Long weekends are for yard work...

Well... at least one day should be spent doing yard work. Thankfully for me...that day was yesterday!

We spent Saturday riping bushes up in front of the house. The house was landscaped when we bought it but over the past year-- the bushes have just started to look unkept-- no matter how much we prune and groom. So we decided that a weekend project would be to rip out the bushes and replace with a cleaner landscape.

When we bought the house- here is what the landscaping looked like:

You can see--there were LOTS of bushes-- small boxwood bushes. Which by themselves are not bad-- but when you literally have 30 of them. Blech! I was tired of them.

Last fall-- we pulled up all the bushes on the left side of the walkway. We replaced those with new mulch and some low elephant grass. Yesterday- we pulled up the boxwoods and other bushes on the right of the walkway against the garage.

Here is how it looks today:

Now that I post these picture-- I realize we have more work to do! Guess it will be off to Lowe's later!! Fun times being a homeowner!!

My thoughts exactly...

I hate to be a downer... and I hope you all have your tissues ready. This song...sums up all my feelings. I apologize now for only being able to post a link-- I haven't yet figured out how to post a video (anyone want to tell me how??? :) ) Mom...don't be mad... it might be a tear jerker. Below are the words to the song-- could Kelly Coffey have nailed it on the head any better?

I Would Die For That

"I Would Die For That"

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

Operation "Surprise Parents"- Complete!

In just 1 week my parents will celebrate their 35th wedding anniversary! Not only is this accomplishment a remarkable one, but it is also some what of an inspiration. I truly feel that my parents have "the marriage" that everyone wants. They are lovey, they tiff, they tease, they are a unit, they are independent, they are an example! They are not perfect-- but who is? Whose relationship is? No ones... but in terms of a perfect example of how to survive year after year with another-- they do a great job!

Anyway... so in 1 week they will celebrate 35 years together. I wanted to mark this occasion! Gary and I decided that we would fly to CT and surprise them! I also wanted to have a BBQ to celebrate. My sister and I recruited the help of my whole family (6 aunts, 7 uncles and a bunch of cousins) to help execute this "surprise." Well... it was a success!! Gary and I flew up to CT on Thursday and our plan was for my sister to lure them to a restaurant where we would surprise them. Well...my mom... wasn't playing along. She insisted that she didn't want to go out to dinner. Boo... there goes that idea. So then my sister thought it would be good just to show up at their house. Okay...that could work. We got there-- my dad wasn't home yet--boo #2. So we shocked my mom. Hehehe... she had no idea! The look on her face-- priceless. She was shocked! Then my dad came home-- he was shocked too! So much so-- that my sister said she was worried--he turned really pale. Poor guy--we werent looking to give him a heart attack!!

We had the big BBQ for them on Saturday- we had a great time!! The weather was perfect and it was so nice to spend a day with my family and just relax. Well...I say relax...I wasn't really relaxed-- feeding and organizing a party for 40 is no easy feat! I had lots of help though!!

Here are some pictures from the day...

The Family

The "girls"--my sister and 4 cousins

Party in full swing

Nothing like a little competative bean bag toss

Cheers!

Yay!! Party success!!

Ugh...Life's not fair

I hate that statement- "Life's Not Fair" but seriously-- it's not. Two things today have struck me as really being "not fair".

As I have said before- I belong to a message board that specifically focuses on Trouble Trying to Conceive. This week has seemed to be really really bad. A lot of women testing negative and it is heartbreaking. I have somewhat distanced myself from reading the board for a couple of reasons. The posts about positives-- while exciting-- were making me sadder and sadder for me and Gary. The posts about negatives-- constant reminders of that raw emotion I felt after the failed IVF. It sucks! While I am excited and overjoyed for those that have "graduated" to the Success after Infertility board---I almost feel left behind. I long for my graduation and all emotions that come with that!

Just the simple point that some of us who want to be mommies so badly have to wait years for those moments-- not fair! The idea that we have to experience bad, sad, angry and bitter feelings about anything to do with getting pregnant (an occasion that should only be happy and exciting)--not fair!

My other "not fair" moment- I went to the vet today to pick up Tanner's heart worm medicine. As I am in the waiting room-- a dad comes in with his 2 kids who had clearly been crying. I thought maybe their pet was in the hospital and passed away. Then I noticed that the dad was carrying the pet. I think it was a puppy- i heard him say "7 weeks old". The kids were sobbing. Heartbroken. I literally teared up. Family pets dying--not fair!

