This weekend marks my last "quiet" weekend of the fall (yes, fall just begun!!)! Next week the craziness of life and work kick in again and I start my busy travel season. I have quite a few trips planned between now and Thanksgiving-- racking up the frequent flier miles!!
The fall will be really busy for both Gary and myself-- which right now-- I consider to be a good thing. At this point-- I fear my emotions when the holiday's roll around. Holiday's including my 31st birthday in less than a month. Last year-- when I turned 30-- I was CERTAIN that by 31-- I would be pregnant. Well... pretty sure that is not the case. This really saddens me. The thought of going through another holiday season with motherhood not in sight really sucks.
I still don't really know how to deal with this disappointment. I still feel disappointed everyday. I am not crying about it as much anymore-- which is good-- but I still truly feel disappointed. Back in the spring-- I was looking ahead to things we have going on this fall and as we were planning-- I was envisioning myself as pregnant. Now these events are rolling around, and I am not- but my mind still has them planned like I should be. Does that even make sense? Example-- I have a surprise planned for Gary in November, and when I planned it-- I planned it specifically for November expecting that I would be pregnant and that it wouldn't be so hot out and that I could enjoy it too. LOL-- now I guess it doesn't really matter-- the heat is not an issue because I am not pregnant.
I don't know... I am on this crazy roller coaster and I am tired of the peaks and valleys.
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2 comments:
I am trying not to plan around the what ifs, but it is so hard not to. I have been saving money like crazy for treatment (we are OOP) and now can not plan anything else b/c what if I need it for treatment. Peaks and Valleys is a good way to label it. Sorry.
tagged!
and i know what you mean about the planning and expecting to be pregnant and then it doesn't really matter because you're not- ugh. i hate that. i try & go ahead with the plans & have fun anyways- but then i always remember why i planned it and..yeah. <3
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