Merry Christmas

I know I am a few days late, but with the traveling and all...not easy to update the blog.

Ahh...the joys of coming home after being away. Gary and I had a WONDERFUL trip to CT. For me... just the idea of 5 days of spending time with my family, relaxing and visiting-- makes me so happy! I was really looking forward to Christmas Eve-- that is our big family get together! It definately did not disappoint! Yummy food, yummy drinks and LOTS of laughs!

Me and my Memere

Gary and I in front of the tree

Hanging out with the cousins

Family photo opportunity

Christmas day for us-- nice and quiet! Over the years our Christmas day has evolved into a relax at home day. We used to do the big family thing on Christmas day too, but since my cousin's and I have grown older and gotten married and had kids... our parents have opted for hanging home together as a family.

Our standard Christmas morning photo

This Christmas my mother and I decided to go see a movie... the boys... they stayed home. We went and saw Mar.ley and M.e. Wow. That is all I will say. Good movie. VERY sad. Cried a ton. If you have a dog and you cant imagine your life without him (like me)... be very careful. I was a sobbing mess. My mother was a sobbing mess and she is not even a fan of dogs. Nuff said!

Then we headed home and hit the bottle. Hehehe...that sounds bad but seriously...check it out! This bottle of wine was given to Gary and I in 2002 when we got engaged. The family I used to nanny for gave it to us. Needless to say...this isnt exactly a bottle of wine that you just open on a Friday night. We *thought* it was a bottle we could milk on for a few days... umm...yeah... try 1. Ha! We 4 wine drinkers in the house... the bottle went down nicely! :)

Other than that... our visit was quiet! On Friday, Gary and I hit the casino for some afternoon gambling-- we lost. :( I got to do some shopping with my mom on Saturday... love it! Gary and I spent Saturday night hanging out with my cousin, her hubby and my sister watching the UFC fight. It was a great time!

Despite a delay leaving Newar.k yesterday... we were happy to get home last night!

Oh it has been a while!

So, it has been a while since I last post-- almost 3 weeks to be exact! The whirlwind of the holidays has really sucked me in and I have completely lost all sense of time! Hard to believe today we are half way through December already! That means in 16 days- 2008 will be over! Wow! Seriously-- where has this year gone?

News on the baby front... not much to report. Gary and I are now praying that 2009 will be our year. It really is scary going into another year unsure if it is "the" year. I am terrified to think

about the idea that 1 year from now...I could be sitting at my computer...reflecting back on my year and saying the words..."Gary and I are hoping 2010 is our year." I pray to God that is not the case. While I know 2009 will be busy and we will have a lot going on our desire to have a baby is stronger than ever! Being parents is our #1 priority and goal. I have recently been promoted at work and I am excited about it, and I know all too well that you need to live life for today, I cant help but wonder how my promotion will affect our efforts to have a baby. I will likely have to do more traveling and hopefully I can manage that schedule with any Dr. appts. we might have. I guess if there is one thing I have learned this year-- it is amazing what can happen in a year!

I am anxiously awaiting the holidays! I am so excited for Christmas this year-- it is almost ridiculous! Gary and I are traveling to CT for the holidays! We haven't been with my family for Christmas since 2004! That seems SO long ago! It was! 2005 and 2006 Gary and I spent Christmas alone in Washingt.on trying to make our own holiday traditions. I think in 2005 that equated to having a couple of the single sail.ors on Gary's boat over and for dinner- having turkey and ribs! ha! 2006 was really quiet...we made dinner and watched the movie The Fam.ily Sto.ne (LOVE that movie-cry ever time!). Last year, of course we spent Christmas with Gary's family. It was the first time I ever spent Christmas with them and I think for Gary-- it had been 8 or so years! It was nice. Watching our nieces open their presents was the highlight. This year though... YAY!! we will be with my family! Christmas eve is our big get together and I love every minute. I think Christmas day will be quiet! Just the way I like it!!

Oh... I was just about to sign off, but I have the TV on and on the To.day Show they are giving an update on the Cayl.ee An.thony case-- makes me sick. How could someone do something so horrific? There is NO doubt in my mind her mother had something to do with it. So I pose the question-- Why can a monster have a baby and we cant? Just awful. My thoughts and prayers are with those that actually loved and tried to protect that little girl.

That is all for now... If I don't post again before next week--
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!

When it rains- it pours...

Found out today (yes-- all today) that 3 (count them 1, 2, 3!) friends are expecting. Very excited for them...very sad for us.

Pouring myself a BIG ol' glass of wine! Pity party for 1 please!