Some days just seem so negative. Hard to find a ton of things to be happy and excited about. I know eventually it will change...but some days the "not fair's" just seem to be so in your face!

Alls Quiet Here...

Not much to report here-- hence the lack of posts.

Things have been relatively quiet! Gary and I had a good weekend catching up. We hadn't really had more than 1 day to ourselves in over 2 weeks, so it was nice to just hang out together and talk.

In our quest to find our "religious" fit here-- aka--a church we want to go to-- we made it back to the same church 2 weeks in a row. Anyone that knows me-- knows I grew up going to church--every Sunday--even through college (well, almost every Sunday). Once Gary and I got married-- because we chose to do it outside the catholic church and *gasp* I married someone who was divorced without an annulment-- I was no longer "allowed" to receive Communion in the catholic church-- so I basically lost my desire to practice my faith there. Yes, I have gone to catholic church several times since... each time... I remain seated during communion-- allowing myself to stick out like a sore thumb. Annoying. So since moving to LA I have visited several churches- different religions-- trying to find one where I feel like I fit in. Now Gary on the other hand-- not a big church go'er. Picture me begging on Christmas and Easter for him to go with me--so I don't have to go by myself. Anyway- a few weeks ago I mentioned I thought I wanted to try the Episcopal church here in town and wondered if he would go with me. He needed a couple weeks processing time, but committed to go with me. I was thrilled. We went-- it was nice-- very similar to catholic mass which makes me comfortable. We got a warm welcome from the pastor's wife and the pastor himself on our way out. I think they were being nice... or they were hoping to slip in the words "Jean's are not appropriate church attire!" Yup-- we wore jeans. I have been to the catholic church here a couple times-- seen people in jeans-- so I assumed jeans would be okay at this church too. Umm...yeah...no! I was wrong! We were the only 2 in jeans-- in the entire church. We sat in the second to last row-- watched every single person walk in- I am not exaggerating! How embarassing!

This past weekend...we decided to go again. We even went to buy Gary new "church" clothes. Ha! Who knows what is happening to us down here-- we may have found our fit!

Other than that... we are plugging along. We havent made any decisions on what our next step will be on the baby front. It has been a nice mental break to not be so focused on it. I still think about it daily, but it is not consuming my every thought-- like it was before. Eventually we will know what the "right" next step will be...but for now... no clue!

My desire to be a mommy

I will preface this post by saying that it is Friday night-- I have had a glass (or 2 (: ) of wine and Gary is not home-- so my feelings are magnified...

I was just on My.space and I was looking at a picture that my my cousin had tagged of me holding her daughter.

I am gazing at her daughter-- this was taken late last summer/ early fall. I think at that point-- I had put so much hope in the "it will just happen" theory and I was really hopeful that by this baby's 1st birthday I would be far along in my own pregnancy. Now here we are-- not only did it "not just happen" but we used major medical intervention and it still didn't "happen."

I have been fairly passive in my last few posts about how strong my desire for a baby still is. Partly my way of coping and partly my way of trying to fake you all out in thinking that I am okay. I still hurt, Gary still hurts, we still hurt as a couple who together want to have our own baby.

I don't know how or when I will get past all of this. I try to keep occupied-- try to keep my mind busy so I don't focus on how the IVF didn't work--but when all is said and done-- I still so incredibly sad. All I want is that feeling-- that feeling of love, of need, of completeness (is that even a word?).

I know we still have your thoughts and prayers and I thank you everyday for them-- I would not make it through without!

Slowly digging out...

Vacations are wonderful... but dealing with the load of work you have to face when you get back... is not!

I had a great visit with my sister and cousin- I was so sad to say good bye to them. It was just nice to hang around and visit, eat too much, drink too much, have uncontrollable laughs and of course catch up on some sleep! I always hate saying good bye to visiting family...I just never know when our next visitors will be!

The boys are still getting along great! I am so thrilled that they are co-existing happily!

Gary is away this week for work- New Orleans of all places! Sad that he is gone, but kinda nice to have a completely quiet house to myself! I worked an extremely long day yesterday, did some cleaning, made dinner and was in bed at 9pm! Some would say that is lame...but not me!

