Last ditch effort...

for our 2009 baby. I believe I will be ovulating this week. If I ovulate on time (cycle day 14) then my due date would be December 25th. How wonderful of a Christmas blessing would it be to get pregnant this month? Beyond words. Do I have great hope that it can happen?? Honestly... no, but I do believe in the power of prayer...so help us out! Please send us a prayer or two this week. Thank you!!!

I also want to say thank you to all who still check in on us regularly. I know my posts have gotten few and far between, but it is nice to know that there are some out there still following along. I hope one day to have a wonderful announcement for you all! :)

Oh... and check out our new baby on the right. Well, she really isn't new, but I just put her picture up over the weekend. In January we added to our furry family. Her name is Girly...and that she is! She prances around a lot and thinks she is just queen bee!

The Moments Hit Hard Sometimes

There are days-- I think I am invincible...nothing can beat me. Then there are days like today...when, man, things just hit me and my emotions take over. I am sure it was the arrival of my period...that realization that again...another month...still no blessing (at least not that are apparent to me today). It is scary...and some days...so hard to deal with.

Moving here to LA was scary for me. We essentially moved here not knowing anyone-- except G's family-- and they are over an hour away. I was blessed ( in a very big way) with great neighbors. They have become my family-- literally everything to me here-- besides G and my furbabies! During my breakdown today I started IM'ing with my neighbor. I knew she would understand this breakdown. While she has never been pained with IF-- her faith is so strong- I knew she would know just what to say to bring me through. Sure enough... she knew exactly what to say... She sent me this...

As hard as i can imagine it would be, God does have a plan in store for all of us. But i also know that he wants to bless us immensely, to provide us our hopes, dreams and goals. Ironically enough, this came through from an email i get each day:

God’s plan for your life didn't go away just because you had some disappointments, setbacks, or because somebody treated you unfairly. God didn't write you off just because you made some poor decisions. No, He knew every mistake you’d ever make; He knew every person who would wrong you, and He still called you. He still designed a perfect plan for your life. No matter what’s happened in your past, God’s plan for your good remains. He still has a bright future in store for you. If you will get your hopes back and get your vision in line with God’s Word, then the rest of your life will be the best of your life! Keep standing, keep believing, and get a vision for your future because the Lord has an amazing future in store for you!

In that moment...those typed words...whew! They really meant alot to me and gave me the clarity I needed in that exact moment.

I have been blessed in ways I dont even recognize right now. Amazing!

Not quite trained...

So I thought I had my husband fully trained as to what was and was not okay to say to me. Yesterday...I learned not.

After church yesterday morning, we decided to go out for breakfast. Here is how part of our conversation went:

G: So I will have a new chief experience coming up. (G is a Chief in the N.avy and runs a recruiting station)

M: Oh, really? What?

G: A pregnant recruiter.

M: What? Who?

G: Who do you think? I only have one female recruiter.

M: Umm... she's pregnant???? (note: she's not married either)

G: Yeah, didnt want it. Total surprise.

M: :::hold back the tears:::

Can someone explain it to me? Anyone?? I get frustrated when people say total surprise. Like did they miss the lesson in school??? Sex + no protection= possible pregnancy. How can there be a surprise?? Seems like simple math to me. I wish that simple math worked for me and so many women I know-- WHO ACTUALLY WANT IT! Needless to say... the rest of breakfast was pretty quiet. :(

Yikes! March is here already!

Holy crap! Where did February go? I just looked to see the date of my last post--February 16th...almost 3 weeks ago. Man...I've got to get with the program! ha!!

Well, February surely was a blur! It was my first real month in my new position for work. If February is any indication of my level of business in this position-- 2009 will be over before I know it! So far things are going well.

I definitely like that I am busy, but I almost feel like it takes me away from the reality of my life a little. Like the busier I am...the less I think about babies. Which should be nearly impossible considering all the babies around me. I had the honor of visiting with my "ivf driving buddy" a couple weeks ago. Her twin girls were almost 2 weeks old and absolutely perfect! Teeny tiny perfect babies. Completely beautiful. I left her house sad, but peaceful. It was a very strange range of emotion. I was sad in the sense that I couldn't help but wish I had a newborn, but a peace knowing that her struggle had been far longer than mine and she did get her happy ending. Made me feel like I know my happy ending will come some day. Some days I question that, but in the moments after our visit... I felt like I knew one day I would know that happiness.

My sister made a visit the last week in February and it was so wonderful to have her here. I always love her visits. They usually don't consist of anything too exciting, but just having her here always makes me happy! I will continue to try to get her to move here, but I don't think I will ever be successful. :(

Last week work took me to Houston. The weather was beautiful and it gave me some serious thinking time. I can think at home, but my time spent on a plane really seems to give me that concentrated thinking time. With April drawing closer...the anniversary of this blog comes closer. I started this blog with the hope that it was going to transition from a infertility blog into a baby blog. Hard to imagine that almost a year has pasted and it is still an infertility blog. So sad.