Giving Thanks...

I know I haven't blogged in a while...I have been crazy busy with work and quite honestly haven't had much to write about. Our vacation seems like a lifetime ago! I had 2 back to back weeks of traveling for work and thankfully this is a short holiday week!

Hard to believe it is Thanksgiving already! This year has gone by faster than I can even think about. I had lunch yesterday with my IVF "carpool buddy" (who I now call my friend) and we were talking about how she is 6 months along already! 6 months! Honestly, it seems like last month I was making the 1.5 hour trek to the Dr.

Although my tone in much of this blog has not been one of thanksgiving...I am extremely thankful for the year I have had! This has been my year of learning and growing. I have learned so much about myself and about the strength of my relationship with my husband, family and friends. I am beyond thankful that I have the support system that I have! I have learned about myself and what I can and can not handle-- these lessons have been invaluable!

We are staying close to home this year for the holiday-- hosting Gary's entire family! I am excited and nervous-- 11 people will be sitting down at the same time to eat! YIKES! Thankfully I will not be stressing over a turkey-- Granny is bringing that! Phew! To me-- making the side dishes is easy and actually something I quite enjoy-- so I am looking forward to it! I will make one dessert today (pumpkin cheesecake) and the other tomorrow (pecan pie)-- so it will be good to have those out of the way!

I wish you all a happy and safe Thanksgiving!

Seriously????

The pregnant man is pregnant again...

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=6244878&page=1

Seriously? :(

Ahh...Mexico!!

Wow! What a wonderful week!! Having waited for this trip for months, I had very high expectations. I wanted to relax, relax and do more relaxing. Safe to say... my expectations were met.

The week leading up to our vacation was anything but relaxing. The Navy through us a curve ball and changed the date of Gary's audit at the last minute. This caused me to have to spend an hour on the phone with the airline trying to figure out how to change Gary's ticket. It was a mess. Thankfully Gary was able to come...2 days late...but he made it! We had a wonderful time. We got to spend some quality time with good friends, relax our butts off, enjoy the sun and warm weather and see some of the sites of Mexico. It was a perfect vacation!

Here are some picutres~~~

Horrible Kitty Mommy!

In my post below-- I failed to mention that in the 5 years since we married we also adopted our cat Tupper. What a horrible kitty mommy I am. For that...Tupper gets his own post!

Yes, he is a little over weight, but the camera adds 10lbs. ;)

Long Awaited Vacation

Well, the vacation we have been waiting for since February is finally here! I leave for Mex.ico tomorrow and Gary will meet me there on Wednesday. We didn't plan to travel separately but the N.avy had a different plan. Gary has an recruiting station audit first thing on Wednesday morning...then he will fly to Mexic.o in the afternoon. He should be at our resort by 11pm on Wednesday night--hopefully. Preparation for this audit has been extremely stressful for Gary and having it interrupt his long awaited vacation didn't help! I know he will be ready to relax by the time he gets there.
This vacation is to celebrate our 5 year anniversary! Hard for me to believe that in just 5 days shy of 5 years-- we got married! Time has flown by. In the past 5 years we've:

~Moved 4 times-- 2 being cross country.
~We adopted our furbaby Tanner.
~We bought our first home.
~We each bought new vehicles- twice.
~Had 2 failed intrauterine insemination's.
~Had 1 failed in vitro.

All in all we have had a great 5 years--more positives than negatives!! Of course adding a baby to the pictures is our ultimate goal, but looking back-- there is nothing I can complain about of our first 5 years of marriage! I am a very lucky woman!!

National Infertility Awareness Week

Happy Monday! Yesterday marked the start of the 19th Annual National Infertility Awareness Week. Since infertility affects 7.3 million Americans (1 in 6 couples--and we happen to be part of that statistic) I thought I would write a post to mark this week.

We have been so fortunate in our journey and have had the most supportive friends and family. How they knew how to be supportive-- I have no idea how, they just knew! I know many out there are not so lucky!! Many out there have to deal with the myriad of questions-- invasive and sometimes ignorant. Resolve.org is an organization dedicated to infertility. For me-- it has been a great resource!

I came across this site last night and it touched me deeply. Whoever created it-- surely felt the pain and heartache that infertility can bring. I wanted to share with you all b/c I thought it was beautiful.

Empty Arms Video

Thank you to all our friends and family that have supported us-we couldn't/ can't make it through this journey without you!

St. Gerard-Patron St. of Mothers

Today is the Feast Day of St. Gerard-- Patron Saint of Mothers.

If you feel so inclined, please say a prayer today for all the mothers and mothers to be of the world.

