Empty and Angry

This is going to be an emotional post-- so Mom-- if you are at work--stop reading.

A year has gone by. 1 year. I posted a message on my support message board a year ago about how upset I was that I was turning 30 and still not pregnant. Here we are. "Celebrating" a birthday this week... still not pregnant. I feel like it is hitting me hard.

I am starting to get angry with myself, because my anger about all of this and my negative feeling about all of this are becoming uncontrollable. Uncontrollable in a sense of-- I am overly emotional at every pregnancy story line on EVERY show I watch, I have a pissy attitude towards the "It's a Boy!" balloons attached to our new neighbors mailbox and I cant help but having a sinking feeling in my stomach and in my heart when I see newborn babies. I worry daily about having a break down when seeing my neighbor-- who successfully got pregnant the same month we did our IVF. S & J know that I am OVER the moon excited for them-- I am just terrified that at some point my emotions are not going to be able to handle it. I know S knows this and she has been very sensitive to me. It makes me sad though, I feel like I am not being the friend to her-- that I should be...that I want to be. Am I going to have to go through the rest of my life feeling like this?

I no longer know to deal with all this crap gracefully. I just don't know how to do it. I feel like everyday I am dealing with trying to come to terms with the idea that I may never have it (the opportunity to be a mom, "the moments" of a BFP, hearing my baby cry for the first time, that sense of unconditional love, etc). I have to sit back and watch everyone else earn it no problem, but Gary and I may never have it. It breaks my heart. Why not us?

Ahh...What a great weekend!

Gary and I just had a great weekend away! Saturday was the Khaki Ball for Gary's command. A Khaki Ball is more of a party than a ball and it is to celebrate the recent promotion of sailors from First Class Petty Officer to Chief Petty Officer. It is the biggest promotion one would have in their career and a very meaningful and important experience. Gary was promoted to Chief in 2006, but due to his submarine schedule, he didnt get to experience everything he should have. There is a month long "initiation" period, the actual pinning event, change of the uniform from "the blues" to "khaki" and then the ball. I am so happy we got to go to the ball this year. We had a good time and I had the chance to meet a lot of Gary's co-workers. We had a good time!

It is funny though... many of the couples we met this weekend have children. And of course, as you would imagine, their children come up in conversation. The conversation always leads to the question-- "Do you have kids?" Standard response from us... "No, not yet." (with a partial smile). More times than not-- the response we get is-- "Oh, wait... wait as long as you can...blah, blah, blah." I usually tune out after they said "Wait..." It just strikes me as funny- that we get that response so often. I causes me to reflect on my own interactions with people. Do I ever say things that in the eyes of someone else may bother them? Do I ever have ignorant responses to conversation? Unless the person is comfortable saying something, it is impossible to know, but just gives me a reason to pause before I speak.

All in all we had a great weekend! Today, I am off to New Orleans for a conference. Thankfully this is my last trip for a month. The next trip we take...to MEXICO!!! YAY!!

Bad Blogger

I know...I know...I have been a bad blogger. I really havent had much of an update to give and this week I am in CT for work and visiting family.

Anytime I come to CT my days seem to fly by. I have a 1- 1.5 hour commute into the office and usually my evenings are busy with visiting. This time has been no different.

Had a great weekend hanging out with my family! On Saturday, I got to make a trip to the CT shore. There is something about the CT shore that I just love! Maybe it is because I am no where near a beach in LA or b/c I just have this thing for water. It is extremely calming to me and anytime I am around it-- I am happy. The trip made for a few good pictures--

Me and my cousin Abby~being silly

Me and my Mom on the Mystic Drawbridge

Mmmm...Mystic Pizza

Me and my Aunt Lisa

Watch Hill

Tagged- Randomness

I was tagged by T-bird

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

Six Random Things about Me:
1. I used to be flexible enough to put both feet behind my head
2. I cant think about popsicle sticks/tongue depressors without breaking out in goose bumps
3. I usually talk to my mother at least once a day
4. I have a 6 inch scar on my leg from having a birthmark removed when I was 5
5. I never take my wedding rings off- unless I am working with raw chicken or in my flower beds
6. I just ate lunch but my stomach is growling already :(

Six people is too many to tag... so I tag anyone that reads this that has a blog! ;)

Let the fall craziness begin!

This weekend marks my last "quiet" weekend of the fall (yes, fall just begun!!)! Next week the craziness of life and work kick in again and I start my busy travel season. I have quite a few trips planned between now and Thanksgiving-- racking up the frequent flier miles!!

The fall will be really busy for both Gary and myself-- which right now-- I consider to be a good thing. At this point-- I fear my emotions when the holiday's roll around. Holiday's including my 31st birthday in less than a month. Last year-- when I turned 30-- I was CERTAIN that by 31-- I would be pregnant. Well... pretty sure that is not the case. This really saddens me. The thought of going through another holiday season with motherhood not in sight really sucks.

I still don't really know how to deal with this disappointment. I still feel disappointed everyday. I am not crying about it as much anymore-- which is good-- but I still truly feel disappointed. Back in the spring-- I was looking ahead to things we have going on this fall and as we were planning-- I was envisioning myself as pregnant. Now these events are rolling around, and I am not- but my mind still has them planned like I should be. Does that even make sense? Example-- I have a surprise planned for Gary in November, and when I planned it-- I planned it specifically for November expecting that I would be pregnant and that it wouldn't be so hot out and that I could enjoy it too. LOL-- now I guess it doesn't really matter-- the heat is not an issue because I am not pregnant.

