Empty and Angry

This is going to be an emotional post-- so Mom-- if you are at work--stop reading.

A year has gone by. 1 year. I posted a message on my support message board a year ago about how upset I was that I was turning 30 and still not pregnant. Here we are. "Celebrating" a birthday this week... still not pregnant. I feel like it is hitting me hard.

I am starting to get angry with myself, because my anger about all of this and my negative feeling about all of this are becoming uncontrollable. Uncontrollable in a sense of-- I am overly emotional at every pregnancy story line on EVERY show I watch, I have a pissy attitude towards the "It's a Boy!" balloons attached to our new neighbors mailbox and I cant help but having a sinking feeling in my stomach and in my heart when I see newborn babies. I worry daily about having a break down when seeing my neighbor-- who successfully got pregnant the same month we did our IVF. S & J know that I am OVER the moon excited for them-- I am just terrified that at some point my emotions are not going to be able to handle it. I know S knows this and she has been very sensitive to me. It makes me sad though, I feel like I am not being the friend to her-- that I should be...that I want to be. Am I going to have to go through the rest of my life feeling like this?

I no longer know to deal with all this crap gracefully. I just don't know how to do it. I feel like everyday I am dealing with trying to come to terms with the idea that I may never have it (the opportunity to be a mom, "the moments" of a BFP, hearing my baby cry for the first time, that sense of unconditional love, etc). I have to sit back and watch everyone else earn it no problem, but Gary and I may never have it. It breaks my heart. Why not us?

Ahh...What a great weekend!

Gary and I just had a great weekend away! Saturday was the Khaki Ball for Gary's command. A Khaki Ball is more of a party than a ball and it is to celebrate the recent promotion of sailors from First Class Petty Officer to Chief Petty Officer. It is the biggest promotion one would have in their career and a very meaningful and important experience. Gary was promoted to Chief in 2006, but due to his submarine schedule, he didnt get to experience everything he should have. There is a month long "initiation" period, the actual pinning event, change of the uniform from "the blues" to "khaki" and then the ball. I am so happy we got to go to the ball this year. We had a good time and I had the chance to meet a lot of Gary's co-workers. We had a good time!

It is funny though... many of the couples we met this weekend have children. And of course, as you would imagine, their children come up in conversation. The conversation always leads to the question-- "Do you have kids?" Standard response from us... "No, not yet." (with a partial smile). More times than not-- the response we get is-- "Oh, wait... wait as long as you can...blah, blah, blah." I usually tune out after they said "Wait..." It just strikes me as funny- that we get that response so often. I causes me to reflect on my own interactions with people. Do I ever say things that in the eyes of someone else may bother them? Do I ever have ignorant responses to conversation? Unless the person is comfortable saying something, it is impossible to know, but just gives me a reason to pause before I speak.

All in all we had a great weekend! Today, I am off to New Orleans for a conference. Thankfully this is my last trip for a month. The next trip we take...to MEXICO!!! YAY!!

Bad Blogger

I know...I know...I have been a bad blogger. I really havent had much of an update to give and this week I am in CT for work and visiting family.

Anytime I come to CT my days seem to fly by. I have a 1- 1.5 hour commute into the office and usually my evenings are busy with visiting. This time has been no different.

Had a great weekend hanging out with my family! On Saturday, I got to make a trip to the CT shore. There is something about the CT shore that I just love! Maybe it is because I am no where near a beach in LA or b/c I just have this thing for water. It is extremely calming to me and anytime I am around it-- I am happy. The trip made for a few good pictures--

Me and my cousin Abby~being silly

Me and my Mom on the Mystic Drawbridge

Mmmm...Mystic Pizza

Me and my Aunt Lisa

Watch Hill

Tagged- Randomness

I was tagged by T-bird

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

Six Random Things about Me:
1. I used to be flexible enough to put both feet behind my head
2. I cant think about popsicle sticks/tongue depressors without breaking out in goose bumps
3. I usually talk to my mother at least once a day
4. I have a 6 inch scar on my leg from having a birthmark removed when I was 5
5. I never take my wedding rings off- unless I am working with raw chicken or in my flower beds
6. I just ate lunch but my stomach is growling already :(

Six people is too many to tag... so I tag anyone that reads this that has a blog! ;)

Let the fall craziness begin!

This weekend marks my last "quiet" weekend of the fall (yes, fall just begun!!)! Next week the craziness of life and work kick in again and I start my busy travel season. I have quite a few trips planned between now and Thanksgiving-- racking up the frequent flier miles!!

The fall will be really busy for both Gary and myself-- which right now-- I consider to be a good thing. At this point-- I fear my emotions when the holiday's roll around. Holiday's including my 31st birthday in less than a month. Last year-- when I turned 30-- I was CERTAIN that by 31-- I would be pregnant. Well... pretty sure that is not the case. This really saddens me. The thought of going through another holiday season with motherhood not in sight really sucks.

I still don't really know how to deal with this disappointment. I still feel disappointed everyday. I am not crying about it as much anymore-- which is good-- but I still truly feel disappointed. Back in the spring-- I was looking ahead to things we have going on this fall and as we were planning-- I was envisioning myself as pregnant. Now these events are rolling around, and I am not- but my mind still has them planned like I should be. Does that even make sense? Example-- I have a surprise planned for Gary in November, and when I planned it-- I planned it specifically for November expecting that I would be pregnant and that it wouldn't be so hot out and that I could enjoy it too. LOL-- now I guess it doesn't really matter-- the heat is not an issue because I am not pregnant.

I don't know... I am on this crazy roller coaster and I am tired of the peaks and valleys.

Not to get political...

BUT, can I say that it really bothers me that Sarah Palin (McCain's VP running mate) has a 17 year old daughter that is 5 months pregnant.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/09/01/palin.daughter/index.html

To refer to my older post-- Life's Not Fair!