For Motherhood:
O good St. Gerard, powerful intercessor before the throne of God, wonder-worker of our day, I call upon you and seek your help. While on earth, you always fulfilled God's designs; help me, too, always do God's holy will. Beseech the master of life, from whom all parenthood proceeds, to bless me with offspring, that I may raise up children to God in this life and heirs to the kingdom of God's glory in the life to come. Amen.

For Mother With Child:
O almighty and everlasting God, through the Holy Spirit, you prepared the body and soul of the glorious virgin Mary to be a worthy dwelling place of your divine Son. Through the same Holy Spirit, you sanctified St. John the Baptist, while still in his mother's womb. Hear the prayers of your humble servant who implores you, through the intercession of St. Gerard, to protect me amid the dangers of childbearing and to watch over the child with which you blessed me. May this child be cleansed by the saving water of baptism and, after a Christian life on earth, may we, both mother and child, attain everlasting bliss in heaven. Amen.

Power of Prayer

Okay, I know I said yesterday I wasn't going to have much to post about...but this I have to post about!

On one of the infertility message boards that I visit daily, one of the girls decided to start a 9 day novena to St. Theresa. I have done it before, so I decided to join in again. We started last week and we were checking in daily for 9 days. Each day we would post our intention, say the prayer that was posted and answer a question of the day. With this St. Theresa novena we asked for confirmation of our prayers being heard by asking to be shown or showered with roses.

Yesterday was our last day-- so our question of the day was to state how we saw our rose. The other girls-had very obvious sitings-- me on the other hand-- all I could remember seeing was a green rose on the alter at church this past week. I thought, well, that must have been it-- that must have been my sign. So I posted my intention and answered the question of the day and went back to work.

Around noon yesterday, while I was on the phone with my sister, I noticed DHL pull up in front of my house and they rang the door bell, but since I was on the phone I didn't get up right away. So once I hung up with my sister, I went to get the package. It was a box from FTD. I opened the card-- from my sister-- the flowers were for my birthday which was last week. She was crazy busy with a wedding that she was in over the weekend and hadn't had a chance to send anything. I open the box... ROSES and calla lilies. ROSES!!! I just stood there in amazement. St. Theresa heard my prayers and wanted to let me know!

The power of prayer is amazing!

Just nothing to write about...

HI
So I haven't written anything in over a week...b/c...I just don't have anything to write about! Last week was rough. I had some really bad days. Basically just feeling sorry for myself and Gary. My birthday came and went. Nothing spectacular-- which at 31-- is just fine! :) Gary did get me a Wii and a Wii Fit though and I have been LOVING it! I have used it everyday. Not really sure if I will lose weight with it, but it is fun to use and I figure 30-60 minutes on it vs. sitting on my butt-- gotta be worth something, right?

So no real updates. We are still laying low on the baby situation. The last couple months of this year will be extremely busy with work travel, vacation travel (YAY! Mexico!!) and holiday travel (YAY!! CT!!), so really no time to be trying to do anything IVF related. We are focusing hard, paying down some bills and maybe in 2009 we can regroup and decide what to do baby related. Although my desire is as strong as it was in...well...forever... the mental break of not having it be in EVERY thought has been nice. I have had a chance to refocus on things I was pushing to the side earlier this year.

My posts may become few and far between as I have some busy weeks ahead. I apologize in advance, but still check in (if you have interest) as I may come up with things to post about!! :)

Empty and Angry

This is going to be an emotional post-- so Mom-- if you are at work--stop reading.

A year has gone by. 1 year. I posted a message on my support message board a year ago about how upset I was that I was turning 30 and still not pregnant. Here we are. "Celebrating" a birthday this week... still not pregnant. I feel like it is hitting me hard.

I am starting to get angry with myself, because my anger about all of this and my negative feeling about all of this are becoming uncontrollable. Uncontrollable in a sense of-- I am overly emotional at every pregnancy story line on EVERY show I watch, I have a pissy attitude towards the "It's a Boy!" balloons attached to our new neighbors mailbox and I cant help but having a sinking feeling in my stomach and in my heart when I see newborn babies. I worry daily about having a break down when seeing my neighbor-- who successfully got pregnant the same month we did our IVF. S & J know that I am OVER the moon excited for them-- I am just terrified that at some point my emotions are not going to be able to handle it. I know S knows this and she has been very sensitive to me. It makes me sad though, I feel like I am not being the friend to her-- that I should be...that I want to be. Am I going to have to go through the rest of my life feeling like this?

