the weekend. In January we added to our furry family. Her name is Girly...and that she is! She prances around a lot and thinks she is just queen bee!

The Moments Hit Hard Sometimes

There are days-- I think I am invincible...nothing can beat me. Then there are days like today...when, man, things just hit me and my emotions take over. I am sure it was the arrival of my period...that realization that again...another month...still no blessing (at least not that are apparent to me today). It is scary...and some days...so hard to deal with.

Moving here to LA was scary for me. We essentially moved here not knowing anyone-- except G's family-- and they are over an hour away. I was blessed ( in a very big way) with great neighbors. They have become my family-- literally everything to me here-- besides G and my furbabies! During my breakdown today I started IM'ing with my neighbor. I knew she would understand this breakdown. While she has never been pained with IF-- her faith is so strong- I knew she would know just what to say to bring me through. Sure enough... she knew exactly what to say... She sent me this...

As hard as i can imagine it would be, God does have a plan in store for all of us. But i also know that he wants to bless us immensely, to provide us our hopes, dreams and goals. Ironically enough, this came through from an email i get each day:

God’s plan for your life didn't go away just because you had some disappointments, setbacks, or because somebody treated you unfairly. God didn't write you off just because you made some poor decisions. No, He knew every mistake you’d ever make; He knew every person who would wrong you, and He still called you. He still designed a perfect plan for your life. No matter what’s happened in your past, God’s plan for your good remains. He still has a bright future in store for you. If you will get your hopes back and get your vision in line with God’s Word, then the rest of your life will be the best of your life! Keep standing, keep believing, and get a vision for your future because the Lord has an amazing future in store for you!

In that moment...those typed words...whew! They really meant alot to me and gave me the clarity I needed in that exact moment.

I have been blessed in ways I dont even recognize right now. Amazing!

Not quite trained...

So I thought I had my husband fully trained as to what was and was not okay to say to me. Yesterday...I learned not.

After church yesterday morning, we decided to go out for breakfast. Here is how part of our conversation went:

G: So I will have a new chief experience coming up. (G is a Chief in the N.avy and runs a recruiting station)

M: Oh, really? What?

G: A pregnant recruiter.

M: What? Who?

G: Who do you think? I only have one female recruiter.

M: Umm... she's pregnant???? (note: she's not married either)

G: Yeah, didnt want it. Total surprise.

M: :::hold back the tears:::

Can someone explain it to me? Anyone?? I get frustrated when people say total surprise. Like did they miss the lesson in school??? Sex + no protection= possible pregnancy. How can there be a surprise?? Seems like simple math to me. I wish that simple math worked for me and so many women I know-- WHO ACTUALLY WANT IT! Needless to say... the rest of breakfast was pretty quiet. :(

Yikes! March is here already!

Holy crap! Where did February go? I just looked to see the date of my last post--February 16th...almost 3 weeks ago. Man...I've got to get with the program! ha!!

Well, February surely was a blur! It was my first real month in my new position for work. If February is any indication of my level of business in this position-- 2009 will be over before I know it! So far things are going well.

I definitely like that I am busy, but I almost feel like it takes me away from the reality of my life a little. Like the busier I am...the less I think about babies. Which should be nearly impossible considering all the babies around me. I had the honor of visiting with my "ivf driving buddy" a couple weeks ago. Her twin girls were almost 2 weeks old and absolutely perfect! Teeny tiny perfect babies. Completely beautiful. I left her house sad, but peaceful. It was a very strange range of emotion. I was sad in the sense that I couldn't help but wish I had a newborn, but a peace knowing that her struggle had been far longer than mine and she did get her happy ending. Made me feel like I know my happy ending will come some day. Some days I question that, but in the moments after our visit... I felt like I knew one day I would know that happiness.

My sister made a visit the last week in February and it was so wonderful to have her here. I always love her visits. They usually don't consist of anything too exciting, but just having her here always makes me happy! I will continue to try to get her to move here, but I don't think I will ever be successful. :(

Last week work took me to Houston. The weather was beautiful and it gave me some serious thinking time. I can think at home, but my time spent on a plane really seems to give me that concentrated thinking time. With April drawing closer...the anniversary of this blog comes closer. I started this blog with the hope that it was going to transition from a infertility blog into a baby blog. Hard to imagine that almost a year has pasted and it is still an infertility blog. So sad.

Someday.

I am getting bad at this blogging thing...

I wish I had something to blog about! Well...actually...I could blog... but I wish I had something baby related to blog about-- I guess that is more accurate! I've got nothing. Actually...I will take that back too-- I have nothing personally baby related to blog about, but I can blog about my friends babies! They are everywhere...and I am so excited for them!