Someday.

I am getting bad at this blogging thing...

I wish I had something to blog about! Well...actually...I could blog... but I wish I had something baby related to blog about-- I guess that is more accurate! I've got nothing. Actually...I will take that back too-- I have nothing personally baby related to blog about, but I can blog about my friends babies! They are everywhere...and I am so excited for them!

Way back when... when we did our IVF...you all probably remember me saying that I had made a friend that I could ride to the clinic with. I am not sure if I ever updated that she actually got pregnant from that IVF and just last week-- she welcomed her twin girls into the world! Amazing! I have another good friend who got pregnant the same week and she is due in just 3-4 short weeks! So crazy to think that had our IVF worked...I would be due right around now. I know it is probably not healthy to think like that...but it is my reality.

I think I have gotten to a point, while I am so sad for us, I am so happy for those around us. I think there was a period of time when the idea of being happy for others was too hard. The question "why not us?" was too real. I think it is kind of like moving through stages of grief. You eventually get to a point where you start to accept the situation you are in and know that you need to make the best of it. I still pray daily that Gary and I will be blessed, but I now have a better understanding that it might not happen.

I am also going to ask for some prayers in this post too. On one of the message boards I go to we did pair ups last year-- calling ourselves-- "trouble trying to conceive sisters". Well last July my "sister" got pregnant. Last week she had a placental abrupt ion and delivered her baby boy at 33 weeks. Both mom and baby are doing well... but Baby "Trip" is tiny-- 2lbs. 15oz. If you have a prayer to spare-- please say one for Kelly and Trip.

So...it's been a while

I feel like I have several posts with this title! I seem to go through ebs and flows of having things to write about.

Thing here have been busy. I officially started my new job role last Monday. This prompted a trip to Houston for training. I am really excited about the new position-- nervous, but excited! I feel like I am in a situation where I am terrified that I am getting in over my head. I was asked to take on this position-- I didn't really interview for it. So while I feel good that my company has confidence in me that I can handle the new job...I in a way feel like I have faked them out...like I am a good actress or something. Such a scary place to be! I am terrified of failing or not being able to handle it. Oh...and did I mention that this was a created position...I am the only one in it. So I feel like I am a trial and error case too. Anyway... so things have been busy. I have not unloaded my old responsibilities either...so my workload is pretty big right now! But I will make it through!

Gary is busy with work as well! Things in the recruiting world seem to be steady these days. I think this economy is really helping! In fact... Gary has been faced with issues they have never seen-- people are not getting out of the military...so recruiting is running out of jobs for the kids to pick from. It's so strange! At this point... it is like someone needs to get out in order for another to go in. So that has been a challenge!

On the baby front...things have been quiet. We are just coming around again to start thinking about what we might want to do next. I feel like I really needed all those months off of thinking about it. It has been a much needed break. Unfortunately we were not so lucky to get a break positive, but that's okay. At this point, we really don't know what direction we want to go. We have completely put it in God's hands and are going to let him lead the way.

I am hoping I can get back into the blogging on a more regular basis. Although it probably wont be baby related...I do really enjoy writing!

Good Message

I have gotten 2 good messages this week that I wanted to share. No real update on us... just things to think about and remember.

Quote:
'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.
'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.' Something good will happen to you today; something that you have been waiting to hear.

This video-- what a message!

Happy 2009!

It's a new year! Time to start fresh! I woke up this morning to crisp air and LOTS of sunshine! What better way to start new year? I cant think of one! Gary and I had a quiet night at home last night. We rang in the new year with some wine (Captain and coke for Gary), a couple of movies, a to die for dinner, a little snooze from 11:15-11:45 (hehe...I am old!) and a champagne toast and kiss at midnight! It was really really nice! Now that I am older I realize how wonderful it is to wake up on New Years Day without a hangover. Seems for years that was the goal...how smashed can you get and how awful can you feel on day 1 of the next year. Those days are long gone and I love it!

As for the annual new years resolution... I have given this some thought. Seems every year...I make a resolution and within a few days I break it. Not a good way to start a new year. So this year... I have decided to make one resolution...one resolution that will play out how ever it needs to for me--but doesn't have a HUGE guilt tag associated with it if I end up not being perfect. My resolution---- To stop allowing our fertility challenges and my traveling for work to be an excuse to not take care of myself. Seems for the past year I have been using our fertility challenges and my inconsistent schedule as an excuse to not exercise, be unhealthy and eat less than optimal. I am done with that. 2009 is my year to focus on myself and my health. I will have my ups and I will have my downs...but that is okay.