I no longer know to deal with all this crap gracefully. I just don't know how to do it. I feel like everyday I am dealing with trying to come to terms with the idea that I may never have it (the opportunity to be a mom, "the moments" of a BFP, hearing my baby cry for the first time, that sense of unconditional love, etc). I have to sit back and watch everyone else earn it no problem, but Gary and I may never have it. It breaks my heart. Why not us?

Ahh...What a great weekend!

Gary and I just had a great weekend away! Saturday was the Khaki Ball for Gary's command. A Khaki Ball is more of a party than a ball and it is to celebrate the recent promotion of sailors from First Class Petty Officer to Chief Petty Officer. It is the biggest promotion one would have in their career and a very meaningful and important experience. Gary was promoted to Chief in 2006, but due to his submarine schedule, he didnt get to experience everything he should have. There is a month long "initiation" period, the actual pinning event, change of the uniform from "the blues" to "khaki" and then the ball. I am so happy we got to go to the ball this year. We had a good time and I had the chance to meet a lot of Gary's co-workers. We had a good time!

It is funny though... many of the couples we met this weekend have children. And of course, as you would imagine, their children come up in conversation. The conversation always leads to the question-- "Do you have kids?" Standard response from us... "No, not yet." (with a partial smile). More times than not-- the response we get is-- "Oh, wait... wait as long as you can...blah, blah, blah." I usually tune out after they said "Wait..." It just strikes me as funny- that we get that response so often. I causes me to reflect on my own interactions with people. Do I ever say things that in the eyes of someone else may bother them? Do I ever have ignorant responses to conversation? Unless the person is comfortable saying something, it is impossible to know, but just gives me a reason to pause before I speak.

All in all we had a great weekend! Today, I am off to New Orleans for a conference. Thankfully this is my last trip for a month. The next trip we take...to MEXICO!!! YAY!!

Bad Blogger

I know...I know...I have been a bad blogger. I really havent had much of an update to give and this week I am in CT for work and visiting family.

Anytime I come to CT my days seem to fly by. I have a 1- 1.5 hour commute into the office and usually my evenings are busy with visiting. This time has been no different.

Had a great weekend hanging out with my family! On Saturday, I got to make a trip to the CT shore. There is something about the CT shore that I just love! Maybe it is because I am no where near a beach in LA or b/c I just have this thing for water. It is extremely calming to me and anytime I am around it-- I am happy. The trip made for a few good pictures--

Me and my cousin Abby~being silly

Me and my Mom on the Mystic Drawbridge

Mmmm...Mystic Pizza

Me and my Aunt Lisa

Watch Hill

Tagged- Randomness

I was tagged by T-bird

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

Six Random Things about Me:
1. I used to be flexible enough to put both feet behind my head
2. I cant think about popsicle sticks/tongue depressors without breaking out in goose bumps
3. I usually talk to my mother at least once a day
4. I have a 6 inch scar on my leg from having a birthmark removed when I was 5
5. I never take my wedding rings off- unless I am working with raw chicken or in my flower beds
6. I just ate lunch but my stomach is growling already :(

Six people is too many to tag... so I tag anyone that reads this that has a blog! ;)

Let the fall craziness begin!

This weekend marks my last "quiet" weekend of the fall (yes, fall just begun!!)! Next week the craziness of life and work kick in again and I start my busy travel season. I have quite a few trips planned between now and Thanksgiving-- racking up the frequent flier miles!!

The fall will be really busy for both Gary and myself-- which right now-- I consider to be a good thing. At this point-- I fear my emotions when the holiday's roll around. Holiday's including my 31st birthday in less than a month. Last year-- when I turned 30-- I was CERTAIN that by 31-- I would be pregnant. Well... pretty sure that is not the case. This really saddens me. The thought of going through another holiday season with motherhood not in sight really sucks.

I still don't really know how to deal with this disappointment. I still feel disappointed everyday. I am not crying about it as much anymore-- which is good-- but I still truly feel disappointed. Back in the spring-- I was looking ahead to things we have going on this fall and as we were planning-- I was envisioning myself as pregnant. Now these events are rolling around, and I am not- but my mind still has them planned like I should be. Does that even make sense? Example-- I have a surprise planned for Gary in November, and when I planned it-- I planned it specifically for November expecting that I would be pregnant and that it wouldn't be so hot out and that I could enjoy it too. LOL-- now I guess it doesn't really matter-- the heat is not an issue because I am not pregnant.

I don't know... I am on this crazy roller coaster and I am tired of the peaks and valleys.

Not to get political...

