Comments, Comments, Comments

I Love Them!!

I am participating in NaComLeaMo and I have received so many comments!! It is nice to receive comments from people who can relate! Of course... I am not comment bias-- I love comments from those that cant relate too!!! :)

I took this picture of Tanner yesterday... thought I would share! This face makes me smile a million times a day--everyday!!

Happy Hump Day!!!

I don't have much to write about today, but figured since I hadn't written since the weekend-- I better write!

Thankfully my week is almost over! Thanks to the holiday on Monday and my wonderful "summer" Friday's-- this was a whopping big 3 day week for me! This weekend Gary and I are heading to Dallas to watch 2 baseball games! I am really looking forward to the weekend away and I am praying mother nature gives us a little heat and humidity relief-- so we can actually enjoy being at the games!

On our way out to Dallas on Friday we will stop in Shreveport at the clinic. I will have some bloowork done and my "mock" transfer. With the mock transfer-- they are going to go in and take a look at my lining and ovaries-- make sure there are not polyps/cyst. I don't think I have ever had either-- so we should be good to go. They will also measure my uterus-- this helps them prepare so that the day of the actual egg transfer they know exactly what they are working with!

Next week really starts the process for us-- next Wednesday--I go in for more blood work (I think they may suck me dry!) and for our "injection" class! YIKES!! Gary will essentially learn how to stab me with those needles that I glare at each time I walk by the dining room table. I think they are haunting me!!

I have read about some side effects of the drugs I will be taking next week-- mainly headaches and bloat. I pray that I don't have that reaction b/c honestly I hate headaches! I don't really know anyone that likes them... but I really hate them. We'll see...I guess if that is the worst part of all this... I can manage!

In case I don't write again until after the weekend... have a great one!

Not 1, but 2 Baby Bellies

So I am back from my week long trip to NJ. Meetings were long and somewhat exhausting but what can be expected??

I read alot of other women's blogs and a lot of message boards. One trend that I often see among others who are having trouble trying to conceive is this uncontrollable emotion around the news of "others" getting pregnant or the sight of pregnant bellies. I will fully admit-- I have questioned myself a time or two on how it makes me feel to find out someone is pregnant or question myself on the decision to have dinner with a very pregnant friend. I sadly almost think I was forcing myself to question b/c it seemed that that was what I was supposed to do. I have been trying for so long so it "should" upset me that I have had 12 friends/ family members in the 4 years I have been trying get pregnant--get pregnant (some twice). It "should" upset me that I have friends who planned out "when" they were going to get pregnant- AND it worked! It "should" upset me that people who don't know about our struggles say ignorant things-- without knowing. Now I don't think I would be human if I didn't feel a little sting when these situations happen, but I do think I have been forcing myself to feel stabbed by these situations. Based on where we stand with our journey and my faith--that has changed!

With my trip to NJ came the knowledge that I would be with a pregnant co-worker for 3 days. On my plane ride up I was thinking about how it would make me feel to look at her pregnant belly for the next couple days. Was it going to upset me? Was I going to want to break into tears at the sight of how cute she looked? Was I going to avoid looking? I decided NO to all of those! I am beyond thrilled for her-- and why shouldn't I be? Why should our troubles to conceive interrupt my excitement and happiness for others? What kind of person would that make me? It would make me a person I don't want to be-- so I will fight it!

Well, unexpectedly-- there was not just 1 baby belly, but there were 2! Wasn't really prepared for that...but I think that my revalation on my plane ride set me up good! The second baby belly was of another co-worker who I had last seen in November. Back then it was my first time meeting her. I remember she and I having a conversation about her 3 year old daughter and how she said that they would probably start trying for their 2nd soon. Well- I learned this trip that that was her way of saying she was 9 weeks along but not telling anyone! ha!

I looked at both of these co-workers over the past week with awe. I am SO excited! The thought of soon having a belly where you know there is a life growing inside-- i cant explain it. I cant explain how it will make me feel to know that all this time of waiting is finally over and in a few months we will welcome our own baby into the world. Some may think I am jumping the gun since I am not even pregnant yet-- but I have to be positive...I have to know this will work.

The "coined" 18 years start today...

Day 1! Yay!! I am really feeling like today is Day 1 of our next 18 years!! Today marks the day that all the "statistics" talk about. How much it costs to raise a child for 18 years...blah, blah, blah. Funny our 18 year costs starts prior to our baby being conceived (do they have a statistic for that??), but ultimately every penny will be worth it! No doubt!!!

We start our protocol today. I happily handed Gary his little blue Doxycycline pill this morning. I took mine as well. I will start my birth control tonight. I haven't taken birth control in sometime, so I figure making part of my evening routine will be best.

I head out to NJ tomorrow for a couple days of work meetings...so I probably wont do any posting until later in the week or over the weekend! Memorial Day this weekend-- how quickly it came up. I wouldn't be lying if I said that even though it is only Monday...I am really really looking forward to a long weekend!

Now I am scared

The meds came. Considering how much we paid-- I would have expected the box to be much larger! Everything was neatly and strategically placed in side.

So...here it is:

And...it's contents:

YIKES-- the syringes (there are a lot of them :( ):

Just to give you an idea

So I ordered my meds yesterday! YIKES! The lady on the phone literally rattled down a list of meds for like 5 minutes and then says-- "Does that sound about right?" Umm...I guess. Since I cant pronounce half of what you just said-- sure that sounds great!! Words that I did grab in her ramblings-- syringes--YIKES and Valium--YAY! Ha!

So they should all be here today.

