This is going to be an emotional post-- so Mom-- if you are at work--stop reading.
A year has gone by. 1 year. I posted a message on my support message board a year ago about how upset I was that I was turning 30 and still not pregnant. Here we are. "Celebrating" a birthday this week... still not pregnant. I feel like it is hitting me hard.
I am starting to get angry with myself, because my anger about all of this and my negative feeling about all of this are becoming uncontrollable. Uncontrollable in a sense of-- I am overly emotional at every pregnancy story line on EVERY show I watch, I have a pissy attitude towards the "It's a Boy!" balloons attached to our new neighbors mailbox and I cant help but having a sinking feeling in my stomach and in my heart when I see newborn babies. I worry daily about having a break down when seeing my neighbor-- who successfully got pregnant the same month we did our IVF. S & J know that I am OVER the moon excited for them-- I am just terrified that at some point my emotions are not going to be able to handle it. I know S knows this and she has been very sensitive to me. It makes me sad though, I feel like I am not being the friend to her-- that I should be...that I want to be. Am I going to have to go through the rest of my life feeling like this?
I no longer know to deal with all this crap gracefully. I just don't know how to do it. I feel like everyday I am dealing with trying to come to terms with the idea that I may never have it (the opportunity to be a mom, "the moments" of a BFP, hearing my baby cry for the first time, that sense of unconditional love, etc). I have to sit back and watch everyone else earn it no problem, but Gary and I may never have it. It breaks my heart. Why not us?
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4 comments:
Oh my gosh, you're right! I could have written your post too. Sounds like we're in very similar situations - right down to the recent birthdays. It does make it harder, doesn't it? Knowing another year has gone by and you're that much farther from the way you thought things would work out. I'm keeping you and Gary in my prayers and if you ever want to chat, shoot me an email (dr.ecorbin@gmail.com) - I'd love to talk. Here's hoping that things work out for us both very very soon!
-Erin
I'm so sorry honey. big hugs to you. i have no words that will help but I just wanted to say something. You definately have the right to be feeling everything you're feeling.
Lots of hugs coming your way! Sorry
Hi sweetie. I know it's hard to be happy on this birthday but 31 is still very young and you have many years left to make your dream of a child come true. I feel deep in my heart that you will have those moments you long for. I'm sorry this hasn't been easy for you and Gary. You're continually in my thoughts. (((HUGS)))
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