BUT, can I say that it really bothers me that Sarah Palin (McCain's VP running mate) has a 17 year old daughter that is 5 months pregnant.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/09/01/palin.daughter/index.html

To refer to my older post-- Life's Not Fair!

Long weekends are for yard work...

Well... at least one day should be spent doing yard work. Thankfully for me...that day was yesterday!

We spent Saturday riping bushes up in front of the house. The house was landscaped when we bought it but over the past year-- the bushes have just started to look unkept-- no matter how much we prune and groom. So we decided that a weekend project would be to rip out the bushes and replace with a cleaner landscape.

When we bought the house- here is what the landscaping looked like:

You can see--there were LOTS of bushes-- small boxwood bushes. Which by themselves are not bad-- but when you literally have 30 of them. Blech! I was tired of them.

Last fall-- we pulled up all the bushes on the left side of the walkway. We replaced those with new mulch and some low elephant grass. Yesterday- we pulled up the boxwoods and other bushes on the right of the walkway against the garage.

Here is how it looks today:

Now that I post these picture-- I realize we have more work to do! Guess it will be off to Lowe's later!! Fun times being a homeowner!!

My thoughts exactly...

I hate to be a downer... and I hope you all have your tissues ready. This song...sums up all my feelings. I apologize now for only being able to post a link-- I haven't yet figured out how to post a video (anyone want to tell me how??? :) ) Mom...don't be mad... it might be a tear jerker. Below are the words to the song-- could Kelly Coffey have nailed it on the head any better?

I Would Die For That

"I Would Die For That"

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

Operation "Surprise Parents"- Complete!

In just 1 week my parents will celebrate their 35th wedding anniversary! Not only is this accomplishment a remarkable one, but it is also some what of an inspiration. I truly feel that my parents have "the marriage" that everyone wants. They are lovey, they tiff, they tease, they are a unit, they are independent, they are an example! They are not perfect-- but who is? Whose relationship is? No ones... but in terms of a perfect example of how to survive year after year with another-- they do a great job!

Anyway... so in 1 week they will celebrate 35 years together. I wanted to mark this occasion! Gary and I decided that we would fly to CT and surprise them! I also wanted to have a BBQ to celebrate. My sister and I recruited the help of my whole family (6 aunts, 7 uncles and a bunch of cousins) to help execute this "surprise." Well... it was a success!! Gary and I flew up to CT on Thursday and our plan was for my sister to lure them to a restaurant where we would surprise them. Well...my mom... wasn't playing along. She insisted that she didn't want to go out to dinner. Boo... there goes that idea. So then my sister thought it would be good just to show up at their house. Okay...that could work. We got there-- my dad wasn't home yet--boo #2. So we shocked my mom. Hehehe... she had no idea! The look on her face-- priceless. She was shocked! Then my dad came home-- he was shocked too! So much so-- that my sister said she was worried--he turned really pale. Poor guy--we werent looking to give him a heart attack!!

We had the big BBQ for them on Saturday- we had a great time!! The weather was perfect and it was so nice to spend a day with my family and just relax. Well...I say relax...I wasn't really relaxed-- feeding and organizing a party for 40 is no easy feat! I had lots of help though!!

Here are some pictures from the day...

The Family

The "girls"--my sister and 4 cousins

Party in full swing

Nothing like a little competative bean bag toss

Cheers!

Yay!! Party success!!

Ugh...Life's not fair

I hate that statement- "Life's Not Fair" but seriously-- it's not. Two things today have struck me as really being "not fair".

As I have said before- I belong to a message board that specifically focuses on Trouble Trying to Conceive. This week has seemed to be really really bad. A lot of women testing negative and it is heartbreaking. I have somewhat distanced myself from reading the board for a couple of reasons. The posts about positives-- while exciting-- were making me sadder and sadder for me and Gary. The posts about negatives-- constant reminders of that raw emotion I felt after the failed IVF. It sucks! While I am excited and overjoyed for those that have "graduated" to the Success after Infertility board---I almost feel left behind. I long for my graduation and all emotions that come with that!

Just the simple point that some of us who want to be mommies so badly have to wait years for those moments-- not fair! The idea that we have to experience bad, sad, angry and bitter feelings about anything to do with getting pregnant (an occasion that should only be happy and exciting)--not fair!

My other "not fair" moment- I went to the vet today to pick up Tanner's heart worm medicine. As I am in the waiting room-- a dad comes in with his 2 kids who had clearly been crying. I thought maybe their pet was in the hospital and passed away. Then I noticed that the dad was carrying the pet. I think it was a puppy- i heard him say "7 weeks old". The kids were sobbing. Heartbroken. I literally teared up. Family pets dying--not fair!