Way back when... when we did our IVF...you all probably remember me saying that I had made a friend that I could ride to the clinic with. I am not sure if I ever updated that she actually got pregnant from that IVF and just last week-- she welcomed her twin girls into the world! Amazing! I have another good friend who got pregnant the same week and she is due in just 3-4 short weeks! So crazy to think that had our IVF worked...I would be due right around now. I know it is probably not healthy to think like that...but it is my reality.

I think I have gotten to a point, while I am so sad for us, I am so happy for those around us. I think there was a period of time when the idea of being happy for others was too hard. The question "why not us?" was too real. I think it is kind of like moving through stages of grief. You eventually get to a point where you start to accept the situation you are in and know that you need to make the best of it. I still pray daily that Gary and I will be blessed, but I now have a better understanding that it might not happen.

I am also going to ask for some prayers in this post too. On one of the message boards I go to we did pair ups last year-- calling ourselves-- "trouble trying to conceive sisters". Well last July my "sister" got pregnant. Last week she had a placental abrupt ion and delivered her baby boy at 33 weeks. Both mom and baby are doing well... but Baby "Trip" is tiny-- 2lbs. 15oz. If you have a prayer to spare-- please say one for Kelly and Trip.

So...it's been a while

I feel like I have several posts with this title! I seem to go through ebs and flows of having things to write about.

Thing here have been busy. I officially started my new job role last Monday. This prompted a trip to Houston for training. I am really excited about the new position-- nervous, but excited! I feel like I am in a situation where I am terrified that I am getting in over my head. I was asked to take on this position-- I didn't really interview for it. So while I feel good that my company has confidence in me that I can handle the new job...I in a way feel like I have faked them out...like I am a good actress or something. Such a scary place to be! I am terrified of failing or not being able to handle it. Oh...and did I mention that this was a created position...I am the only one in it. So I feel like I am a trial and error case too. Anyway... so things have been busy. I have not unloaded my old responsibilities either...so my workload is pretty big right now! But I will make it through!

Gary is busy with work as well! Things in the recruiting world seem to be steady these days. I think this economy is really helping! In fact... Gary has been faced with issues they have never seen-- people are not getting out of the military...so recruiting is running out of jobs for the kids to pick from. It's so strange! At this point... it is like someone needs to get out in order for another to go in. So that has been a challenge!

On the baby front...things have been quiet. We are just coming around again to start thinking about what we might want to do next. I feel like I really needed all those months off of thinking about it. It has been a much needed break. Unfortunately we were not so lucky to get a break positive, but that's okay. At this point, we really don't know what direction we want to go. We have completely put it in God's hands and are going to let him lead the way.

I am hoping I can get back into the blogging on a more regular basis. Although it probably wont be baby related...I do really enjoy writing!

Good Message

I have gotten 2 good messages this week that I wanted to share. No real update on us... just things to think about and remember.

Quote:
'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.
'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.' Something good will happen to you today; something that you have been waiting to hear.

This video-- what a message!

Happy 2009!

It's a new year! Time to start fresh! I woke up this morning to crisp air and LOTS of sunshine! What better way to start new year? I cant think of one! Gary and I had a quiet night at home last night. We rang in the new year with some wine (Captain and coke for Gary), a couple of movies, a to die for dinner, a little snooze from 11:15-11:45 (hehe...I am old!) and a champagne toast and kiss at midnight! It was really really nice! Now that I am older I realize how wonderful it is to wake up on New Years Day without a hangover. Seems for years that was the goal...how smashed can you get and how awful can you feel on day 1 of the next year. Those days are long gone and I love it!

As for the annual new years resolution... I have given this some thought. Seems every year...I make a resolution and within a few days I break it. Not a good way to start a new year. So this year... I have decided to make one resolution...one resolution that will play out how ever it needs to for me--but doesn't have a HUGE guilt tag associated with it if I end up not being perfect. My resolution---- To stop allowing our fertility challenges and my traveling for work to be an excuse to not take care of myself. Seems for the past year I have been using our fertility challenges and my inconsistent schedule as an excuse to not exercise, be unhealthy and eat less than optimal. I am done with that. 2009 is my year to focus on myself and my health. I will have my ups and I will have my downs...but that is okay.

I am worried a little about 2009-- I will be honest. I have this immense fear that an entire year will go by again and we still will be without child. I pray (daily) that this isn't the case. I pray that God blesses Gary and I with a baby in 2009. I pray that our timeline and God's timeline falls in line. For all those that pray for us...thank you! I wish everyone a happy, healthy 2009! Let this be a WONDERFUL year!