I am worried a little about 2009-- I will be honest. I have this immense fear that an entire year will go by again and we still will be without child. I pray (daily) that this isn't the case. I pray that God blesses Gary and I with a baby in 2009. I pray that our timeline and God's timeline falls in line. For all those that pray for us...thank you! I wish everyone a happy, healthy 2009! Let this be a WONDERFUL year!

Merry Christmas

I know I am a few days late, but with the traveling and all...not easy to update the blog.

Ahh...the joys of coming home after being away. Gary and I had a WONDERFUL trip to CT. For me... just the idea of 5 days of spending time with my family, relaxing and visiting-- makes me so happy! I was really looking forward to Christmas Eve-- that is our big family get together! It definately did not disappoint! Yummy food, yummy drinks and LOTS of laughs!

Me and my Memere

Gary and I in front of the tree

Hanging out with the cousins

Family photo opportunity

Christmas day for us-- nice and quiet! Over the years our Christmas day has evolved into a relax at home day. We used to do the big family thing on Christmas day too, but since my cousin's and I have grown older and gotten married and had kids... our parents have opted for hanging home together as a family.

Our standard Christmas morning photo

This Christmas my mother and I decided to go see a movie... the boys... they stayed home. We went and saw Mar.ley and M.e. Wow. That is all I will say. Good movie. VERY sad. Cried a ton. If you have a dog and you cant imagine your life without him (like me)... be very careful. I was a sobbing mess. My mother was a sobbing mess and she is not even a fan of dogs. Nuff said!

Then we headed home and hit the bottle. Hehehe...that sounds bad but seriously...check it out! This bottle of wine was given to Gary and I in 2002 when we got engaged. The family I used to nanny for gave it to us. Needless to say...this isnt exactly a bottle of wine that you just open on a Friday night. We *thought* it was a bottle we could milk on for a few days... umm...yeah... try 1. Ha! We 4 wine drinkers in the house... the bottle went down nicely! :)

Other than that... our visit was quiet! On Friday, Gary and I hit the casino for some afternoon gambling-- we lost. :( I got to do some shopping with my mom on Saturday... love it! Gary and I spent Saturday night hanging out with my cousin, her hubby and my sister watching the UFC fight. It was a great time!

Despite a delay leaving Newar.k yesterday... we were happy to get home last night!

Oh it has been a while!

So, it has been a while since I last post-- almost 3 weeks to be exact! The whirlwind of the holidays has really sucked me in and I have completely lost all sense of time! Hard to believe today we are half way through December already! That means in 16 days- 2008 will be over! Wow! Seriously-- where has this year gone?

News on the baby front... not much to report. Gary and I are now praying that 2009 will be our year. It really is scary going into another year unsure if it is "the" year. I am terrified to think

about the idea that 1 year from now...I could be sitting at my computer...reflecting back on my year and saying the words..."Gary and I are hoping 2010 is our year." I pray to God that is not the case. While I know 2009 will be busy and we will have a lot going on our desire to have a baby is stronger than ever! Being parents is our #1 priority and goal. I have recently been promoted at work and I am excited about it, and I know all too well that you need to live life for today, I cant help but wonder how my promotion will affect our efforts to have a baby. I will likely have to do more traveling and hopefully I can manage that schedule with any Dr. appts. we might have. I guess if there is one thing I have learned this year-- it is amazing what can happen in a year!

I am anxiously awaiting the holidays! I am so excited for Christmas this year-- it is almost ridiculous! Gary and I are traveling to CT for the holidays! We haven't been with my family for Christmas since 2004! That seems SO long ago! It was! 2005 and 2006 Gary and I spent Christmas alone in Washingt.on trying to make our own holiday traditions. I think in 2005 that equated to having a couple of the single sail.ors on Gary's boat over and for dinner- having turkey and ribs! ha! 2006 was really quiet...we made dinner and watched the movie The Fam.ily Sto.ne (LOVE that movie-cry ever time!). Last year, of course we spent Christmas with Gary's family. It was the first time I ever spent Christmas with them and I think for Gary-- it had been 8 or so years! It was nice. Watching our nieces open their presents was the highlight. This year though... YAY!! we will be with my family! Christmas eve is our big get together and I love every minute. I think Christmas day will be quiet! Just the way I like it!!

Oh... I was just about to sign off, but I have the TV on and on the To.day Show they are giving an update on the Cayl.ee An.thony case-- makes me sick. How could someone do something so horrific? There is NO doubt in my mind her mother had something to do with it. So I pose the question-- Why can a monster have a baby and we cant? Just awful. My thoughts and prayers are with those that actually loved and tried to protect that little girl.

That is all for now... If I don't post again before next week--
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!