Some days just seem so negative. Hard to find a ton of things to be happy and excited about. I know eventually it will change...but some days the "not fair's" just seem to be so in your face!

Alls Quiet Here...

Not much to report here-- hence the lack of posts.

Things have been relatively quiet! Gary and I had a good weekend catching up. We hadn't really had more than 1 day to ourselves in over 2 weeks, so it was nice to just hang out together and talk.

In our quest to find our "religious" fit here-- aka--a church we want to go to-- we made it back to the same church 2 weeks in a row. Anyone that knows me-- knows I grew up going to church--every Sunday--even through college (well, almost every Sunday). Once Gary and I got married-- because we chose to do it outside the catholic church and *gasp* I married someone who was divorced without an annulment-- I was no longer "allowed" to receive Communion in the catholic church-- so I basically lost my desire to practice my faith there. Yes, I have gone to catholic church several times since... each time... I remain seated during communion-- allowing myself to stick out like a sore thumb. Annoying. So since moving to LA I have visited several churches- different religions-- trying to find one where I feel like I fit in. Now Gary on the other hand-- not a big church go'er. Picture me begging on Christmas and Easter for him to go with me--so I don't have to go by myself. Anyway- a few weeks ago I mentioned I thought I wanted to try the Episcopal church here in town and wondered if he would go with me. He needed a couple weeks processing time, but committed to go with me. I was thrilled. We went-- it was nice-- very similar to catholic mass which makes me comfortable. We got a warm welcome from the pastor's wife and the pastor himself on our way out. I think they were being nice... or they were hoping to slip in the words "Jean's are not appropriate church attire!" Yup-- we wore jeans. I have been to the catholic church here a couple times-- seen people in jeans-- so I assumed jeans would be okay at this church too. Umm...yeah...no! I was wrong! We were the only 2 in jeans-- in the entire church. We sat in the second to last row-- watched every single person walk in- I am not exaggerating! How embarassing!

This past weekend...we decided to go again. We even went to buy Gary new "church" clothes. Ha! Who knows what is happening to us down here-- we may have found our fit!

Other than that... we are plugging along. We havent made any decisions on what our next step will be on the baby front. It has been a nice mental break to not be so focused on it. I still think about it daily, but it is not consuming my every thought-- like it was before. Eventually we will know what the "right" next step will be...but for now... no clue!

My desire to be a mommy

I will preface this post by saying that it is Friday night-- I have had a glass (or 2 (: ) of wine and Gary is not home-- so my feelings are magnified...

I was just on My.space and I was looking at a picture that my my cousin had tagged of me holding her daughter.

I am gazing at her daughter-- this was taken late last summer/ early fall. I think at that point-- I had put so much hope in the "it will just happen" theory and I was really hopeful that by this baby's 1st birthday I would be far along in my own pregnancy. Now here we are-- not only did it "not just happen" but we used major medical intervention and it still didn't "happen."

I have been fairly passive in my last few posts about how strong my desire for a baby still is. Partly my way of coping and partly my way of trying to fake you all out in thinking that I am okay. I still hurt, Gary still hurts, we still hurt as a couple who together want to have our own baby.

I don't know how or when I will get past all of this. I try to keep occupied-- try to keep my mind busy so I don't focus on how the IVF didn't work--but when all is said and done-- I still so incredibly sad. All I want is that feeling-- that feeling of love, of need, of completeness (is that even a word?).

I know we still have your thoughts and prayers and I thank you everyday for them-- I would not make it through without!

Slowly digging out...

Vacations are wonderful... but dealing with the load of work you have to face when you get back... is not!

I had a great visit with my sister and cousin- I was so sad to say good bye to them. It was just nice to hang around and visit, eat too much, drink too much, have uncontrollable laughs and of course catch up on some sleep! I always hate saying good bye to visiting family...I just never know when our next visitors will be!

The boys are still getting along great! I am so thrilled that they are co-existing happily!

Gary is away this week for work- New Orleans of all places! Sad that he is gone, but kinda nice to have a completely quiet house to myself! I worked an extremely long day yesterday, did some cleaning, made dinner and was in bed at 9pm! Some would say that is lame...but not me!

So I have a bit of a dilemma... my last "therapy" appt- which was anything but therapeutic- I schedule a next appointment. I felt bad. I couldn't look this lady in the face and tell her I couldn't have her as my therapist b/c she just so happens to be 8 months prego. Well...my next appt. is today/ was today. She called this morning to remind me-- I didn't answer. She called back a couple hours later-- I didn't answer. I was wanting to try to call her and pray that I just got her voicemail. No such luck... I called... she answered. I am such a chicken... I rescheduled for Thursday. Uugghhh... I need to get out of this...I feel bad- like I am going to hurt her feelings or something. Sucks!

