Moments of Doubt and Worry

So the morning has been pretty rough. Through this entire process I have tried really really hard to keep a positive attitude. Today, I am really struggling with staying positive.
While I know it is still early, I am 8 days past my transfer and I tested negative this morning.

Broke my heart.

Again, I know it is still early, but when you read as much as I do on the Internet, you learn things that can cause doubt. It seems most see a + around day 7 or 8. I have read a few people say they didn't get their + until day 9, 10 or 11, but most seem to be earlier than that.

When I get into a situation like this-- where I have put so much of my heart and soul into something-- it takes everything of me emotionally. I cried for hours this morning. Pulled it together long enough to go to church. Came home, Gary was awake, sobbed again for a good half hour. I am just terrified we have put all we have into this and we are going to be disappointed. I know-- not a positive outlook, but I am tired. Being positive is hard sometimes and I am exhausted.

I think the hardest part of this morning was that I had a dream this morning. I dreamt I took a test and it was positive. So I took another test and that one was positive too. And then I took a digital and that test was positive too. When I woke up-- I thought it was real and I was pregnant. Then I realized it was a dream and I still had to get up and pee and test. So I did. My test wasn't positive. Almost like having your dreams crushed.

I have not given up all hope yet-- I am still praying tomorrow I wake up, test and see those beautiful pink lines appear. I am also praying that my friend/carpool buddy has the miracle of seeing those beautiful pink lines too (maybe she already has???? :) )!!

Daily Play by Play

I thought this was very interesting-- I picked it up from Wendy's blog.

Here is what is happening daily with a 3 day transfer:

• 1dpt ..Embryo is growing and developing
• 2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
• 3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
• 4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
• 5dpt.. Implantation begins, as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
• 6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
• 7dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
• 8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
• 9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
• 10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
• 11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

Notes: dpt= days past transfer

Blastocyst=an embryo which has developed to the point of having 2 different cell components and a fluid cavity

A constant test

This entire process seems like a constant test. Being tested to see how much we can handle. We are tested emotional, physically, financially and spiritually. Some tests are easier than others. Some tests once complete are like a victory. Some test are so challenging we want to give up. Some tests rock us to the core.

This entire process has been the biggest challenge of my life! Everyday I am amazed that I have been able to get through it-- and kept my sanity (which Gary may argue with!). Gary has been my rock through this- my voice of reason! Without him- this experience would not have been as "easy".

These are some of the thoughts I have pondered on over the past couple days. Laying around not being able to do much gives much time for reflection. Uugghh... bed rest alone has been a test! One that I am happy to say is over!

Next test... stay patient and wait out the next couple weeks until my blood test. This may the most difficult of all!

And now our babies bake...

We had our 3 day transfer today. I was extremely nervous when the call came at 9:15 this morning. My nerves have certainly been getting the best of me. I was wide awake at 3am...watching a cheesy Lindsey Lohan movie- "Just My Luck". If you haven't seen it... unless you need something to put you back to sleep at 3am...I don't really recommend it. Put me back to sleep for a couple hours, but not for long...I was walking into Walmart this morning at 7am. I figured if I was going to be a nervous wreck- I might as well get my grocery shopping done while Walmart was empty. Actually I wanted to buy Pomegranate juice and Walmart has the best prices so that was really my motivation to go to Walmart so early.

So anyway... about our embies! First embryo's are graded at our clinic on a scale of 1-5-- 1 being the best. The embryos are graded based on how fast they are splitting, how their cell shape looks and how many cells they have. At this point-- 3 days past retrieval-- we want the embryos to be 8 cells-- that means they are splitting on track. So the Dr. told us we had one 8-cell Grade 1 embryo, one 8-cell Grade 2, one 7-cell Grade 2, and a few 6-cell Grade 3's. We were thrilled to hear that we had at least one perfect Grade 1 and an above average Grade 2. Huge sigh of relief! The Dr. told us that the grade 3's seemed to be fragmenting negatively--so that is why they had us come in for the 3 day transfer.

The actual procedure took about 20 minutes or so. Slightly uncomfortable but nothing too bad. The Valium I popped prior to going in probably helped with that! Thankfully Gary was allowed to be in the room with me and held my hand the whole time.

So now we sit and wait and hope our babies get cozy! 48 hours of bed rest will hopefully help with that! Gary is fully ready to wait on me hand and foot!! Yay! I have my stock pile of magazines and the remote close by!

10 still going strong...

Got our call from the nurse this afternoon. She said we still had 10 embryos--thank God! She did say the Dr. sounded like he was leaning towards a 3 day transfer--- so tomorrow will likely be our day! We should expect to get a call around 9 or so and we will head over.
Positive thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated for our babies!! I consider myself and Gary parents already and in 9 months we will be welcoming our baby (or babies) into the world!
I will keep you posted after our transfer...

Fertilized Report is in!!!

So just got off the phone with the nurse...
Of our 21 eggs, 15 were mature and of those 15, 10 fertilized!! I am so happy! But I am fully aware that we are not out of the dark yet and there is always a chance that some of those 10 can drop off.

Please pray that our embies stay strong and keep on growing!!!

If all goes well-- we will have our transfer either on Saturday or on Monday...but I wont know until Saturday morning.

I will keep you all posted!

Blackjack!!!

Well, just got back from the egg retrieval a little bit ago! Overall I feel pretty good---slept most of the way home because I was feeling a little queasy.

So...reason my entry is titled blackjack??? We got 21! 21 eggs!!! YAY! I am beyond thrilled!! Of course we know not all will be mature and even less will actually fertilized, but having 21 to start greatly increases our odds! We are really excited!

So I am going to lay low for the rest of the night since I am still pretty achy and I will post our fertilized report when I get the call tomorrow!

Thank you all for you thoughts, prayers and well wishes! They mean a lot to me!

Triggering Tonight!!!

This makes it all seem real. Time has flown by so fast and I honestly cant believe we are at this point already! I am beyond excited...but scared and nervous at the same time!

Wednesday will be our day!

***Edit- Since a lot of have asked-- I figured I would clarify here-- when I say "triggering" what I was refering to was a shot that triggers my ovaries to release my eggs. :) I worked!!! See my post above! ;)

This WEEK!!!

Oh.my.gosh!!! Can I just tell you... time has flown by! It is so hard to believe that almost 10 weeks ago... I posted my first entry. Now here we are! Unreal and SO exciting!!! I am feeling extremely positive and hopeful that this week is it-- the week I get knocked up! (I know not the most appropriate term, but sounds funny when I say it to Gary!!)

I wanted to show you all a picture of my good luck cake to Gary. I have been taking a cake decorating class for the past 3 weeks and so we are pretty "caked out". Since I started the class I have been making white cakes since that is what the teacher had suggested--for frosting ease. Well, Gary likes chocolate-- so yesterday afternoon-- I decide to change it up a bit and make him a chocolate cake. Then I decided to be corny...

Get it? Took Gary a second... ha!!

Yay! 3 more!!

Went for a check up today-- turn out good! I now have 12 follies-- measuring between 15 and 9--so the Dr. thinks I am in good shape! I will go back on Monday for another check up...hopefully these follies keep growing and maturing!!

I am starting to bruise up pretty bad from the injections. Not fun or attractive to look at... poor Gary! Thankfully after (hopefully) Monday when I trigger I will be done with these injections! I will have to start progesterone in oil injections (PIO)...but that is just 1 and in my bum. I have heard not so good things about the PIO--long needles, hurt, leave bruises, etc... so I am not out of pain quite yet! Of course, I am sure this is nothing compared to labor...so I am just prepping myself-- right??? :)