I don't know... I am on this crazy roller coaster and I am tired of the peaks and valleys.

Not to get political...

BUT, can I say that it really bothers me that Sarah Palin (McCain's VP running mate) has a 17 year old daughter that is 5 months pregnant.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/09/01/palin.daughter/index.html

To refer to my older post-- Life's Not Fair!

Long weekends are for yard work...

Well... at least one day should be spent doing yard work. Thankfully for me...that day was yesterday!

We spent Saturday riping bushes up in front of the house. The house was landscaped when we bought it but over the past year-- the bushes have just started to look unkept-- no matter how much we prune and groom. So we decided that a weekend project would be to rip out the bushes and replace with a cleaner landscape.

When we bought the house- here is what the landscaping looked like:

You can see--there were LOTS of bushes-- small boxwood bushes. Which by themselves are not bad-- but when you literally have 30 of them. Blech! I was tired of them.

Last fall-- we pulled up all the bushes on the left side of the walkway. We replaced those with new mulch and some low elephant grass. Yesterday- we pulled up the boxwoods and other bushes on the right of the walkway against the garage.

Here is how it looks today:

Now that I post these picture-- I realize we have more work to do! Guess it will be off to Lowe's later!! Fun times being a homeowner!!

My thoughts exactly...

I hate to be a downer... and I hope you all have your tissues ready. This song...sums up all my feelings. I apologize now for only being able to post a link-- I haven't yet figured out how to post a video (anyone want to tell me how??? :) ) Mom...don't be mad... it might be a tear jerker. Below are the words to the song-- could Kelly Coffey have nailed it on the head any better?

I Would Die For That

"I Would Die For That"

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

Operation "Surprise Parents"- Complete!

In just 1 week my parents will celebrate their 35th wedding anniversary! Not only is this accomplishment a remarkable one, but it is also some what of an inspiration. I truly feel that my parents have "the marriage" that everyone wants. They are lovey, they tiff, they tease, they are a unit, they are independent, they are an example! They are not perfect-- but who is? Whose relationship is? No ones... but in terms of a perfect example of how to survive year after year with another-- they do a great job!

Anyway... so in 1 week they will celebrate 35 years together. I wanted to mark this occasion! Gary and I decided that we would fly to CT and surprise them! I also wanted to have a BBQ to celebrate. My sister and I recruited the help of my whole family (6 aunts, 7 uncles and a bunch of cousins) to help execute this "surprise." Well... it was a success!! Gary and I flew up to CT on Thursday and our plan was for my sister to lure them to a restaurant where we would surprise them. Well...my mom... wasn't playing along. She insisted that she didn't want to go out to dinner. Boo... there goes that idea. So then my sister thought it would be good just to show up at their house. Okay...that could work. We got there-- my dad wasn't home yet--boo #2. So we shocked my mom. Hehehe... she had no idea! The look on her face-- priceless. She was shocked! Then my dad came home-- he was shocked too! So much so-- that my sister said she was worried--he turned really pale. Poor guy--we werent looking to give him a heart attack!!

We had the big BBQ for them on Saturday- we had a great time!! The weather was perfect and it was so nice to spend a day with my family and just relax. Well...I say relax...I wasn't really relaxed-- feeding and organizing a party for 40 is no easy feat! I had lots of help though!!

Here are some pictures from the day...

The Family

The "girls"--my sister and 4 cousins

Party in full swing

Nothing like a little competative bean bag toss

Cheers!

Yay!! Party success!!

Ugh...Life's not fair

I hate that statement- "Life's Not Fair" but seriously-- it's not. Two things today have struck me as really being "not fair".

As I have said before- I belong to a message board that specifically focuses on Trouble Trying to Conceive. This week has seemed to be really really bad. A lot of women testing negative and it is heartbreaking. I have somewhat distanced myself from reading the board for a couple of reasons. The posts about positives-- while exciting-- were making me sadder and sadder for me and Gary. The posts about negatives-- constant reminders of that raw emotion I felt after the failed IVF. It sucks! While I am excited and overjoyed for those that have "graduated" to the Success after Infertility board---I almost feel left behind. I long for my graduation and all emotions that come with that!

Just the simple point that some of us who want to be mommies so badly have to wait years for those moments-- not fair! The idea that we have to experience bad, sad, angry and bitter feelings about anything to do with getting pregnant (an occasion that should only be happy and exciting)--not fair!

My other "not fair" moment- I went to the vet today to pick up Tanner's heart worm medicine. As I am in the waiting room-- a dad comes in with his 2 kids who had clearly been crying. I thought maybe their pet was in the hospital and passed away. Then I noticed that the dad was carrying the pet. I think it was a puppy- i heard him say "7 weeks old". The kids were sobbing. Heartbroken. I literally teared up. Family pets dying--not fair!

Some days just seem so negative. Hard to find a ton of things to be happy and excited about. I know eventually it will change...but some days the "not fair's" just seem to be so in your face!