Oh and like rubbing salt in a wound-- we got our invoice from the fertility clinic for the ICSI procedure they did during the egg retrieval. Umm...yeah... A LOT of $$$...for nothing. It's gonna suck to write that check. You think they would be sympathetic to the fact that we have already paid a ton of money and have NOTHING to show for it. Couldn't they give a discount or something. Again...SUCKS!

My memory

So I wanted to do something to mark this time in our lives. I wanted a way to always remember all that Gary and I had gone through-- not that I could have easily forgotten. I decided to get a tattoo. Never really thought that I could go through with it...but yesterday I did!

My tattoo was thoroughly thought out. Two branches of cherry blossoms. One branch has 7 flowers with each flower having 5 petals. This totals 35 petals and that is Gary's age. The other branch has 6 flowers with each flower having 5 petals. This totals 30 petals and that is my age. Then we added butterflies to represent our embryo's.

Cherry blossoms represent spiritual beauty. I truly feel like my spirit has had to go through a transformation in this process so I thought they were a great symbol. The butterflies- small and beautiful- just as my embryo's once were.

Just like the entire IVF process-- it was painful!

Dogs, Cats and Hurricanes

So I have a couple fun things to post about today!

First- my sister and cousin made it to the deep south without incident...well, sort of! At midnight on Thursday my sister and cousin began their trek to LA. Remember a couple posts back I told you they were moving my cat, Tupper? Well it was an adventure for them. They were flying out of Newa.rk which is 2 hours from where they were starting. So they started with a small road trip. Tupper was not much fond of the carrier...so he rode to NJ in the lap. Ha! He literally worked himself out of the zipped up cat carrier and made his way to the front seats. He fought the carrier the entire trip. But made it to LA safe and sound.

Next was the adventure of introducing Tupper and Tanner. I was stressing about this. I had no idea how either was going to react! Gary didn't really believe in a slow introduction. The photo montage shows how it went:

Needles to say...they are like best buds now! Went FAR better than I could have ever imagined. Don't be fooled-- there was hissing from Tupper and whimpering from Tanner but that soon passed.

Second- the girl's adventure to N.ew Orlean.s. We had a great time!! That is the Hurricane part of my title. Although we never did have the famous Ne.w Orl.ean's drink... we had many in place of it!

We made the 4.5 trip down to N.ew Orlea.ns on Sunday. On our agenda when we got there-- lunch and then a walking "cocktail" tour of the Fr.ench Qua.rter. We had a great lunch at the only microbrew in the Frenc.h Quart.er- Cresen.t Cit.y Brew.HouseThe Cocktail tour of the Quar.ter was really interesting. We got to visit 5 bars and learn the colorful history behind each one and their speciality drinks. Definitely tried somethings I never would have.

Some pictures of our night out...

Do we look like tourists???

In a Pirates bar--trying a "Green Fairy" made with absinthe
Enjoying Bou.rbon St

We had a great time... great drinks and many laughs... all without hangover!! :)

Well that sucked!

So I thought seeing a therapist to talk through this roller coaster of emotions I was on would be a good idea. I have been warned by others that it is important to seek the help of a therapist who knows how to deal with infertility. Many people think they are being helpful but often times can say things that are hurtful--even when they have the best of intentions.

So I received the name of a therapist from my Dr., but she was over an hour and a half away. So I figured I would give a therapist in my town a try. Called her up, she sounded nice, scheduled the appointment, she didn't ask many questions, I didn't really think much of it.

The appointment was today. Gary came with me. We got there a bit early...sat in the waiting area...heard the clack, clack, clack of her shoes across the hardwood floor...turned around... and was eye level with an 8 month belly. Shit! Yup... the therapist that I thought would solve all my problems... 8 months pregnant! Needless to say... the appointment was not very helpful. She was very nice but I couldn't let out what I really wanted to let out and it was kind of awkward all around.

Guess I will be hauling it to a new therapist...this is what I get for trying to save gas and money.

