My desire to be a mommy

I will preface this post by saying that it is Friday night-- I have had a glass (or 2 (: ) of wine and Gary is not home-- so my feelings are magnified...

I was just on My.space and I was looking at a picture that my my cousin had tagged of me holding her daughter.

I am gazing at her daughter-- this was taken late last summer/ early fall. I think at that point-- I had put so much hope in the "it will just happen" theory and I was really hopeful that by this baby's 1st birthday I would be far along in my own pregnancy. Now here we are-- not only did it "not just happen" but we used major medical intervention and it still didn't "happen."

I have been fairly passive in my last few posts about how strong my desire for a baby still is. Partly my way of coping and partly my way of trying to fake you all out in thinking that I am okay. I still hurt, Gary still hurts, we still hurt as a couple who together want to have our own baby.

I don't know how or when I will get past all of this. I try to keep occupied-- try to keep my mind busy so I don't focus on how the IVF didn't work--but when all is said and done-- I still so incredibly sad. All I want is that feeling-- that feeling of love, of need, of completeness (is that even a word?).

I know we still have your thoughts and prayers and I thank you everyday for them-- I would not make it through without!