I start my birth control (bcp) on Monday. I haven't been on birth control in years- I hope I can remember to take the little pill everyday. I will be on bcp for about 3 weeks. Along with the bcp I have to take my prenatal, additional folic acid, baby aspirin and Gary and I will both need to take a round of antibiotics. My IVF cocktail as Gary calls it! Maybe if I put them in a martini glass that will make it better... not so sure!
Around June 4th I will start my injections. This is where I start to get nervous!! I need to be injected daily for the next 20 days or so. Scary!!! I will have Gary do the injections for me (yes-- he is very excited about this!), but i will have a few days in which I will need to do them myself b/c Gary will be away. I hope I can handle this part!
Within all these injections I have a number of monitoring appointments. The Dr. will keep a close watch on my levels to be sure we are not over stimulating my ovaries and that we are aiding the uterus to make a perfect lining for implantation. We want that embryo to snuggle in nice for 9 months!!
Hopefully if I respond just the way I should-- we have our egg retrieval scheduled for June 25th!

And guilt for my bitchy attitude sets in

So i finally heard from the nurse. She had a severe allergic reaction to some medication she was taking-- it nearly landed her in the hospital and she is out on medical leave until Monday. So of course I feel bad. I feel bad that I swore her up and down all day yesterday. In my defense-- she never told me that if I don't hear back from her from a voicemail the same day or the next morning that I should call the regular nurse line. How would I know that? So anyway...I forgive her for not getting back to me...and still feel guilty about being so pissed off yesterday!

YAY! I start my birth control pills on Monday! Very exciting! I have the whole plan mapped out...appointment by appointment by appointment. My social calendar is going to be very busy soon! Ha! How on earth will I keep up??

I should be receiving all my meds in the mail sometime this week-- I think there is going to be alot. Kind of scary. Kind of exciting. I will take a picture when they arrive--so you all can share in the excitement! :)

Time to focus on work again...

Not trying to string you along...

I don't want you to think I have this amazing ability to increase the level of suspense and anticipation surrounding this. Fact of the matter is... I don't have any news. I haven't talked to the IVF coordinator-- despite multiple voice mails-- I am starting to take it personally!

Gary is heading down there today for some blood work and tests-- I am going to go for the ride. I know...I know...wasn't it just me that was complaining about the ride to Shreveport?? Yes, but--Gary has been really busy with work and extra circulars (aka--coaching and playing baseball) so I am going to take advantage of getting to spend a few quiet hours with him today! "Nurse Cindy" is the one who is supposed to do his blood draw...so if I don't hear from her this morning... I will corner her when we get there. She should know there is no escaping us!! :) (I sound so threatening don't I???)

I promise-- as soon as I know something...I will update!

Happy Mother's Day

Just wanted to wish my family and friends a Happy Mother's Day! For a few of you...this is your first!! Enjoy the day with your babies! For my mom... it's your 30th!! :) Wish I could be with you to celebrate.

Hopefully at this time next year...I will be celebrating my first! I am pretty sure I said that last year at this time... and the year before, but I am much more confident that it could be a reality this time!!

And...still...waiting...

Not sure what is going on...but pretty sure the clinic is trying to kill me via anticipation.

Still no word... :( Maybe Monday...

Just waiting...and waiting...and waiting....

Everyday that goes by... is complete torture! Right now I am waiting for the IVF Nurse Coordinator to call me and give me my "plan."
I was impatient last week and called pretending I was calling for a follow-up on my blood work. (sneaky...i know) She called me back and told me my blood work looked fine (phew...I was worried!) and told me she would call this week with my IVF plan. So I know today is only Tuesday... the 2nd day of the week...but I couldn't wait any longer... I had to call again.
So I left a message and she just called me back. This time...I pretended the reason for my call was that I need to schedule some meetings for work and really needed to know my approximate schedule before I could do that. (not 100% untrue, but I certainly could have waited a few more days!) Anyway... we chatted a bit and she gave me the 2 possible weeks that the magic could happen. AND she said that she would be calling either tomorrow, Thursday or Friday (way to narrow it down Nurse Cindy!)to go over the actual and complete plan.
I am sure they realize...but I don't think they REALLY realize how long each day seems when you are waiting to hear about when you will have the opportunity to create a baby.

Slow but steady wins the race...right???

Thinking Transformation...

I have realized that I have done a lot of growing in the past 6 months or so. In the past 6 months- I have started reading other peoples blogs- almost on a daily basis. The types of blogs I read vary-- some are just basic blogs of friends, some are cooking blogs, many are infertility blogs, some are life after infertility blogs and some are more morbid- about death of babies or spouses.

I have learned from each one. I continually learn how funny some of my friends (or friends husbands) are. I learn how to make the perfect banana bread. I learned that I will have a table full of drugs to inject into my body here in a few weeks. I have learned about the challenges of having triplets. I have learned about heartache from losing babies after having them become part of your family. And I have learned strength from a now single dad who tragically lost his wife 27 hours after his baby was born.

I had a some what deep conversation (over instant messenger) yesterday with a friend/co-worker and we were discussing how your thinking changes. By reading about what other people are going through- by witnessing their very open and raw emotion-- it changes your own thinking. It forces you to reflect on your own life and think about how you deal with the "challenges and struggles" that you have and sets a new level of appreciation for what you have.

While I do think that I lived in denial for years about how difficult it would be for Gary and I to get pregnant, I think that realization of my denial (mom- you were there...think back to our Dallas trip) has made me a stronger, less naive person. I am beyond thankful that we have the opportunity to try IVF to conceive. I will not be naive and say that I am 100% positive it will work-- because I am not. But just having this awesome opportunity will be a learning experience and I pray each night that it ends positively (maybe 2 times over ;) ).
I also received a "forward" this week from my dear neighbor about thinking positively. Now generally I don't really read forwards, but the subject line got me...so I read it. Made me think and some what prompted me to write this morning:

When your hut's on fire
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, "God! How could you do this to me?" Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.

The Moral of This Story: It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.