Tagged for another Meme

These are fun and good for a 5 minute distraction from work!! :)

Shawna tagged me for this meme...All you have to do is answer the questions with one word, and tag four people. I think that this is the perfect time for distractions

1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Your significant other? lifting
3. Your hair? straight
4. Your mother? awesome
5. Your father? awesome
6. Your favorite thing? hugs
7. Your dream last night? boring
8. Your favorite drink? coffee
9. Your dream/goal? babies
10. The room you’re in? Office
11. Your hobby? cakes
12. Your fear? childless
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Home
14. What you’re not? skinny
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. One of your wish list items? babies
17. Where you grew up? Connecticut
18. The last thing you did? researched
19. What are you wearing? clothes
20. Favorite gadget? mixer
21. Your pets? lovable
22. Your computer? crappy
23. Your mood? anxious
24. Missing someone? yes
25. Your car? dirty
26. Something you’re not wearing? socks
27. Favorite store? Target
28. Like someone? yup
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
31. Last time you cried? yesterday

Fun!!

Slap... and Hugs

Cant wait for this to show up in my mailbox on Saturday.... wahoo... (again...sense the sarcasm)

Okay... I was going to have this just be a negative post-- I even clicked "publish" but I have decided to come back in and tell you a positive thing too!! I have some of the most amazingly thoughtful and generous friends and family. It seems everyday I have received some act of kindness! These thoughts and gifts have given me smiles everyday! I just need to say thank you!! Thank you for the emails, the phone calls, the flowers, the pajama's, the bubble bath, the hummingbird feeder and the cards!! Each and everyone has made me smile! Thank you!!

Well... nothing we didn't already know...awesome! (sense the sarcasim)

Finally talked to the Dr. today. Unfortunately he didn't tell us anything we didn't already know. My need to talk to him was basically to confirm my understanding of how he came up with the predicted 35% success rate if we tried again.

His answer:
-Based on his clinical judgement looking at all of the factors that went into the first cycle-i.e. sperm quality, # of embryos we produced, quality of those embryos, my response to the meds, how the embryo's developed, our ages, etc. that is how he determines is prediction.

So really nothing knew. In the week and a half since the dreaded voicemail-- I was able to figure that out on my own. Just annoying. Annoying that there isn't some "Ahh Ha!" reason as to why this didn't work. Oh, but don't worry-- he did suggest we try again. Umm.... yes! of course you do. Win or lose... you still get our money. I hate to sound cynical and bitter...but honestly...I kinda am. (very sad to admit)

Anyway... that's that. We will keep moving forward...slowly...but surely!

Keeping Busy

I am finding that the busier I keep myself... the better off I am. I have thrown myself back into working out and getting my butt back in shape. My neighbor "R" and I have nightly dates to do our walking/ jogging and I have been using J.illian M.ich.ael's 30.Day.Shred for the past 4 days. That is a crazy hard workout. I figure...if my butt is going to visit Mexico in 4 months... it better look good (or at least as good as I can get it!)

I have really been putting my new hobby to the test-- cake decorating. Yesterday we celebrated our niece's 2nd birthday at my brother in laws. Our niece-- obsessed with Spid.erman. So that is what she wanted for a cake. I was up for the challenge...the results...

I will say-- I was impressed with the results. I wont lie and say it was easy-- took me about 2 1/2 hours to do, but overall I was very pleased!

Soon I will be taking orders!! ha!!

My mind is bored

My mind is bored. I feel like I have kind of run out of things to really think about (or write about...hence this post)! I have thought about babies for so long and I am really trying to take a break from thinking about them. Although I will admit-- this is extremely difficult! Every time I go to the Internet...it seems some celebrity has just had a baby-- Brangelina (x2!), Jamie-Lynn, Nicole and the list goes on. They are everywhere... I will never be able to avoid it!

Gary and I have been doing a lot of reflecting this week. This week I really caught a glimpse of just how sad Gary is. This of course... breaks my heart. I want to make it better for him. I want him to know it is okay to be sad and grieve just like I am/have. But he is a man and he is "okay".

We have not talked to the Dr. yet. I called on Monday- he is in CA for a conference-- back in the office tomorrow. The nurse told me she would put my file on his desk and ask him to give me a call. I have my list of questions ready! Maybe his answers will give us some closure and guide us in the direction of our next step-- whatever that might be!

In other news... I am off tomorrow and so ready for a long weekend!!! We don't have plans this weekend and I love it!! I need to get my house in order for our house guests coming next Friday. I cant wait! We will also be getting a new addition to our family. No, not a baby. And really he isn't a new addition...just a new addition to our home in LA. Tupper-- mine and Gary's first baby.Our cat has been living with my parents since we moved to WA in November 2005. My parents are evicting him (just kidding!)... so he is making his first plane ride next week! We are praying he and Tanner get along. As long as we can convince Tanner that Tupper is not a squirrel- I think we will be good! Wish us luck!!!