So I have a bit of a dilemma... my last "therapy" appt- which was anything but therapeutic- I schedule a next appointment. I felt bad. I couldn't look this lady in the face and tell her I couldn't have her as my therapist b/c she just so happens to be 8 months prego. Well...my next appt. is today/ was today. She called this morning to remind me-- I didn't answer. She called back a couple hours later-- I didn't answer. I was wanting to try to call her and pray that I just got her voicemail. No such luck... I called... she answered. I am such a chicken... I rescheduled for Thursday. Uugghhh... I need to get out of this...I feel bad- like I am going to hurt her feelings or something. Sucks!

Oh and like rubbing salt in a wound-- we got our invoice from the fertility clinic for the ICSI procedure they did during the egg retrieval. Umm...yeah... A LOT of $$$...for nothing. It's gonna suck to write that check. You think they would be sympathetic to the fact that we have already paid a ton of money and have NOTHING to show for it. Couldn't they give a discount or something. Again...SUCKS!

My memory

So I wanted to do something to mark this time in our lives. I wanted a way to always remember all that Gary and I had gone through-- not that I could have easily forgotten. I decided to get a tattoo. Never really thought that I could go through with it...but yesterday I did!

My tattoo was thoroughly thought out. Two branches of cherry blossoms. One branch has 7 flowers with each flower having 5 petals. This totals 35 petals and that is Gary's age. The other branch has 6 flowers with each flower having 5 petals. This totals 30 petals and that is my age. Then we added butterflies to represent our embryo's.

Cherry blossoms represent spiritual beauty. I truly feel like my spirit has had to go through a transformation in this process so I thought they were a great symbol. The butterflies- small and beautiful- just as my embryo's once were.

Just like the entire IVF process-- it was painful!

Dogs, Cats and Hurricanes

So I have a couple fun things to post about today!

First- my sister and cousin made it to the deep south without incident...well, sort of! At midnight on Thursday my sister and cousin began their trek to LA. Remember a couple posts back I told you they were moving my cat, Tupper? Well it was an adventure for them. They were flying out of Newa.rk which is 2 hours from where they were starting. So they started with a small road trip. Tupper was not much fond of the carrier...so he rode to NJ in the lap. Ha! He literally worked himself out of the zipped up cat carrier and made his way to the front seats. He fought the carrier the entire trip. But made it to LA safe and sound.

Next was the adventure of introducing Tupper and Tanner. I was stressing about this. I had no idea how either was going to react! Gary didn't really believe in a slow introduction. The photo montage shows how it went:

Needles to say...they are like best buds now! Went FAR better than I could have ever imagined. Don't be fooled-- there was hissing from Tupper and whimpering from Tanner but that soon passed.

Second- the girl's adventure to N.ew Orlean.s. We had a great time!! That is the Hurricane part of my title. Although we never did have the famous Ne.w Orl.ean's drink... we had many in place of it!

We made the 4.5 trip down to N.ew Orlea.ns on Sunday. On our agenda when we got there-- lunch and then a walking "cocktail" tour of the Fr.ench Qua.rter. We had a great lunch at the only microbrew in the Frenc.h Quart.er- Cresen.t Cit.y Brew.HouseThe Cocktail tour of the Quar.ter was really interesting. We got to visit 5 bars and learn the colorful history behind each one and their speciality drinks. Definitely tried somethings I never would have.

Some pictures of our night out...

Do we look like tourists???

In a Pirates bar--trying a "Green Fairy" made with absinthe
Enjoying Bou.rbon St

We had a great time... great drinks and many laughs... all without hangover!! :)

Well that sucked!

So I thought seeing a therapist to talk through this roller coaster of emotions I was on would be a good idea. I have been warned by others that it is important to seek the help of a therapist who knows how to deal with infertility. Many people think they are being helpful but often times can say things that are hurtful--even when they have the best of intentions.

So I received the name of a therapist from my Dr., but she was over an hour and a half away. So I figured I would give a therapist in my town a try. Called her up, she sounded nice, scheduled the appointment, she didn't ask many questions, I didn't really think much of it.

The appointment was today. Gary came with me. We got there a bit early...sat in the waiting area...heard the clack, clack, clack of her shoes across the hardwood floor...turned around... and was eye level with an 8 month belly. Shit! Yup... the therapist that I thought would solve all my problems... 8 months pregnant! Needless to say... the appointment was not very helpful. She was very nice but I couldn't let out what I really wanted to let out and it was kind of awkward all around.

Guess I will be hauling it to a new therapist...this is what I get for trying to save gas and money.