Merry Christmas

I know I am a few days late, but with the traveling and all...not easy to update the blog.

Ahh...the joys of coming home after being away. Gary and I had a WONDERFUL trip to CT. For me... just the idea of 5 days of spending time with my family, relaxing and visiting-- makes me so happy! I was really looking forward to Christmas Eve-- that is our big family get together! It definately did not disappoint! Yummy food, yummy drinks and LOTS of laughs!

Me and my Memere

Gary and I in front of the tree

Hanging out with the cousins

Family photo opportunity

Christmas day for us-- nice and quiet! Over the years our Christmas day has evolved into a relax at home day. We used to do the big family thing on Christmas day too, but since my cousin's and I have grown older and gotten married and had kids... our parents have opted for hanging home together as a family.

Our standard Christmas morning photo

This Christmas my mother and I decided to go see a movie... the boys... they stayed home. We went and saw Mar.ley and M.e. Wow. That is all I will say. Good movie. VERY sad. Cried a ton. If you have a dog and you cant imagine your life without him (like me)... be very careful. I was a sobbing mess. My mother was a sobbing mess and she is not even a fan of dogs. Nuff said!

Then we headed home and hit the bottle. Hehehe...that sounds bad but seriously...check it out! This bottle of wine was given to Gary and I in 2002 when we got engaged. The family I used to nanny for gave it to us. Needless to say...this isnt exactly a bottle of wine that you just open on a Friday night. We *thought* it was a bottle we could milk on for a few days... umm...yeah... try 1. Ha! We 4 wine drinkers in the house... the bottle went down nicely! :)

Other than that... our visit was quiet! On Friday, Gary and I hit the casino for some afternoon gambling-- we lost. :( I got to do some shopping with my mom on Saturday... love it! Gary and I spent Saturday night hanging out with my cousin, her hubby and my sister watching the UFC fight. It was a great time!

Despite a delay leaving Newar.k yesterday... we were happy to get home last night!

Oh it has been a while!

So, it has been a while since I last post-- almost 3 weeks to be exact! The whirlwind of the holidays has really sucked me in and I have completely lost all sense of time! Hard to believe today we are half way through December already! That means in 16 days- 2008 will be over! Wow! Seriously-- where has this year gone?

News on the baby front... not much to report. Gary and I are now praying that 2009 will be our year. It really is scary going into another year unsure if it is "the" year. I am terrified to think

about the idea that 1 year from now...I could be sitting at my computer...reflecting back on my year and saying the words..."Gary and I are hoping 2010 is our year." I pray to God that is not the case. While I know 2009 will be busy and we will have a lot going on our desire to have a baby is stronger than ever! Being parents is our #1 priority and goal. I have recently been promoted at work and I am excited about it, and I know all too well that you need to live life for today, I cant help but wonder how my promotion will affect our efforts to have a baby. I will likely have to do more traveling and hopefully I can manage that schedule with any Dr. appts. we might have. I guess if there is one thing I have learned this year-- it is amazing what can happen in a year!

I am anxiously awaiting the holidays! I am so excited for Christmas this year-- it is almost ridiculous! Gary and I are traveling to CT for the holidays! We haven't been with my family for Christmas since 2004! That seems SO long ago! It was! 2005 and 2006 Gary and I spent Christmas alone in Washingt.on trying to make our own holiday traditions. I think in 2005 that equated to having a couple of the single sail.ors on Gary's boat over and for dinner- having turkey and ribs! ha! 2006 was really quiet...we made dinner and watched the movie The Fam.ily Sto.ne (LOVE that movie-cry ever time!). Last year, of course we spent Christmas with Gary's family. It was the first time I ever spent Christmas with them and I think for Gary-- it had been 8 or so years! It was nice. Watching our nieces open their presents was the highlight. This year though... YAY!! we will be with my family! Christmas eve is our big get together and I love every minute. I think Christmas day will be quiet! Just the way I like it!!

Oh... I was just about to sign off, but I have the TV on and on the To.day Show they are giving an update on the Cayl.ee An.thony case-- makes me sick. How could someone do something so horrific? There is NO doubt in my mind her mother had something to do with it. So I pose the question-- Why can a monster have a baby and we cant? Just awful. My thoughts and prayers are with those that actually loved and tried to protect that little girl.

That is all for now... If I don't post again before next week--
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!

When it rains- it pours...

Found out today (yes-- all today) that 3 (count them 1, 2, 3!) friends are expecting. Very excited for them...very sad for us.

Pouring myself a BIG ol' glass of wine! Pity party for 1 please!

Giving Thanks...

I know I haven't blogged in a while...I have been crazy busy with work and quite honestly haven't had much to write about. Our vacation seems like a lifetime ago! I had 2 back to back weeks of traveling for work and thankfully this is a short holiday week!

Hard to believe it is Thanksgiving already! This year has gone by faster than I can even think about. I had lunch yesterday with my IVF "carpool buddy" (who I now call my friend) and we were talking about how she is 6 months along already! 6 months! Honestly, it seems like last month I was making the 1.5 hour trek to the Dr.

Although my tone in much of this blog has not been one of thanksgiving...I am extremely thankful for the year I have had! This has been my year of learning and growing. I have learned so much about myself and about the strength of my relationship with my husband, family and friends. I am beyond thankful that I have the support system that I have! I have learned about myself and what I can and can not handle-- these lessons have been invaluable!

We are staying close to home this year for the holiday-- hosting Gary's entire family! I am excited and nervous-- 11 people will be sitting down at the same time to eat! YIKES! Thankfully I will not be stressing over a turkey-- Granny is bringing that! Phew! To me-- making the side dishes is easy and actually something I quite enjoy-- so I am looking forward to it! I will make one dessert today (pumpkin cheesecake) and the other tomorrow (pecan pie)-- so it will be good to have those out of the way!

I wish you all a happy and safe Thanksgiving!

Seriously????

The pregnant man is pregnant again...

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=6244878&page=1

Seriously? :(

Ahh...Mexico!!

Wow! What a wonderful week!! Having waited for this trip for months, I had very high expectations. I wanted to relax, relax and do more relaxing. Safe to say... my expectations were met.

The week leading up to our vacation was anything but relaxing. The Navy through us a curve ball and changed the date of Gary's audit at the last minute. This caused me to have to spend an hour on the phone with the airline trying to figure out how to change Gary's ticket. It was a mess. Thankfully Gary was able to come...2 days late...but he made it! We had a wonderful time. We got to spend some quality time with good friends, relax our butts off, enjoy the sun and warm weather and see some of the sites of Mexico. It was a perfect vacation!

Here are some picutres~~~

Horrible Kitty Mommy!

In my post below-- I failed to mention that in the 5 years since we married we also adopted our cat Tupper. What a horrible kitty mommy I am. For that...Tupper gets his own post!

Yes, he is a little over weight, but the camera adds 10lbs. ;)

Long Awaited Vacation

Well, the vacation we have been waiting for since February is finally here! I leave for Mex.ico tomorrow and Gary will meet me there on Wednesday. We didn't plan to travel separately but the N.avy had a different plan. Gary has an recruiting station audit first thing on Wednesday morning...then he will fly to Mexic.o in the afternoon. He should be at our resort by 11pm on Wednesday night--hopefully. Preparation for this audit has been extremely stressful for Gary and having it interrupt his long awaited vacation didn't help! I know he will be ready to relax by the time he gets there.
This vacation is to celebrate our 5 year anniversary! Hard for me to believe that in just 5 days shy of 5 years-- we got married! Time has flown by. In the past 5 years we've:

~Moved 4 times-- 2 being cross country.
~We adopted our furbaby Tanner.
~We bought our first home.
~We each bought new vehicles- twice.
~Had 2 failed intrauterine insemination's.
~Had 1 failed in vitro.

All in all we have had a great 5 years--more positives than negatives!! Of course adding a baby to the pictures is our ultimate goal, but looking back-- there is nothing I can complain about of our first 5 years of marriage! I am a very lucky woman!!

National Infertility Awareness Week

Happy Monday! Yesterday marked the start of the 19th Annual National Infertility Awareness Week. Since infertility affects 7.3 million Americans (1 in 6 couples--and we happen to be part of that statistic) I thought I would write a post to mark this week.

We have been so fortunate in our journey and have had the most supportive friends and family. How they knew how to be supportive-- I have no idea how, they just knew! I know many out there are not so lucky!! Many out there have to deal with the myriad of questions-- invasive and sometimes ignorant. Resolve.org is an organization dedicated to infertility. For me-- it has been a great resource!

I came across this site last night and it touched me deeply. Whoever created it-- surely felt the pain and heartache that infertility can bring. I wanted to share with you all b/c I thought it was beautiful.

Empty Arms Video

Thank you to all our friends and family that have supported us-we couldn't/ can't make it through this journey without you!